When we believe that we are responsible for their reality, and we are not able to make them happy, healthy, successful or satisfied, we feel failure, self-rejection, shame, and guilt. We might even feel anger toward them when they do not cooperate with us to create the reality we believe they must have in order to feel that we are successful and thus worthy as parents, teachers, saviors, healers, etc.

Both beliefs create codependence, resulting in conflicts in our relationships, while simultaneously preventing both parties from maturing emotionally.

Below you will find a list of beliefs that create such situations. We use the phraseology "holding the keys" to the others’ happiness, etc., as well as, "giving them the keys" to our self-worth, etc., in order to create a more visual and concrete way of working with this problem. Later we will refer to the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS or THE PUTTING ORDER TO THE KEYS. This means that we return the keys of responsibility that belong to the others, and take back the keys to our responsibilities.

BELIEFS THAT CAUSE CODEPENDENCY

1. I am responsible for the others’ reality; for their safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc. This leads us to believe we are holding the keys to the others’ safety, happiness, health, success, and satisfaction. We then believe we are failures if the others are not well. We also become angry with them when they do not cooperate in creating their own well-being, which we need in order to feel worthy.

2. Others are incapable, unable, and lacking inner guidance or the capacity for managing their lives properly. They need me. We then believe we hold the keys to their safety, happiness, satisfaction, success, etc. We believe they cannot be okay or proceed in life without our guidance and effort. We undermine their self-confidence and self-worth, and wear ourselves down doing for others much of what they can do for themselves. We obstruct their growth and strength.

3. If the others are not well, happy, successful, satisfied, etc., then I am a failure. I am holding the keys to their happiness, success, etc. They, in turn, hold the keys to my self-worth. In such cases, we get trapped in a vicious circle with the others, seeking to pressure them to live their lives in a way that we believe will make them happy and well. We do this, however, not only out of love, but also out of our need to affirm our self-worth.

4. If the others are not well or satisfied, etc., I am not worthy. I give the keys to my self-worth to the others because I am "responsible for" (holding the keys to) their well-being or satisfaction. I feel worthy only when they are well or satisfied.

5. If the other is not well or happy, I do not have the right to be well or happy. I give the keys to my happiness and well-being to the other. I feel I have the right to be happy or well only if he or she is. This does not help the other, but instead adds to the negativity in the environment. I remember a man once who expressed the need to be not well and to express it without his wife going to pieces.

6. If I love someone who is suffering, unhappy or not well, I should not be able to be happy or well. We give him or her the keys to our happiness and well-being. We can help others much more effectively by being positive rather than negative when they are not well.

7. My self-worth depends on what others think of me and on how satisfied they are with me. We give others the keys to our self-worth. We then lose our sense of who we are, what we believe and what we want to do with our lives. We waste our lives seeking to be who we believe others want us to be. In the end, we lose our happiness and are usually bitter that after all that self-suppression, we are still not getting from others the love and respect we desire.

8. My self worth is dependent on how successful my efforts are toward health, happiness, material comfort, social acceptance, professional success, etc. We give the keys to our self-worth to people, possessions and situations around us. This describes our state as a society in which each has lost the keys to his or her own happiness and is seeking to find it in "success". Happiness and success are often (not always) on the other side of the seesaw.

9. I cannot ______without the others:

A. I cannot feel safe without the other(s). We give the keys to our feelings of security.

B. I cannot feel socially accepted without the other(s). We give the keys to our self-worth.

C. I cannot succeed without the other(s). We give the keys to our sense of power and ability.

D. I cannot enjoy myself without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.

E. I cannot be sure what to do without the other(s). We give the keys to our inner guidance and wisdom.

F. I cannot be happy without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.

10. Others are responsible for my:

A. Happiness. We give the keys to our happiness.

B. Safety. We give the keys to our feelings of security.

C. Satisfaction. We give the keys to our feelings of satisfaction.

D. Success. We give the keys to our ability and intelligence.

E. Health. We give the keys to our physical being.

__________________________________

Having understood the above, the next step is to determine where exactly we are expecting others to create our happiness, success, and satisfaction, or where we are dependent on others for our feelings of self-worth. In other words, we need to recognize which of our keys we have given to whom.

Then we need to discover for which people we feel responsible, and thus are holding onto the keys to their happiness, success, safety or satisfaction.

This we want to do in order to return the keys that do not belong to us and take back the keys that do.

Completing the next exercise will help us prepare for putting order to our keys of responsibility.

