The ultimate question in all of any psychological search is "what is my lesson here?" "What do I need to learn from this situation which is limiting my happiness or my effective functioning?"

Throughout the book, we have presented you with various situations, which we have observed throughout the years, which cause pain and suffering for us and those we connect to. In this chapter we will learn a method for discovering what our lessons are in those situations.

The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that everything that happens to us is a result of processes called mirroring, sympathetic attunement, resonance or projection. This means that whatever we are experiencing from the outside world, and especially through the behavior of those close to us, is a mirroring, a reflection, a sympathetic resonance with, or a projection of, some aspect of our being. Our beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears and behaviors are mirroring, reflecting, projecting or resonating in our external world creating the behaviors and events which we experience.

Those events, behaviors or situations which cause us to feel unpleasant feelings are specifically mirroring parts of ourselves which are ripe and ready to be transformed.

This is a very powerful tool for self-discovery because it gives us a very clear understanding of what we need to change while simultaneously freeing us from negative feelings towards the others. We realize that we ourselves attract the behaviors and events that create our reality. It is through exactly those stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths of our real spiritual nature.

Some readers might not be able to accept these basic tenants. This life-philosophy is based on the following basic tenants

BASIC BELIEFS OF THE

PHILOSOPHY OF THE LESSON OF LIFE

1. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.

2. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of evolution.

3. This evolution and our emotional and spiritual maturation occur through a learning process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by life's events and circumstances, and to a great degree, others’ behaviors.

4. The unpleasant events, circumstances and behaviors reflect parts of us that need transformation. They are exactly what we need to trigger our growth. This is often, but not always, painful and confusing. It is also sometimes pleasant.

5. There are three variations of the force within us, which attracts these life stimuli:

a. Our past actions and behaviors.

b. Our present psychosynthesis: beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors, fears, attachments, internal conflicts, roles which we play etc.

c. The specific lessons we have come to learn as souls in evolution.

6. There are four areas of our lives in which we receive most of these lessons:

a. Our close relationships (parents, spouse, children, siblings).

b. Our health and physical appearance.

c. Our work environment.

d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce, loss, gain, war, natural disasters and changes in general.

7. Most often our lessons are to be found in those aspects of the above-mentioned areas which bother us, which are not to our satisfaction, or are painful to us.

8. The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and multiple but fall the following general categories:

a. To transform our conscious and subconscious beliefs.

g. To change our attitudes and behavior.

c. To communicate more clearly, assertively and effectively.

d. To change our way of life.

e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.

9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall into categories:

a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease attracting or creating a situation, which bothers us.

b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to accept the situation exactly as it is.

c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate more effectively with others concerning what is happening.

d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to actively improve the external situation.

10. In order to discover what we need to learn and transform, we need first discover what there is in our own nature which is reflecting or projecting here. These reflections and projections are often multiple but falling into the two categories.

a. Aspects of ourselves (beliefs, behaviors, emotions) which attract and sustain this behavior, event, or circumstance.

b. Beliefs which make those particular behaviors, events, or circumstances unacceptable and painful for us.

SOME EXAMPLES OF POSSIBLE LESSONS

In relationship to factor 5.c. above concerning possible lessons we have chosen as souls to learn, here are some possibilities.

a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self-confidence, it would be only natural to create a situation in which my personality could not find external support, forcing me to depend upon myself.

b. If I need to learn self-acceptance, then it would be natural for me, as a soul, to create a situation in which I pass through a period of not being accepted by the others, so as to develop an inner base for my self-acceptance.

c. If I have come time overcome a fear, then the obvious way to do this would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly what I fear, so that I may overcome it.

d. If I need to overcome an aspect of my character such as selfishness, what better way to see my selfishness, than to confront it in others.

MIRRORING AND PROJECTING

There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting. When another’s behavior "mirrors" something inside us, that means that their is a resonance and that the other is behaving in a way which reflects some of our beliefs, emotions or expectations. There is a silent resonance between us, which causes one to mirror the other’s aspects.

