Women generally complain that their spouses:

a. Do not pay enough attention to them.

b. Do not communicate what they are feeling or thinking.

c. Are not affectionate enough.

d. Are overly focused on their work.

e. Do not treat them as equals.

f. In sex, tend to be quick and premature in their orgasms.

g. Are not sensitive and understanding.

h. Are not home often enough.

i. Do not appreciate the work in the home or reimburse them for it.

j. Make decisions about work and life without regarding woman’s & families needs.

k. Are not monogamous and create parallel relationships.

While men generally complain that women:

a. Want to talk too much.

b. Complain and criticize them frequently.

c. Try to suppress their (the men’s) personal freedom, usually by complaining, nagging or criticizing.

d. Do not reason logically.

e. Are never happy.

f. Withhold sex for personal and sometime vindictive reasons.

g. Are overly emotional with moods that change from one moment to the next.

h. Are unpredictable,

i. Tend to Gossip

j. Are not faithful in some cases.

k. Are not home enough.

l. Are not sufficiently taking care of home.

The differing needs and ways in which men and women think, feel and behave often lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. These problems can be excellent growth situations if handled maturely and lovingly. If not, they can lead to chronic conflict, isolation or separation.

Let us now look at some of the more common relationship conflicts. Our different needs, or more often, our different ways of satisfying those needs, bring us into conflict as to how we should live, act or interact. It is very common for two or more people who have exactly the same needs to have different perceptions as to how they can or should fulfill those needs.

Let us look at some examples.

WHO IS RIGHT?

Most of the games and roles we will discuss further on are also in some way related to this question of "who is right." It is difficult for most people to realize that we can differ in our ways of thinking, acting, and approaching life and still both be "right." We believe there must be only one right way. Because of this, we feel the need to change the other, to make him or her perceive and approach life in the same manner we do. We fear that if the other’s way is right, then ours must be wrong. It seldom dawns on us that the other’s way could be right for him or her and ours could be right for us, that we can live harmoniously with this difference, and that there is no need to change him or her so as to prove we are right.

This is an extremely important point. Although we seem to fight over such matters as cleanliness, communication, discipline or freedom, in reality, what is most often important to us is determining "who is right." We want the other to accept our point not so much so as to fulfill a need or value, but because we are convinced that winning this case will make us "right."

This complicates matters even more because in some cases we are not discussing or arguing about the real needs or issues. We may be talking about our beliefs regarding how to bring up our children, but our actual need is self-verification through the other’s admission that we are right and the other is wrong. We are not talking about our real need, i.e. self-affirmation or self-confidence, and thus we cannot find any solution for the problem because we do not realize what the real problem is.

This may not be true in every case, but it is in a large number of cases and we would do well to search within in order to determine how much, if at all, our problem is infiltrated by this need for affirmation. In such cases, we will need to cultivate greater self-confidence and self-acceptance so we can free ourselves from this need for approval through such games that are destructive to our relationships and to our own happiness. (The book "The Psychology of Happiness" will be of help in this effort..)

Let us keep the above point in mind as we look at some of the more common conflicts that infiltrate our personal and professional relationships.

"WE NEED TO SPEAK" vs. "LEAVE ME ALONE"

Some people solve their problems by talking; others by retreating into themselves. When these two types form a close personal relationship, conflicts may ensue.

Let us say that Mary has a need to communicate her feelings, needs, fears and/or the family problems to her husband. John, on the other hand, consuming most of his energy professionally, has a need to be quiet and not very communicative when at home. He might be programmed to believe that men do not have much to do with family affairs, that they are distant, not expressive of emotions, or that it is a sign of weakness for men to express emotions.

He does not feel at ease with the type of discussions Mary would like to have about their relationship, her feelings and her and the children’s needs. John loves and cares about his family, but does not feel at all comfortable in this realm of emotions. He might think, "Can’t they see my love and caring through the way I exhaust myself at work everyday for them? What else do they want? I just want to sit here, be quiet, and rest my mind from all these problems at work."

Mary would love to share John’s professional problems, to hear about them and discuss them, but he does not feel comfortable discussing such things with "a woman." Mary, on the other hand, needs more affirmation of John’s caring through communication. She desires more attention so she can be sure she is still important to him. She is beginning to feel doubtful about her attractiveness as a woman. She may occasionally fear that John is not really interested in her anymore (perhaps he has found someone else to satisfy his emotional and physical needs).