LOOKING AT OUR KEYS

a. I feel responsible for the following in relationship to the following persons:

Name of person Health Safety Success Happiness Satisfaction Self-worth Other

Perhaps it would be useful here to give some examples of possible answers:

a. I feel responsible for my children’s health, safety and success in life.

b. I also feel responsible for their happiness and satisfaction.

c. I also feel responsible for their behavior toward others.

d. I feel responsible for my spouse’s happiness and satisfaction.

e. I feel responsible for my parents’ health, happiness and satisfaction.

f. I feel responsible for my boss’s satisfaction with my work.

g. I feel responsible for my friends’ satisfaction with my friendship.

h. I feel responsible for my siblings’ being satisfied with me, and also for their health, happiness and security.

Programmed in this way with the above feelings of responsibility, I cannot feel happy or worthy unless:

a. My children are healthy, safe, successful, happy, satisfied, and are behaving properly toward others.

b. My spouse is happy and satisfied (especially satisfied with me as a spouse).

c. My parents are healthy, happy and satisfied (especially with me as their child).

d. My boss and friends are satisfied with me.

e. My siblings are satisfied with me, and are safe and happy.

2 I expect help from the following persons in fulfilling the following needs.

Name of person Health Safety Success Happiness

Some possible answers might be:

a. I expect help from my children to fulfill my needs for order and cleanliness - satisfaction.

b. I expect help from my spouse for my safety, happiness, success and satisfaction.

c. I expect help from my parents for safety, happiness, success and satisfaction.

d. I expect help from my friends for my happiness, and occasionally for my satisfaction.

e. I expect help from my siblings for my happiness, and occasionally for my safety.

3. I can see that I am dependent on, or am affected by, the following persons to some degree concerning the following feelings:

Name of person Health Safety Success Happiness Satisfaction Self-worth Other

Some possible answer might be:

a. I am dependent on or am affected by my children concerning my self-worth as a parent and person.

b. I am dependent on or am affected by my spouse concerning my self-worth as a spouse and person, and also for my feelings of safety.

c. I am dependent on or am affected by my parents concerning my self-worth as a child and person, and also for my feelings of safety, success and happiness.

d. I am dependent on or am affected by my friends concerning my self-worth as a friend and person.

e. I am dependent on or am affected by my siblings concerning my self-worth as a sibling and as a person, and sometimes for my feelings of safety.

Now take time to answer the above 3 questions for yourself without being limited by the sample answers above.

As we can see, in such a situation, peace and happiness will be almost nonexistent, as there are just too many factors that must be "okay" in order for us to be happy. We are in a state of total codependency and cannot create happiness unless all people around us are exactly as we need them to be. All of us are intertwined in a mesh of confusion that obstructs our happiness.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EFFORT AND RESULT

We need to make an important distinction here between making an effort to help someone, or accepting their effort to help us, and accepting responsibility for each other’s reality. We all obviously are together to help and support each other on all levels. This is what relationships are all about, but we cannot create another’s health, happiness, success or satisfaction. Only they can create or allow for their well-being, and only we can create or allow for ours. Thus, in returning to others the keys to their own responsibilities, we do not cease helping them, but instead serve them in a much greater way by allowing them to discover the power and wisdom within themselves. This step, of course, will need to be made with discrimination. If someone is very ill or incapable, we obviously cannot leave him or her helpless. We will serve them in every possible way, doing for them whatever they cannot do for themselves, but we will not be responsible for the result. Neither will we be responsible for their satisfaction. We will offer whatever our discrimination guides us to offer, but will not be evaluating our self-worth in relationship to their satisfaction.

Also, our self-worth cannot be increased or decreased by others’ behavior. We are who we are independently of how others behave or what they think.

We have the inner power and wisdom to create exactly the reality we need in order to proceed in our spiritual development. If that means we occasionally will not have support from others, then it is not by chance. It is an opportunity for even greater growth.

PREPARATION FOR PUTTING THE KEYS IN ORDER

The next step in this process is to decide which of the above mentioned keys we want to return or retrieve. This is important because this confusion concerning who is responsible for what creates negative feelings for us and the others involved. We may discover that, although we love someone very much and want very much for him or her to be happy and well, our feelings of responsibility for his or her well-being causes us to feel anger toward him or her for not trying. Also, it makes us feel that we are being done injustice to. We might also realize that because we have based our feelings of self-worth on someone else’s behavior or their opinion of us, we are frequently hurt and angry with them for not giving us the affirmation we need from them.

This also works as a mirroring process. When we need repeated affirmation from a specific person, life often prevents that affirmation from coming so we can learn to base our self-worth our own being, and not on the others’ programmings. We might find that we can love this person much more purely and steadily if we free ourselves from needing his or her affirmation by taking back the "key to our self worth".