"Projection" means that we are seeing things in the other’s behavior, which are not there, at least not to the extent that we see them. We are subjectively interpreting and often magnifying aspects of the other’s behavior so that we "project" on to his behavior our own beliefs, needs, fears, emotions and expectations, and guilt.

BEHAVIORS WHICH ANNOY US

The following questionnaire can be answered in various ways:

1. In written form.

2. Verbally with someone asking us these questions.

3. Mentally in a state of deep relaxation while someone asks us these questions. Whoever reads these questions should leave at least one minute between each question so that we can receive answers. We receive the answers and do not search for them. The answers may come not only as words in our mind, but also as feelings, physical or energy phenomena such a pains, heat or release etc. or even as images, memories.

This last method usually allows us access to deeper answers.

In all cases, however, we will need to make our discoveries more conscious by writing them.

Before attempting to do this work, we first have to decide which of the other’s annoying behaviors we want to work with. We will not be analyzing the other but our own selves. We need to realize what the other does or does not do that bothers us and diminishes our peace and happiness and thus the harmony and happiness of our relationship. We have something to learn from this situation. Now we have a chance to discover what that is.

Some possible behaviors which might bother us might be found in this list:

a. When she criticizes me.

b. When he does not respond to my request or needs.

c. When she asks me many questions.

d. When he shouts and accuses.

e. When she plays the role of victim and cries.

f. When she blames me for what has happened.

g. When he ignores me.

h. When he doesn’t listen to me.

i. When he looks at other women.

j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or responsibilities.

k. When he does not agree with me.

l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.

m. When she is late for our appointment.

n. When he doesn’t help out with the cleanliness.

o. When he tell lies.

p. When they ignore my needs.

q. When she gossips.

r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.

s. When she complains too much.

t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my point of view.

u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for.

v. When he threatens me that he will leave.

w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his share.

x. When the other is weak and dependent.

z. other_______________________

There are many other possible behaviors which might bother us, and diminish our peace and love for the other. The analysis we will make below will enable us to be happy regardless of what the other does and thus also free up our love for him or her. I would suggest that you first read through all the questions and the explanations which come after, before you go ahead and answer the questions for yourself.

We have found the most amazing results with this questionnaire. Most of us have discovered that we each contain quite a number of factors that are mirroring in the other’s behavior. Through this exercise we see very clearly that we ourselves create our reality and that only we can change it.

Let us very briefly explain the reason for each question.

EXPLANATION OF THE QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DISCOVERING OUR LESSONS

The specific behavior on the other’s behalf which bothers me and which I would like to analyze here is___________.

1. The emotions that I feel when the other behaves in this way or when I think of him or her behaving in this way are:

2. I feel this way because I have the following beliefs, which make feel that way:

These three first questions are designed to help us determine exactly what the stimulus, emotions and beliefs are which are bothering us. We must be careful that our answer concerning the first question is actually a behavior and not an interpretation of a behavior. That "the other does not love me" is not a behavior, it is an interpretation of some behavior. Those who are not familiar with the fundamentals of self-analysis, in which we learn to determine the stimulus, the emotions and the beliefs, will benefit from reading the book "The Psychology or Happiness".

Now the questionnaire moves forward to determine the possible aspects of our being which might be mirroring, resonating or projecting.

3. Have I ever behaved in this way towards this person or towards others in the past?

We are often annoyed by behaviors, which remind us of aspects of our own behavior that we do not accept or see in ourselves. Thus we need to confront it in others in order to have a stimulus to recognize it in ourselves and transform it.

In the case that we realize that, yes, in fact, we occasionally behave in this way our lesson could be:

a. To discover and transform the beliefs, habits and attachments which cause us to behave in that way.

b. To accept that behavior in ourselves.

4. Is there a part of myself which might fear something here? What do I fear here? And why do I fear that?

Any behavior which provokes fear in us will obviously be annoying. We might be tempted to create a list of reasons why the other’s behavior is unethical, unsociable and not proper, but more often the truth is that it annoys us because we fear that this behavior will have some negative consequences for us or those close to us.

