STRENGTHENING OUR CONSCIOUS LOVE

From the book Conscious Love Relationships

by Robert Elias Najemy

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(As in the previous chapter, the basic ideas of this section are inspired by, but not limited to, the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks)

We have already presented the twelve conscious decisions essential for a conscious love relationship. We remind you of them here.

TWELVE CONSCIOUS DECISIONS TOWARD A CONSCIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIP.

In this chapter we will work with some questions that will help us clarify where we might have difficulty aligning ourselves with these decisions. We warmly suggest you try to answer these questions for yourself as we move on. Do not let the sample answers limit you. They are simply there to help you understand the question. Feel free to answer in any way you prefer.

Most questions can be answered concerning any important relationship, such as with a spouse, parent, child, sibling or good friend. A few (for example those concerning sexual issues) have to do only with spouses. Simply ignore them when working with other types of relationships.

Many thousands of people have benefited from answering these questions. I hope you will too.

CLARIFYING OUR CONSCIOUS COMMITMENTS

1. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING AS OPEN AND UNITED AS POSSIBLE TO YOU AND TO REMOVING FROM MYSELF ANYTHING THAT OBSTRUCTS THAT UNITY.

Questions:

A. WHEN DO I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FEEL CLOSE AND OPEN TO THE OTHER? IN WHICH SITUATIONS, IN RESPONSE TO WHICH BEHAVIORS, ACTIONS OR ATTITUDES?

Sample answers:

1. When they criticize me.

2. When they do not respond to my request or needs.

3. When my energy is low and I am feeling down.

4. When I feel that they want to control me.

5. When I feel that they want to depend on me.

6. When the other is different from me, such as from another religion, political party, race or social class.

7. When the other is playing roles, such as intimidator, interrogator, victim or aloof.

8. When the other thinks he or she is superior.

9. When the other is ego centered.

10. When the other is not conscientious about his or her agreements or responsibilities.

11. When others do not agree with me.

12. When they do not understand me.

13. When they obstruct me from satisfying my needs.

14. When they do not respect me.

15. When they try to control or suppress me.

16. When they tell lies or gossip about me.

17. When they harm me or someone close to me.

18. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives.

19. When they are negative, complaining, whining, criticizing, etc.

20. When they think they know it everything.

21. When they give me advice I have not asked for.

22. When they play the role of the victim, the "poor me," and want attention.

23. When they do not take care of themselves or do not carry their load.

24. When they are weak and dependent.

25. When they use me or others.

26. When they are cold and insensitive.

27. When they are lazy.

28. When they ignore my needs.

29. When they tell lies.

B. WHAT IS IT THAT I FEEL IN THOSE SITUATIONS THAT CAUSES ME TO CLOSE UP AND RESIST OPENNESS OR BEING CLOSE?

Fear, self-doubt, rejection, insecurity, hurt, bitterness, anger, jealousy, injustice, suppression of my freedom, weakness.

C. WHAT EXACTLY DO I FEAR IN THOSE SITUATIONS?

1. Abandonment.

2. Suppression, restriction of my freedom.

3. Criticism, accusation, rejection.

4. Being hurt.

5. That I will not be able to be myself.

6. That you will ask things from me that I cannot give.

7. That you will ask me to feel things which I cannot feel at that moment.

8. Being used.

9. Other.

D. WHEN I IMAGINE YOU APPROACHING ME:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

a. Happy that you want my love.

b. Fear that I cannot satisfy your need.

c. Fear that if you get very close to me, you may not really want me.

d. Fear that this will not last.

e. A blockage that as a man, I am not supposed to express love.

f. Suffocated by your need.

g. Security and self-worth that there is a person who needs my love.

h. Some combination of the above and other.

2. WANTING TO CRITICIZE, OR ACCUSE OR REJECT ME, I FEEL:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

a. Fear and the need to protect myself from your criticism.

b. Injustice because this is unfair.

c. Fear for my self-worth.

d. Fear of being controlled by you.

e. Anger toward your tendency to do this frequently.

f. Hurt and insecurity because you do not accept me as I am.

g. Some combination of the above and other.