Thus, the situation is something like this: Mary approaches John, feeling a need to talk about their relationship and the family. There may even be important decisions to be made or serious problems with the children. Not getting the response she would like, Mary accumulates feelings of rejection, hurt and resentment. She begins to expect rejection from John and starts blaming him, criticizing him for not performing his responsibilities as a householder, husband and father.

Mary’s accusations hurt John, causing him to retreat further into himself and cut Mary short almost immediately in her attempts to communicate. He begins to avoid her as much as possible. This makes her feel even more rejected, abused and perhaps angry.

As a consequence, Mary feels an even greater need to pressure him to communicate. Sometimes she becomes unpleasant, desperate, demanding and even aggressive. John, out of his fear and aversion to being forced into doing something he does not feel comfortable doing,, becomes equally aggressive, perhaps even violent, in order to protect himself from Mary’s needs and accusations.

This creates a vicious circle in which both Mary and John become increasingly alienated, each feeling abused and believing that he or she is right. Communication breaks down and they either separate or live together (for the children or out of habit) without any communication whatsoever.

I have seen many Marys and Johns sit before me at counseling sessions in which we have tried together to establish a new channel and mode of communication. Each was always sure that he or she was right and that the other was wrong, but in my thirty years of working on relationship problems, I have yet to see even one case in which one was right and the other was wrong. In each case, I see two people who have basically the same needs (love, attention, self-affirmation, freedom of expression, harmony, respect, etc.), but different programmings concerning how to satisfy them.

It never occurred to them that both are right in light of their childhood programmings and they have come together because they have something to learn from each other. In such a case, John could learn to overcome his programmings about how a man must react and behave. He can overcome his fear of expressing emotions and sharing his weaknesses, fears and concerns with his wife. He can learn to be open and more expressive, and not fear her needs.

Mary could learn to have more self-confidence, more self-acceptance. She could let go of the need to discuss everything, and develop a sense of discretion as to what absolutely must be discussed. She can get free from talking as a means of verifying John’s interest and love.

Mary can learn to talk less and John can learn to talk more. Then they would find harmony. But often, rather than move towards each other, each moves into his or her own "camp" and becomes even more extreme, John more reticent, and Mary more demanding. This is further complicated by the "who is right" game which we mentioned earlier.

Another factor that sometimes complicates matters is when Mary, or whoever the talkative one is, uses his or her talking ability to prove that the other is wrong and that he or she is right. In such cases, when we have approached someone a number of times supposedly to discuss something, and each time we have managed to prove (through our superior debating ability) that the other is wrong and that we are right, the other will obviously start avoiding us. The next time the other sees us coming, he or she will find some way, pleasant or unpleasant, to avoid discussion. I have seen many "smart" men and women corner their spouses enough times so as to force them simply to stop communicating. The pressured one learns to play the role of the "Intimidator" or the "Aloof" to keep the talker at a distance.

Thus, all those "superior communicators" who feel bitter about their spouse’s, child’s or parent’s refusal to communicate with them should check whether or not they might be playing the "who’s right" game through their superior communicative ability. If this is so, they will have to correct this before the other will be willing to communicate again with them. It might take time to prove to the other that they have given up this game.

How can we do this? Accept and love ourselves and the other exactly as we are, and understand that there are as many "rights" as there are people. We can put ourselves in his or her position and understand what he or she is feeling. We need to understand that although we have different perceptions, we can both be right.

CLEANLINESS AND ORDER vs.

FREEDOM AND RELAXATION

Anna and George have been married for a number of years. They have each settled into their own stances concerning various matters on which they do not agree. One of those is just how clean and in order the house must be. Anna’s standards are much higher than George’s. He too has a need for the house to be clean and in order, but not to the same degree as Anna.

When things are not "perfect," Anna feels uncomfortable; she cannot relax. She thinks, "What if some unexpected guest came in now, say my mother, or even worse, my mother-in-law? How would they judge me as the woman of the house? What will they say about me?" Anna has been programmed to believe that her self-worth is dependent upon her role as wife, mother and housekeeper. If she is not good at these in the eyes of those around her, she feels she is a failure.

She was also programmed to believe that the order and cleanliness of the house is exclusively "the woman’s responsibility," her job and no one else’s. Now that she would like to occupy herself with other activities, she feels used and abused, as well as resentful that no one else, neither George nor the children will help out with the house cleaning. She feels like a slave whose needs are not considered or respected.