We must remember that all negative feelings are born from fear and give this question serious thought, looking behind our anger, hurt, resentment, and jealously for the fear which is likely hiding there. The question goes on and on asking why we fear "that", again until we arrive at the basic fear which causes us to be annoyed by that behavior.

The lesson here might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to fear these behaviors. The root of these fears lie in our past experiences.

Note: Questions 3 and 4 uncover the vast majority of reflections and projections that create our reality. We attract and are annoyed by those behaviors that reflect our own behavior and that which we fear.

5. Is there a part of me that has learned to expect this behavior, which has come to believe that this is the way this person or others will behave?

People often behave towards us in ways that reflect our expectations. If we expect rejection or indifference, we will attract them by sympathetic resonance. The others are simply reflecting back to us our own beliefs and expectations.

Our lesson in such a case might be to free ourselves from the beliefs which cause us to expect these behaviors, and to adopt new beliefs which lead to more positive expectations.

6. Is there a part of me that believes that, for some reason, I deserve this behavior?

If a part of us subconsciously believes that we are not worthy and that we deserve to be treated in this way, then we will naturally attract this behavior. The others may even feel guilty that they are behaving to us in this way, while they are being pushed subconsciously in this direction by our own beliefs about ourselves (Of course they have the free will to overcome our pull in that direction).

Also we will perceive - project this reality even when t does not exist. For example we will perceive rejection, failure or danger where they are not.

Our lesson here is to learn to accept and love ourselves as we are and realize that we deserve each person’s love, acceptance and respect - just as they deserve ours.

7. Is there a part of me that behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me?

We often behave in negative ways towards ourselves, criticizing ourselves, ignoring our needs, putting ourselves down or being ironic with ourselves. Then when others do the same to us, we feel annoyed and hurt. But they are simply reflecting back to us our own behavior towards ourselves, whether they perceive it or not. They do not need to see this behavior in us. These beliefs, attitudes, feelings and behaviors are transmitted subconsciously and silently.

Our lesson in such a case would be to learn to respect and cultivate positive behaviors towards ourselves. We need to behave towards ourselves as we would like others to behave towards us. (An interesting version of an age old truth, "to do others as you would like them to do to you".)

8. Is there a part of me which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me?

We sometimes are annoyed by and criticize behaviors, which subconsciously perhaps we would actually like occasionally to be able to adopt. For example, a person who has difficulty in expressing himself might be annoyed by an overly expressive person. A person, who has difficulty being silent, might feel uncomfortable with a silent type. A person who restrains and suppresses himself, in order to be conscientious regarding responsibilities or rules is likely to feel annoyed by and angry with a person who makes no effort to do so. But, perhaps that person who is rejecting and criticizing would actually like to be free to let go once in a while and not be so "responsible".

We are also attracting behaviors that reflect our jealousy, lack of understanding and self-restriction.

Our lesson here would be to free ourselves in order to behave in a way which represents our beliefs and values. Also to let others to decide for themselves how they want to behave. Others are not required to live their lives according to our morals, standards or limitations.

9. Does this behavior remind me of anything that I experienced as a child?

We are often more vulnerable to behaviors which remind us of situations which we experienced when we were children. If we could get free from the pain or fear we are holding from our childhood years, the behavior which presently bothers us would not affect us so much.

We are attracting this behavior because we need to have contact with it until we free ourselves from that baggage from the past. It is our stimulus towards growth and maturity.

The lesson is to transform our childhood experiences.

10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?

A. The victim? B. The intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one - without needs J. The just one K. The good person L. The one responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof R. The critic or Interrogator. S. Some other role?

Each of these roles tends to attract similar or opposite roles from those around us. If we play the parent, the other will behave like a child. If we play the child, the other will behave like a parent, teacher or savior. If we feel responsible for everyone, the others will be irresponsible etc.

The lesson here is to discover which of our roles are reflecting in the other’s behavior, or is making his or her behavior annoying to us. Once we determine this, we will need to see what adjustments we need to make in the way we are interpreting our role.

11. Which are my needs or attachments that are being intimidated by this behavior?

12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person?