3. WANTING TO GIVE ME YOUR LOVE OR AFFECTION, I FEEL:

a. Happy and secure because you love me.

b. Uncomfortable because I am not used to this. I am afraid I will be hurt.

c. Fearful that you will ask for something in return.

d. Fearful of losing my freedom.

e. Fearful that you will then abandon me.

f. At peace because I am loved as I am.

g. Some combination of the above and other.

4. WANTING SEXUAL CONTACT WITH ME, I FEEL:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

a. Happy because I am attractive to you and you desire me.

b. Happy because my sexual needs are being fulfilled.

c. Anxious that I may not be able to satisfy you.

d. Repulsed because I do not feel that way now.

e. Angry because you approach me sexually but not emotionally.

f. Hurt because I perceive that you see me as an object for your satisfaction.

g. Affirmed because you want me.

h. Some combination of the above and other.

5. WITH THE IDEA OUR BEING TOGETHER FOR EVER, I FEEL:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

a. Peaceful and secure that I am safe because we will face life together.

b. Happy because we will be able to enjoy each other continuously.

c. Fearful that I will feel suppressed and bored.

d. Trapped and unhappy.

e. Some combination of the above and other.

E. MY GREATEST INTERNAL OBSTACLES TOWARD FEELING CLOSE TO YOU IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS ARE:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

1. I fear being hurt by you.

2. I fear that you will limit my freedom.

3. I fear that you will leave me.

4. I fear that I do not deserve being so happy, that something bad will eventually happen.

5. I am angry with you.

6. I have a bad prototype for relationships from my childhood years.

7. Some combination of the above and other.

F. MY FAMILY PROGRAMMING ABOUT CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS IS:

Some possible answers:

1. That one competes with the other.

2. That there is no real communication.

3. That someone will be hurt or abused.

4. That no one will listen to my needs.

5. That one will cheat on the other.

6. That a conscious love relationship and a family are the basis of happiness.

7. That this is the purpose of our lives.

8. Some combination of the above and other.

G. FEARS THAT PREVENT ME FROM FEELING EVEN MORE OPEN AND CLOSE TO YOU ARE:

Already mentioned in the answers to question 4, plus the following:

1. That you will ask for more than I can give.

2. That I will not be able to be myself in this relationship.

3. That if you really get to know me, you will not longer want me.

H. THE THINGS I NEED FROM YOU IN ORDER TO FEEL MORE OPEN AND CLOSER TO YOU ARE

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

1. To accept and love me as I am.

2. To not criticize me.

3. To understand and love me even when I am not in a good mood.

4. To verify your love for me in various spontaneous ways.

5. To be affectionate with me.

6. To receive more sexual contact.

7. To listen to me when I need to talk and to respond to my questions.

8. To respect my need to occasionally be alone.

9. To allow me a certain degree of freedom of movement.

10.To express your feelings and needs to me.

11.To trust me and not to doubt me.

12. To be more independent and self-sufficient.

13. To be happy about my successes.

14. To share your problems and concerns with me.

15. To ask me if I am in the mood or if I would prefer to set up another time soon, before you start talking about something important.

16. Some combination of the above and other.

I. THE THINGS I CAN DO TO BE MORE OPEN AND CLOSER TO YOU ARE:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

1. Overcome my fear of being abandoned.

2. Learn to accept and love myself as I am.

3. Develop inner security and self-confidence.

4. Realize that freedom is an internal state and not an external situation.

5. Learn to accept criticism and use it for my personal growth.

6. Learn to say no when I prefer not to do something.

7. Learn to take personal space when I need it so I can be more positive to you.

8. Learn to listen to your needs and try to support you in them.

9. Learn to express my feelings and especially my affection, respect and love.

10. Some combination of the above and other.

J. THAT WHICH BOTHERS ME MOST ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR OR ATTITUDE IS:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