Most of us find we need to take the keys to our self-worth back from our parents, and often also from our spouses and children. Once we are able to do so, we are able to love and serve those persons much more purely because we are not doing so because we need their approval in order to feel our self-worth, but because we simply love them.

Cases of "emotional blackmail" are based on the fact that the one who is being blackmailed into doing things he does not want to do feels guilty and responsible for the other’s reality.

In addition, our ability to forgive others, or to get on with our lives and manifest our innate abilities, is obstructed by the belief that others are responsible for our reality or that we cannot proceed without them. In such cases, we will want to take back the keys to our happiness and success, forgive these persons and get on with our lives.

The next step is to decide from whom we want to take back our keys and to whom we want to return keys that belong to them. The following questions will help us analyze why we want to put order to the keys. The same analysis can be done for our attachment or dependency on possessions, positions, situations and even to society as a whole.

QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE KEYS THAT NEED TO BE RETURNED

1. When was the first time you took the key (responsibility for the other) you want to now return?

2. When was the first time you became conscious that you had taken this key (responsibility)?

3. What prevented you from returning this key from that time until now?

4. What did you "gain" by maintaining this situation until now?

5. What would you have to have had to do if you had returned this key earlier? How would your life been changed?

6. Why do you want to return it now? (To transfer the other’s responsibilities to him or herself.)

7. What negative effects does your keeping this key have on your life and your relationship with this person?

8. What negative effects does your keeping this key have on the other’s life and his / her relationship with you?

9. Now, one more time, very clearly, why will it be better for both of you if the keys are returned to their proper owners?

10. Is there a part of yourself that is resisting this move because it has one or more of the following fears? Perhaps it feels or fears:

a. That it would be misinterpreted as indifference or lack of love?

b. That the others would feel hurt?

c. That they would criticize you for not caring or not loving?

d. That the other would not be able to manage without you?

e. That the others will be angry?

f. That you would not know what to do if you were not occupied with this problem?

g. Other? ____________________________

11. What do you want to do about these or any other obstacles toward putting your keys in order? How and when are you going to do it?

12. What are you going to do tomorrow if the other behaves in the way established by the old order of the keys? How will you handle the feelings that might surface?

13. What will you tell yourself?

14. What will you tell the other about what you are trying to do and why you believe it is right and best for all of you that this change take place?

15. What help would you like to request from the other in this effort?

QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE KEYS THAT NEED TO BE RETRIEVED

1. When was the first time you gave the key (to your self-worth, security, success, etc.) you want now to take back?

2. When was the first time you became conscious that you had given away this key?

3. What prevented you from taking back this key from that time until now?

4. What did you "gain" by maintaining this situation until now?

5. What would you have to had to do if you had taken this key back earlier?

6. Why do you want to retrieve it now?

7. What negative effects does your not taking back this key have on your life and your relationship with this person?

8. What negative effects does your not taking back this key have on the other’s life and his / her relationship with you?

9. Now, one more time, very clearly, why will it be better for both of you if the keys are returned to their proper owners?

10. Is there a part of you that is resisting this move because it has one or more of the following fears? Perhaps it feels or fears:

a. That it would be misinterpreted as indifference or lack of love?

b. That the others would feel hurt?

c. That they would criticize you for not caring or not loving?

d. That the others will be angry?

e. That you would not know what to do if you were not occupied with this problem?

f. That you could not live without the other’s support in this matter?

g. Other? ____________________________

11. What do you want to do about these or any other obstacles toward putting your keys in order? How and when are you going to do it?

12. What are you going to do tomorrow if the other behaves in the way established by the old order of the keys? How will you handle the feelings that might surface?

13. What will you tell yourself?

14. What will you tell the other about what you are trying to do and why you believe it is right and best for all of you that this change take place?

15. What help would you like to request from the other in this effort?

After completing these questionnaires, we are now ready to fill out the following forms that will help us express what we want to say. Based on these forms, we will then want to write our I-messages more freely as we prepare for the psychodrama, and eventually actually speaking with that person.

Such messages can also be written to possessions, to society as a whole or to anything to whom, or on which, we are dependent for our feelings of self-worth or security.

These forms are to guide and help us, not to limit us, so feel free to change the wording.

COMMUNICATING ABOUT RETURNING KEYS

My dearest ____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important that affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling responsible for your (happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction, etc.) _________________

I now realize that my feeling responsible for your _____and_____and____and ____ has the following negative results for me: ______________________

I also believe that it has the following negative results for you and our relationship:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I thus believe that, for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to give you back the key(s) to the responsibility for your _______ and _______ and __________.