Our needs and attachments are reflected in many ways. Our negative feelings result from our not being able to get what we want or from our fearing that we may not be able to have it, or that we might lose it. When our happiness is dependent on someone or something outside of ourselves, and the time has come for us to transcend that attachment, life offers us behaviors and events which force us to free ourselves from this attachment or else continue to suffer.

When the time has come to overcome the belief that "I must have that____" some of the following possible situations might occur:

a. Obstacles appear towards having it.

b. We obtain it but at the expense of our health.

c. We have it but it produces conflicts with others.

d. We have it but it causes us conflict with ourselves.

e. We have it, but we lose it.

f. We destroy our health and harmony trying to get it.

h. Some around us also believe we must have it. They strengthen our beliefs.

i. Others are against our having it.

One lesson is that we can be happy, safe and satisfied without this attachment. Another might be to become more positive and capable of manifesting what we want.

13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here, which might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior?

Our feelings of guilt and shame are very easily reflected by those around us. We attract from others what makes us feel guilt or shame until we are able to transform the beliefs that generate those feelings.

Our feelings of guilt or self-doubt are often what which make the other’s behavior painful for us, as we are reminded by their behavior of our doubts about our purity, ability and self-worth.

Our lesson is to clarify in our minds what our real responsibilities are concerning the others and where our self-worth is based.

14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here?

We will attract whatever we criticize and condemn until we learn to understand and accept the other. We can disagree with another's behavior, without rejecting the person. As long as we criticize and condemn, we will be confronted over and over again by this same behavior.

Our lesson is to develop understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love for others and ourselves.

15. Do I have any internal conflicts that are being played out here? Is there a part of myself who doubts my own self and agrees with the other?

Our internal conflicts are very often reflected by others who are reflecting one of our conflicting personas. Because we are in conflict with ourselves, the other’s behavior annoys us by bringing to the surface a part of ourselves with which we are already in conflict.

For example, if one part of ourselves says we should be making more money, get married, achieve more, work more, eat less, spend more time with the children, have more discipline or lose weight and the other person gives us any of these messages in any way, we are disturbed by his or her behavior, because it reminds us of a conflict we already have with ourselves.

In such a case, we need to apply an inner dialogue technique and clarify internally what we really want and believe. We also need to accept this conflict until it is resolved and then we will be able to share it with others. This work is described in detail in the book "Saram - A Soul Adventure in Persona Reconciliation".

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs that I have not clearly communicated to the other?

Our unexpressed emotions, needs and beliefs are frequently reflected by others. This will happen until we overcome any obstacles to honest and sincere communication with those who behave in ways that annoy us. If we have never expressed clearly to someone without accusation and criticism that his or her behavior bothers us, how do we expect him or her to stop?

Our lesson is to learn to make I-messages expressing very clearly what we want, need, feel and believe, without trying to put down or hurt the other.

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and, in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?

18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?

Questions 17 and 18 ask us to look to the answers we have given to the questions above and decide what we need to transform in order to cease attracting the behavior which bothers us and, in the case that it does appear, not be bothered by it. The basis answer in each case is to transform the beliefs, which are creating this reflection and projection.

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea.

This visualization and question has been added at the end for two reasons. First, it allows us to imagine this situation as solved and transformed. This is an essential aspect of manifesting the change we desire; i.e. to be able to envision it.

We cannot create what we cannot first believe. If we cannot image the other as being kind and loving it will very likely never happen.

The second reason is for us to see how we feel with the idea of this problem being totally solved and the other behaving in a perfect way. It is interesting that a large number of people have discovered with this question that something was missing when the problem disappeared. They then realized that, although they complain about this person’s behavior, it actually serves some purpose in their lives.

For some, being the victim, the abused was their way of establishing their own self-worth. As long as the other was wrong, then they were the good guys and thus worthy. Now without this game, they are no longer affirmed on a daily basis.

In other cases, the problem was an excuse for not to being able to manifest their creativity or productivity, and now they would have no excuse. For still others, it was a reason not to be happy, and now they will have to find another reason, or "risk" being happy.