1. Your smoking.

2. Your critical nature.

3. Your not cleaning up after yourself.

4. Your spending too much money.

5. Your closing into yourself and not communicating with me.

6. Your lack of affection or romantic expression.

7. Some combination of the above and many others.

K. THAT WHICH I MUST LEARN IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN MY PEACE AND HAPPINESS WHEN CONFRONTED BY YOUR BEHAVIOR IS:

Some possible answers depending on ourselves and who is asking:

Here apply most of the answers to question "I" above, and also the following:

1. That my security and self-worth are within me and do not depend on your presence, behavior or opinions.

2. To develop my relationship with God.

3. To love and accept you exactly as you are.

4. To love and accept myself as I am.

5. To remember at every moment that life gives me exactly what I need in order to learn my next lesson in life and continue my evolution.

6. To remember that you are my teacher on the evolutionary path.

7. Some combination of the above and many others.

2. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO PARTICIPATING FULLY IN MY PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION.

A. MY OBSTACLES TOWARD BEING MORE COMMITTED AND STEADFAST IN MY DECISIONS FOR SELF GROWTH ARE:

Some possible answers might be:

1. I resent your laziness.

2. I feel suppressed when I keep a discipline.

3. I get the feeling that I am wasting my time or that it is egotistical to spend time on myself.

4. I fear what others will say if they see me employing techniques for my self-improvement.

5. I have too many other needs and desires that occupy my time.

6. I do not want to leave the others alone.

7. I have many habits that occupy my time and energy

8. I have doubts whether it is worth it.

B. I WOULD LIKE TO EMPLOY THE FOLLOWING IN ORDER TO PROCEED IN MY EVOLUTION:

1. A proper diet.

2. Daily exercises, breathing techniques and relaxation techniques

3. Daily prayer and meditation

4. A plant to stop smoking

5. A pledge to avoid gossiping and too much talking.

6. A plan to get free from fear and jealousy.

7. A commitment to helping the poor once a week.

3. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO TELLING THE TRUTH IN EVERY SITUATION.

A. WHICH TRUTHS (PERCEPTIONS, ACTIONS, EMOTIONS, NEEDS, DESIRES) DO I FIND DIFFICULT TO EXPRESS FREELY?

a. That I do not agree with everything he or she does.

b. That I have not always told him or her the truth.

c. That he or she is more ill than he or she thinks.

d. That other people gossip about him or her and do not think well of him or her.

2. TO AVOID CONFLICT:

a. That I do not agree with what he or she is doing.

b. That I do not want to do what he or she wants me to do.

3. OUT OF SHAME:

a. That I have not been faithful in our relationship

b. That I have sexual fantasies.

c. That I am afraid to be alone.

d. That I am angry about something.

e. That I have made a mistake.

4. OUT OF FEAR:

a. That I have done something of which the other does not approve.

b. That I have made a mistake.

c. Most of those answers to the previous question.

5. TO AVOID BEING HURT:

a. The truth about what I do or need.

b. How much I really need the other.

c. My true feelings.

6. TO PRESERVE MY SELF-WORTH:

a. Any mistakes or weaknesses I might have.

b. Anything I might have done that might not be accepted by the other.

7. OUT OF PRIDE - EGO

a. How much I admire the other.

b. That the other is actually right and I am wrong.

c. To ask for forgiveness when I feel the need.

d. To admit weaknesses and fears.

8. OUT OF COMPETITIVENESS - ANTAGONISM

Much the same as the answers to the previous question.