On the other hand, Anna has never learned how to express those needs. Until now, she never thought the others might be able to help, thus she has programmed all of them with the same belief, that they have no responsibilities in the home, that the home is exclusively her responsibility. Consequently, they do absolutely nothing to help. She herself has created this situation with her beliefs and behavior, never really allowing the others to help, because "the children have more important things to do" or because "this is not a man’s job" or perhaps because she was also afraid of losing her role as the perfect housewife.

George and the kids, on the other hand, could probably be gradually awakened to the idea or sharing some responsibilities so that Anna could be freer. The fact is that they do love and care for her. The thought has simply not been discussed or absorbed enough. But even if they did decide to help, it is very possible that each has a different concept as to what is in order and what is clean. George may be perfectly satisfied with the quality of cleanliness and order that exists. Anna, on the other hand, viewing exactly the same room, may feel uncomfortable and even angry that George is not helping. George believes the room is fine and in addition to that, he has other priorities which he feels are more pressing than spending more time on even more cleanliness and order.

Before discussing some of the possible dramas that might take place in such situations, I would like to say that the choice of the female in the role as over-concerned about order is only arbitrary. I have met a number of cases in which the roles were reversed with the husband desiring more order than the wife. Such a situation might also exist in an office, store or any professional environment.

What usually happens is that Anna starts to complain (directly or indirectly) and emits negative energy in general, perhaps pressuring the others, criticizing them, or even blaming them concerning matters of order and cleanliness. The others begin to feel pressure as well as rejection, perhaps even injustice. This usually creates the reaction of resistance and consciously, or more often subconsciously, they become even sloppier, more disorderly and less cooperative. This is a defense mechanism.

As a result, Anna has two problems and the "mess" seems even more unbearable. One problem is that she does not have the order she needs in order to relax inwardly. The second is that she now feels even more rejected and abused. She thinks, "They have not responded to my plea for help. They do not respect me. They do not love me."

This causes her to feel even more hurt and unhappy, which can lead her into either of two directions. One is to close off from the others and feel lonely, mistreated, rejected and unloved. The other is to become even more aggressive, demanding, and unpleasant. In both cases, her relationship with George and the family has lost its harmony. No one is really happy.

Everyone involved needs to learn to communicate more openly, honestly and more frequently, not allowing emotions to build up so that the only way they can be expressed is in a negative manner.

Anna, probably, never really believed she would get help. She was never programmed to believe that the woman of the house could ask for and receive help from her husband and children. It is unlikely that she saw such positive role models of equality as a child. Society has recently started to become conscious of such a possibility. Thus, it is very likely that she never really "asked" for help, but more likely that she simply complained or blamed the others or expressed her negativity in other ways.

We will get more positive results when we seek help believing others will surely come to our aid and that we deserve their help or that, since they love us, it is natural for them to want to help. Then we will feel very comfortable asking. If we start out by blaming them for not helping, for being insensitive, and irresponsible, it is unlikely others will happily respond.

Anna will need to work on her belief system and her role programming, as well as learn to communicate more positively. She will also benefit by understanding that the others too have been programmed and that she, to a large extent, has been responsible for programming them. It will not be easy for them to hear what she is saying at first because what she is asking is incomprehensible to them.

It may take time, a great deal of time. If she realizes this, she will not feel that "they do not love her" when she does not get the response she would like to have. She will have to learn patience and to be more sure about her self-worth, so she does not feel rejected and unloved so easily. The others do love her, but they may not be able to change their programming or behavior so quickly.

This mechanism is often found in situations where one member of a relationship, family or any grouping has been playing the role of the strong, capable or responsible one for a long time. He or she is the one who handles all the problems, can be counted on for everything, and most importantly, "has no needs." Then, at some point, this "strong one" gets tired of taking on all the responsibilities for the group (or relationship) and would like some help from the others, but it will take some time before the others can realize that he or she really does need help. The "strong one" will feel hurt, rejected, thinking, "I have given so much. Can’t they think of me now and help?"

They can and they will, and all will benefit by this change in roles, but it will take time. The "strong one" has programmed them into believing that he or she has no needs, and that they can sit back, become irresponsible and depend on him or her. In this way, all suffer. The others lose the opportunity to grow to develop their abilities and the "strong one" gets caught up in his role, until at some point, he or she wears down his or her nervous system and vitality.

George and the family, on the other hand, can try to listen more carefully. Anna may or may not be expressing her needs clearly. Since they love her and care about her, their job is to try to get to the core of what exactly is bothering her. She has some needs that are not being fulfilled and this is making her unhappy, otherwise she would not be expressing herself in this negative way.