This questionnaire could also be used to analyze our lessons inherent in situations or events which are annoying us, by simply replacing the word behavior with the words event, circumstance or situation. Also we can, in the same way, analyze what we can learn from our body through problems of health or appearance. But in this book we are focusing on relationships. Now it is your turn to give these questions a try.

QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DISCOVERING OUR LESSONS

IN WHAT BOTHERS US IN OTHERS’ BEHAVIOR

The specific behavior on the other’s behalf which bothers me and which I would like to analyze here is_________________________________

1. The emotions, which I feel when the other behaves in this way or when I think of him behaving in this way, are...

2. I feel this way because I have the following beliefs which make feel that way...

3. Have I ever behaved in this way towards this person or towards others in the past?

4. Is there a part of myself that fears something here? What might I fear here? And why do I fear that?

5. Is there a part of myself that has learned to expect this behavior, which has come to believe that this is the way this person or others in general, will behave?

6. Is there a part of myself that believes that, for some reason, I deserve this behavior?

7. Is there a part of myself that behaves towards my own self in the way that this person behaves to me?

8. Is there a part of myself which occasionally would like to act or behave in that way but something stops me?

9. Does this behavior remind me of anything that I experienced as a child?

10. Am I perhaps playing some role here which is attracting this behavior from the other?

A. The victim B. the intimidator C. The teacher D. The parent E. The child F. The intelligent one G. The righteous one H. The rebel I. The strong one - without needs J. The just one K. The Good person L. The one Responsible for all M. The server N. The weak one O. The spiritual person P. The judge Q. The Aloof one, R. The Critic or Interrogator Q.. Some other role?

11. Which are my needs or attachments that are being intimidated by this behavior?

12. What will I lose if I do not get the behavior I want from that person?

13. Do I have any feelings of guilt here that might be being mirrored? Are feelings of guilt or responsibility for the other making me vulnerable to this behavior?

14. Am I being critical, judgmental or rejecting here?

15. Do I have any internal conflicts that are being played out here? Is there a part of myself that doubts my own self and agrees with the other?

16. Are there any emotions, needs and beliefs that I have not communicated in a clear way to the other?

17. What is my lesson here? What do I need to change in order to stop attracting this behavior and in the case that it appears, not be bothered by it?

18. What do I need to do to maintain my happiness?

19. Now imagine that the other person actually changes and behaves exactly as you wish, and becomes a perfect friend respecting your every need, and that this problem has completely disappeared. Notice how you feel with this idea.

In the next chapter those of you who have completed this questionnaire will have the opportunity to engage in a process of getting free from this mirroring and projection process. Realizing that we are attracting and projecting our reality is the first and most important step. The next is to share these discoveries with those who are mirroring us and on whom we have been projecting. That means taking responsibility for the reality we are creating.

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS AND TRUTHS WHICH WILL FREE US

The following positive beliefs will then aid in that freedom process.

a. Each is responsible for his happiness, health, and satisfaction.

b. I seek to help those around me to be well, without seeking my feelings of self-worth through the results of my effort.

c. I ask for what I need, without identifying my self-worth with how the others respond.

d. Everyone loves me.

e. I am lovable.

f. My self-worth is totally independent of what others think of me.

g. I live in a just world, which brings me exactly what I need.

h. We each help and support each other without feeling obliged.

i. I trust others

j. I am eternally safe

k. I am safe wherever I am.

l. I want and seek to help my loved ones to be happy, but can be happy when they are not.

m. I am totally capable of handling all situations which may come my way.

n. I am free to be myself in all situations.

o. I feel the others’ love even when they cannot respond to my requests.

p. I am worthy of being loved without needing to be perfect.

q. I feel safe allowing others to function according to their own inner guidance.

r. Others continue to love me even when I cannot respond to their needs or beliefs.

s. I feel understood in most cases and do not feel the need to be understood in cases where I am not.

t. Forgiving others is my release into peace and happiness.

u. Forgiving others heals my relationship with them.

I suggest that you select the positive affirmations that appeal to you and make signs or cards to place where you will see them frequently.