9. OTHER

1. That I love you.

2. That I respect and admire you.

3. That you do many things very well.

4. That I am grateful for all that you have given me.

5. That I want you to be happy.

6. That you make me happy.

C. REASONS WHY I DO NOT EASILY EXPRESS THOSE POSITIVE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ARE:

1. It is not manly.

2. It might go to your head and you might start to think you are superior.

3. You might use them against me in a future argument.

4. I have not learned to do this.

5. I am preoccupied with my problems.

6. I feel competitive with you and thus want to be superior.

7. I try to show how I feel with my actions.

8. I sense you do not feel comfortable when I express positive feelings to you.

D. I NEED THE FOLLOWING FROM YOU:

1. To respect our agreements.

2. To express affection and provide affirmation.

3. To have a common line with the children.

4. To do things together once a week.

5. To Cooperate with the cleanliness and order in the home.

6. To express your feelings and needs.

7. To affirm your interest in me in spontaneous ways.

8. To respect our economic situation.

4. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO EMPOWERING YOU IN EVERY WAY AND HELPING YOU MANIFEST YOUR LATENT POTENTIAL.

3. HOW DO I FEEL WHEN THE OTHER IS LOOKING POWERFUL, STRONG, INDEPENDENT AND BEAUTIFUL?

1. I sometimes feel lessened.

2. I feel jealous.

3. My self-doubts are triggered.

4. I feel happy for the other and his or her success.

B. WHEN THE OTHER IS VERY HAPPY?

1. I feel happy for him or her.

2. I feel relaxed because he or she is okay.

3. I feel jealous.

4. I feel uncomfortable.

C. WHEN THE OTHER HAS ALL THE OTHERS’ ATTENTION?

1. I am fearful that no one will pay attention to me.

2. I feel jealous.

3. I am proud that someone associated with me is important to others.

4. I feel affirmed through association with the other.

5. I feel left out and ignored.

WHY?

1. I have doubts about my self-worth.

2. I fear that others will not pay attention to me.

3. I compare myself to the other because I believe that my self-worth is measured competitively in relationship to the other.

4. If the other is worthy or better, I am not.

5. I believe that my self-worth is dependent upon who I am with, and that if you are worthy, then I am too.

D. I ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT IN YOU THESE FOLLOWING POSITIVES TRAITS:

You are honest, caring, conscientious, capable with your hands, a good father (mother), responsible, talented, intelligent, moral, sincere, fun to be with, creative, resourceful, dedicated to what you do, and considerate of others needs and feelings.

E. I ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT IN YOU THE FOLLOWING TALENTS AND ABILITIES:

You cook well, keep a clean house, sing well, play a musical instrument, dance well, cultivate a thriving garden, communicate well with the children, and are very capable in your work. You are good at fixing the plumbing and the electrical appliances, and at numbers.

F. IN REGARD TO YOUR LIFE AND EVOLUTION, I WISH THE FOLLOWING FOR YOU:

I wish for you to be healthy, happy and in harmony with your environment. I wish for you steady growth, evolution and realization of your true Self.

G. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO SUPPORT YOU TO CONTINUE BLOSSOMING?

The other will answer this is his or her own way.

5. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO ACCEPTING 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE REALITY I CREATE THROUGH MY INTERPRETATIONS AND PROJECTIONS.

A. SITUATIONS IN WHICH I HAVE NOTICED THAT I SOMETIMES DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR CREATING MY REALITY, BUT RATHER BLAME OTHERS, OR WAIT FOR OTHERS TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS ARE?

1. When I make mistakes, I blame others.

2. When I am afraid, I try to blame others.

3. When I need to make decisions, I search for others to make them for me.

4. When I feel jealous, hurt, angry or bitter, I blame others.

5. When others behave negatively toward me, I place the blame on them.

6. When my health is unstable, I blame others.

7. In money matters, I do not function responsibly.

8. When I do not have what I want from life, I complain as if someone else is responsible for that.

B. HELP ME TO SEE IN WHICH OTHER SITUATIONS, OR WHICH RELATIONSHIP TO WHAT MATTERS, I MIGHT NOT BE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY REALITY.

The other will answer this question.

6. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING HAPPY WITH YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Some of the obstacles toward accepting happiness with the other for long periods of time might be:

1. Fear of the unknown - we are not used to it.

2. A subconscious belief that we are not worthy of happiness.

3. The programming that something negative will happen if we admit we are happy.

4. Fear of losing control or failing to appear serious or adult like.

5. Because we are in the role of the aloof or victim, happiness or the expression of enthusiasms would spoil our role.

A. I WOULD ENJOY DOING THE FOLLOWING MORE OFTEN IN ORDER TO SPEND MORE HAPPY TIME TOGETHER:

1. Having more physical, affectionate and sexual contact.

2. Enjoying non-sexual contact like massage.

3. Going to the movies more frequently.

4. Playing games together.

5. Walking in nature together.

6. Dancing and singing together

7. Looking into each other's eyes without needing to say anything.

B. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO IN ORDER TO ENJOY EACH OTHER AND LIFE MORE.

The other will answer this question.

7. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO LOVE YOU AND MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.

A. WHAT ARE MY OBSTACLES TO LOVING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY?

1. My programming from childhood years.

2. I have learned to measure my self-worth:

a. In comparison to others.

b. According to what others think about me.

c. According to my success or failure in what I try to do.

d. According to whether I am perfect or not.

e. According to whether I make any mistakes or not.

3. I have been programmed to believe I am a sinner and not worthy of love.

4. I do not have my parents’ approval.

B. WHAT ARE MY OBSTACLES TO LOVING OTHERS AS THEY ARE?

1. Lack of self-acceptance.

2. My fear of others:

a. They might reject me.

b. They might harm me.

c. They might limit my freedom.

d. They might hurt me emotionally.

8. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO FEEL AND SHARE MY EMOTIONS WITH YOU WITHOUT BLAMING YOU, AND TO BEING ABLE TO LISTEN TO YOUR EMOTIONS WITHOUT TAKING THEM PERSONALLY.

Our unpleasant emotions

might be:

Fear

Discouragement

Rejection

Anxiety

Humiliation

Hurt

Worry

Disillusionment

Insecurity

Abused

Anger

Hate

Depression

Frustration

Loneliness

Bitterness

Jealousy

Envy

Unworthiness

Rage

Self rejection

Self doubt

Shame

Injustice

Guilt

Shame

Pity

Our pleasant emotions could be:

Love

Happiness

Compassion

Understanding

Affection

Brotherhood

Unity

Security

Peacefulness

Courage

Encouragement

Joy

Patience

Gratitude

Acceptance

Fulfillment

Faith

Hope

Affirmation

Respect

Satisfaction

Pride

Esteem

Admiration

A. WHICH EMOTIONS DO I FIND MOST EASY TO EXPRESS?

1. Discontent - Bitterness

2. Anger

3. Hurt

4. Self-pity

B. WHICH EMOTIONS DO I FIND MOST DIFFICULT TO EXPRESS?

1. Fear

2. Anger

3. Sexual desire

4. Hurt

C. WHICH EMOTIONS DO I FIND EASY TO ACCEPT IN MY PARTNER (OR OTHER)?

1.Fear

2. Love

3. Admiration

D. WHICH EMOTIONS DO I FIND DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT IN MY PARTNER (OR OTHER)

1.Anger

2. Rejection

3. Self-pity

4. Sexuality

5. Fear

6. Bitterness

7. Joy.

E. DO I FIND THAT I EXPRESS SOME EMOTIONS DIFFERENTLY WHEN IN THE PRESENCE OF MY PARTNER (OR OTHER)? HOW?

1. I express joy more easily when my partner is not there.

2. I express more antagonism when he or she is present.

3. I express my bitterness more easily when he or she is not there.

F. I HAVE NOTICED THAT THE FOLLOWING OF MY EMOTIONAL REACTIONS ARE SIMILAR TO THOSE I OBSERVED IN OTHERS IN MY CHILDHOOD YEARS.

I find that I am still locked into whatever I feared, rejected, haven’t forgiven from those years.

9. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING SELF SUFFICIENT AND WHOLE UNTO MYSELF.

A. WHEN I THINK OF MYSELF AS BEING INDEPENDENT, I FEEL THE FOLLOWING EMOTIONS BECAUSE I HAVE THE FOLLOWING BELIEFS:

1. Alone and fearful because I believe I am not safe if I am alone.

2. Fear that I will not be able to cope with life’s responsibilities because I believe I am not capable of coping alone.

3. Fear that if I do not need the other, he or she will not pay any attention to me.

4. Fear that I may not be accepted in our social circles alone.

5. Free and happy because there will be no one to limit my freedom.

B. MY FAMILY PASSED ON TO ME THE FOLLOWING MESSAGES ABOUT BEING INDEPENDENT:

1. It is egotistical.

2. It is dangerous.

3. It is antisocial.

4. You must be independent in order to make it in the world.

C. UNTIL NOW I HAVE FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO BE INDEPENDENT IN RELATIONSHIP TO THE FOLLOWING:

1. Money matters

2. Facing life

3. Social activities

4. My self-worth and self-respect.

5. Loneliness

6. Dealing with my emotions

7. Making decisions

8. Other

D. I FIND MYSELF OCCASIONALLY AVOIDING FEELING INDEPENDENT BECAUSE:

1. I want your attention.

2. I fear being alone.

3. It is an unknown to me.

4. I do not want responsibilities.

5. I do not know how to fill my time.

E. I WANT TO FEEL INDEPENDENT FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

1. Only then can I be happy and free.

2. Only then can I love you without conditions.

3. I see that I burden you by being dependent on you.

4. Attachment and weakness are obstacles to love.

F. IN ORDER TO BE INDEPENDENT, I NEED TO:

1. Overcome my fears of responsibility, being alone, making decisions, and of failure.

2. Believe in myself.

3. Feel my self-worth

4. Feel God’s presence in my life.

5. Have trust in people, God and nature.

10. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS WITH YOU.

A. WHICH OF MY AGREEMENTS DO I HAVE DIFFICULT IN KEEPING?

1. TIME AND APPOINTMENTS:

a. Late for my appointments.

b. Late arriving from work.

c. Late in completing my responsibilities.

2. WORK AND RESPONSIBILITIES I HAVE ACCEPTED:

a. I do not do dishes as promised.

b. I neglect to take out garbage as agreed.

c. I forget to feed the dog.

d. I am late in paying the bills.

3. ETHICAL AGREEMENTS:

a. I have told some white lies to avoid conflicts.

b. I have not been faithful to my wife (husband).

4. MONEY MATTERS:

a. I spend more than agreed upon.

b. I hide money from the other.

5. ORDER AND CLEANLINESS:

a. I leave my clothing and objects around the house.

b. I forget to wipe my feet as I come into the house.

c. I neglect to do my share of cleaning.

OTHER _____________________________

1. I tend to be lazy.

2. I feel suppressed when I have to do things.

3. When I have negative feelings toward the other, I do not want to keep our agreements as a form of punishment toward him or her.

4. When the other pressures me, I react by not keeping our agreements.

5. When we are having a fight about who is right and who is wrong, I neglect my agreements purposely as a war tactic.

6. When I have been pressured to make an agreement I really do not want to accept, I do not keep it.

7. When my other needs come into conflict with our agreement.

C. WHICH BELIEFS OR EMOTIONS OBSTRUCT ME FROM KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS?

1. I am not free to do what I want when I am bound by agreements.

2. They are not important.

3. The other wants to limit me.

4. No one else keeps them.

5. It is no big thing if we do not keep them.

D. WHAT DO I PLAN TO DO FROM NOW ON IN ORDER TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE IN KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS?

1. Remember that freedom is being free to keep my agreements, or being free not to make agreements I do not want to keep.