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything other than what I am saying.

Also, I need to tell you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

For this reason, I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make.

COMMUNICATING ABOUT TAKING KEYS BACK

My dearest _____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important that affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling dependent on you for my feelings of ______ (self-worth, happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction) _________________

I now realize that my being dependent on you for my ___and_____and______ has the following negative results for me:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I also believe that it has the following negative results for you and our relationship:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I thus believe that for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to take back from you the keys to the responsibility for my ______________ and ___________ and _______.

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything other than what I am saying. Also, I would like to share with you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

For this reason, I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways:

___________________________________________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make.

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Having analyzed this information clearly and having made our decisions, we are now ready to express these thoughts in the psychodrama we call the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS, which is described below.

THE PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS:

RETURNING THE KEYS TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS.

1. This exercise ordinarily requires a group of at least five persons who can play the various roles of the persons we want to exchange keys with. If this is not possible, one person can play all the roles. (Select a person with whom you have a close trust relationship or perhaps a psychologist) If this too is not possible, we can place a chair across from us and imagine that the person(s) we want to express all this to is sitting in that chair.

2. Take one of the sheets we have filled out for returning or taking back keys. Then choose one of the members of the group or a friend (or the chair) and address this person (who we have in our mind), explaining why we want to return this key to him or her or take it back. We express as many of the details as we can concerning:

a. What negative consequences we have observed resulting from this misplacement of the keys for ourselves, the other and our relationship.

b. Why we believe this will be best for the both of us.

3. For the purpose of the symbolic drama, if we are taking a key back, we first give it (a sheet of paper or an actual key) to the other and then ask to have it returned. This paper, that symbolizes we are now responsible for this part of our lives and reality can then be placed somewhere we can see it frequently so we can remember that we - - and only we - - are responsible.

4. If we are returning a key, and we are actually going to give it to the person concerned, or want to use it in order to write a more detailed communication, we can take it with us. If we do not feel ready to actually give this paper to the person concerned, or if this person is not in his physical body, it would be best to burn the paper, symbolizing our relinquishing of that key.

5. The next step is to communicate directly with the persons with whom we want to put order to who is responsible for what. Now, because we have all become very dependent on these little games and roles, the others may misinterpret this change as an indication of indifference or a lack of love. Here you will need to do an extra amount of communicating, utilizing I-messages and active listening, to put them at ease.

Be steady with love in your decisions and all will become accustomed to and probably prefer this co-commitment as opposed to it.

SUPPLEMENTARY TECHNIQUES

1. Affirmations written, verbal or mentally repeated in deep relaxation can help us in transforming these false beliefs. Some affirmations that might be useful:

a. Each of us is totally responsible for our own reality, for our own safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc.

b. Each of us is capable, and has all the inner guidance required to manage our lives properly.

c. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling responsible for them.

d. My self-worth is independent of the reality others create for themselves.

e. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling that I cannot be happy if they are not.

f. I do not help others by being unhappy or by limiting my happiness when they are not well.

g. I am divine creation and my self-worth is totally independent of whether others are satisfied with me or not.

h. My self-worth is independent of the results of my efforts.

i. I am totally capable of creating my own security, success, health, enjoyment, social acceptance, professional success, and spiritual evolution.

2. We can communicate with others and express our real feelings and needs in such situations. We would benefit from learning to make I-messages, which express what we need, feel and believe without blaming the others or making them defensive.

3. We can study the various spiritual truths that liberate us from these false thought-forms and help us develop love with discrimination. We can develop love for the soul, seeing the personality as the soul’s vehicle. Thus, we are interested in facilitating the soul’s growth rather than the personality’s comfort.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE:

Because these false concepts of responsibility are very deeply ingrained in our social subconscious, some may at first misunderstand our intentions and feelings. We have so identified love with attachment and dependency that it is often difficult at first for some of us to see love in independence. Thus, it is especially important for you to frequently reiterate that you love and care for this person and also to show this with your actions.

You will also need to be patient with possible negative reactions. Do not lose your peace and love in the face of possible reactions. Be patient and explain over and over again in a calm voice, without giving in and retreating into the past programmings and behaviors. Be clear and calm about this gradual process which is much like a painful surgical operation for both of you in which deep false beliefs are being removed.

Also we want to avoid using these concepts as an excuse to ignore actual responsibilities that we may have in our family or professional life.