They can learn to sit and listen and talk with her, ignoring her accusations and going deeper in order to understand what she is feeling and how they can help her. They may not be able to change their programming about how clean the house must be, but they can surely reaffirm their love and respect for her. This is probably much more important to her than the orderliness. She needs to know that they love and respect her.

The family can have a meeting once a week where each member can discuss his or her feelings and needs and ask for help and cooperation from the others. When they have need conflicts, they can try to find practical solutions that will satisfy each of them to some degree. Perhaps there are small or even large actions that they can take to help each other. They can raise our standards for order, while Anna also works on feeling comfortable and secure with less. This is why they are together, to learn from each other and to come into balance.

We tend, however, to do the opposite. Anna’s obsession with order makes them become sloppier, which in turn makes Anna even more compulsive. The answer is for one to become more interested and the other less. They will all grow through this experience.

Relationships and families are life situations that can function as schools for love. If we do not let go of our ego, our selfishness, our smallness and open up into love, we will continue suffering over and over again. Without love there is no harmony, no happiness. We have two choices. We can look at our relationship problems as opportunities to learn more about ourselves and grow free from our imbalances and change. This change will be a movement in our own spiritual evolution. It will be a movement from I and mine to we and ours, from ego-centeredness to love. The other option is to continue suffering.

CONTROL vs. FLOW

Each person, in his attempt to find security, affirmation, happiness and harmony in his life, searches for ways in which he can most effectively create the world he desires. Some people have become programmed to believe they can do this only by controlling the situations and people around them. Others believe that matters work out better when they let things flow. Some prefer not to confront problems or issues, especially when that entails the possibility of conflict. Others cannot hold themselves back from rushing head-on into conflict with whoever voluntarily or involuntarily obstructs them from getting what they want.

Most of us, however, function through some combination of these attitudes. There are times when we feel we must control ourselves and make efforts toward change and / or toward confrontation. There are other times when we feel it is best to let things work out by themselves. Our motives in each case may be different. One may avoid acting upon some problem out of fear or lack of self-confidence. Another may do the same out of an inherent wisdom or faith that, in this case, it would be best to let the situation work itself out. Still another may realize that his problem is an internal one and that the solution must be found within him or her, and not through controlling others.

Two people living or working together may have difficulties when they are used to handling situations in different ways. Such conflicts may arise concerning how to raise their children, how to manage their financial affairs or how to respond to relatives or social situations. One may believe it would be irresponsible not to control the children, while the other may feel that such control will harm them or obstruct their own inner discrimination and creative thought. One may feel insecure or guilty if he is not able to closely regulate his children’s activities, while the other may feel this could destroy their self-confidence and self-acceptance.

One may feel that money must be set aside for the future, while the other may feel the family should enjoy life and use their financial resources in the present. One may feel people must always conform to the demands placed on them by relatives and social programmings. The other may feel that this is hypocritical and unnecessary.

THE NEED FOR SEX AND AFFECTION

Another common source of misunderstanding and conflict between couples is their differing needs for sex or affection. Usually in the beginning of the relationship, these needs are similar, but as the years pass, one starts to feel less desire or need than the other. This puts them both in a difficult position.

The one who has a greater need feels rejected by the other when there is no warm response to his or her approaches. This often creates the misunderstanding that the other does not love, care for or is not interested in him or her any more. In some cases, this may be true. In others, love and interest are still there, but there is simply less need in one than in the other for their expression in this particular physical way.

A vicious circle ensues. The one who feels rejected pressures the other for contact and eventually starts to express negativity. The other feels pressured to have a type of contact he or she does not desire and builds up various defense mechanisms. One form of defense may be avoidance and preoccupation with other matters. Another may be aggressiveness. Even illness might be used as an excuse.

Both feel wronged and alienated. This is accentuated when one or both cannot distinguish between sex and affection. Even when one may feel less desire for sexual contact, often this person’s need for the expression of affection remains. Often, however, he or she avoids any type of affectionate contact with the fear that it may lead to sexual feelings. This cuts them both off from each other in terms of "energy and feeling transfer," which is usually essential for their health and growth process.

How we approach these conflicts will depend upon the roles through which we usually function in order to get what we want. We might approach each of the above and other conflicts with a combination of roles. We may seek to get what we want playing the victim, the interrogator, the intimidator or the distant one.

In the next chapter we will share a simple technique for dealing with such need conflicts. Later on, we’ll discuss how to free ourselves from the roles we play when seeking to control others in order to satisfy our needs. Then we will be able to approach these problems more maturely, lovingly and effectively.