2. Understand that I love the other and do not want to hurt or worry him or her.

3. Remember that I would not like the other to ignore agreements that are important to me.

11. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

(This subject has been discussed in other chapters and other books as already mentioned.) The main aspects of effective communication are:

a. Self-analysis and self-knowledge.

b. Taking 100 % responsibility for our reality, especially our emotions.

c. "Active Listening" or learning to listen to what others are saying, feeling and needing.

d. "I-messages" or learning how to express what we need, feel and believe to others without accusing, criticizing or demeaning the other.

e. To love and care for the other and to create an atmosphere of mutual love and respect.

12. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO CULTIVATING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Our relationship with the divine is much too large a subject to cover in this book. It has been discussed in detail in the books, Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation.

The main methods of developing that relationship are:

1. Participation in Liturgy (according to your beliefs).

2. Prayer and meditation.

3. Reading about the lives of saints and spiritual truths.

4. Providing service to those in need.

5. Accepting the Divine Will in our lives.

If you have not already answered the above questions for yourself, I suggest you do so now before moving on. We now present the same questionnaire without answers so you will not be confused by them.

CLARIFYING OUR CONSCIOUS COMMITMENTS

1. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING AS OPEN AND UNITED AS POSSIBLE TO YOU AND TO REMOVING FROM MYSELF ANYTHING THAT OBSTRUCTS THAT UNITY.

A. When do I find it difficult to feel close and open to the other?

2. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO PARTICIPATING FULLY IN MY PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION.

A. My obstacles toward being more committed and steadfast in my decisions for self-growth are: _____.

3. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO TELLING ALL THE TRUTH IN EVERY SITUATION.

A. Which truths (perceptions, actions, emotions, needs, desires) do I find difficult to express freely?

4. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO EMPOWERING YOU IN EVERY WAY AND HELPING YOU MANIFEST YOUR LATENT POTENTIAL.

A. How do I feel when you are looking powerful, strong, independent and beautiful?

5. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO ACCEPTING 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE REALITY I CREATE THROUGH MY INTERPRETATIONS AND PROJECTIONS.

A. Situations in which I have noticed that I sometimes do not take responsibility for creating my reality, but instead blame others, or wait for others to solve my problems are: _____________.

6. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING HAPPY WITH YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

A. I would enjoy doing the following more often in order to spend more happy time together: ________.

7. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO LOVE YOU AND MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.

A. What are my obstacles to loving myself unconditionally?

8. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO FEEL AND SHARE MY EMOTIONS WITH YOU WITHOUT BLAMING YOU, AND TO BEING ABLE TO LISTEN TO YOUR EMOTIONS WITHOUT TAKING THEM PERSONALLY.

A. Which emotions do I find most easy to express?

9. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING SELF SUFFICIENT AND WHOLE UNTO MYSELF.

A. When I think of myself as being independent, I feel the following emotions because I have the following beliefs: _____________.

10. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS WITH YOU.

A. Which of my agreements do I have difficult in keeping?

11. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY.

The questionnaires concerning this matter can be found in chapter 9.

12. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO CULTIVATING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. The questions concerning this can be found in your heart.

After answering the above questions, we can move on to the next smaller questionnaire which allows us to gather up our conclusions, and evaluate the essence of what we have found and what we would like to communicate with our partner.

If our partner prefers not to do this work, but accepts to hear what we have discovered, we can proceed alone and then explain to him or her what we have discovered.

We will not give sample answers here, as they are to be found in your answers to the previous questions.

CONCLUSIONS AND COMMUNICATION OF OUR DISCOVERIES

Imagine you are now communicating the results of your analysis with your partner and you are sharing with him or her the answers to the following:

1. Until now, I have found it difficult to be open and close to you when ___________________

3. _______________________because________________________________

4. _______________________because________________________________

5. _______________________because________________________________

6. _______________________because________________________________

7. _______________________because________________________________

8. _______________________because________________________________

I hope that this chapter was useful in clarifying and strengthening the conscious decisions that are the basis of a conscious love relationship.