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Opening to Love

Robert Elias Najemy

In order to love, accept and feel unity with loved ones and other important persons in our lives, we will need to overcome all inner obstacles. We might be talking here about love partners, children, parents, siblings or even friends or coworkers.

Before explaining this process, I would like to point out that we very likely will need to also engage in this same process towards loving and accepting ourselves if we are in order to succeed in loving others in this way. This is true because our greatest obstacle towards loving ourselves is our own self-doubt which allows others? behaviors and expressions stimulate our fears about our self-worth. We then lose our love towards them.

A. Discovering What We Need to Work on

1. Our first step is to realize when and in relationship to which behaviors we lose our feelings of love, acceptance and unity with others. Chose the first person you would like to be able to love more steadily and unconditionally.

2. Now, make a list of his or her behaviors, which annoy you or cause you to distance yourself, become defensive or close your heart.

Possible Annoying Behaviors

Here is a brief list of some common reasons we might feel anger towards someone:
1. When others do not agree with us.
2. When they do not understand us.
3. When they obstruct us from satisfying our needs. (A need could be psychological, such as the need for acceptance, respect or self-esteem)
4. When they do not respect us.
5. When they think they are superior.
6. When they try to control or suppress us.
7. When they criticize us.
8. When they tell lies or gossip about us.
9. When they harm us or someone close to us.
10. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives.
11. When they are negative, complaining, whining, criticizing etc.
12. When they think they know it all.
13. When they give us advice we have not asked for.
14. When they play the role of the victim, the "poor me," and want attention.
15. When they do not take care of themselves or carry their share of the load.
16. When they make mistakes.
17. When they do not keep their promises or appointments.
18. When they are weak and dependent.
19. When they act in an egotistical and selfish ways, disregarding our or others? needs
20. When they use us or others.
21. When they are cold and insensitive.
22. When they are not responsible to their word or responsibilities.
23. When they are lazy.
24. When they ignore our needs.
25. When they reject us.
Other reasons____________________________

B. Also, consider the following possible obstacles towards remaining open and loving:

1. We feel vulnerable and are afraid of being hurt if we are open and loving and prefer to keep an emotional distance,
2. We do not want to give the other the idea that he or she can do whatever he or she likes with us.
3. We would like them first to ask for forgiveness or at least realize their mistakes.
4. We fear we will lose control over them by letting them be too relaxed with us.
5. We want to place the blame for our dissatisfaction with ourselves or our lives on someone else who is "responsible".
6. We falsely believe that love requires that we must let this person do whatever he or she wants ? regardless of ethics or justice ? and that this would be totally unacceptable.
7. We have identified with the role of the victim and need to feel hurt and abused.
8. We are in the role of the interrogator and need to find others? faults.
9. We are afraid of intimacy because we fear:
a. Being abandoned
b. Being suppressed
c. Being hurt
10. We are afraid of expressing love, because we fear that there will not be the adequate response from the other and we will feel rejected.
11. We cannot believe that the other could possibly love us.
12. We have been seriously hurt by this person and cannot overcome this bitterness.
Other ___________________________

Note: Loving does not mean that we are obliged to allow others to do whatever they want, even it is unjust or unethical. We can feel unlimited love for them while we also assertively confront them concerning such behaviors. This is actually for their own good, as evolving souls. This is also important for us and our society as a whole.
This should be done steadfastly but also with as much love and understanding as possible

Having made a list of the other?s behaviors, which cause you to close up, now chose the one want to first work on.

C. Having chosen which person and behavior we want to be able to continue to be loving towards, we can employ a number of possible methods such as:

1. Analyzing what we believe which causes us to lose our love when they behave in this was and transform that belief.
2. Discovering our childhood experiences, which have conditioned us to feel that way and transform our childhood interpretation of those experiences. (For this we might find professional help through regressions, rebirthing, EMDR, TFT and EFT.)
3. We can use positive affirmations, which will allow us to love the other even when he or she is behaving in that way.
4. We can realize that basically we lose our love when we fear and overcome that fear. (Some possible fears are mentioned below)
5. We can keep a high level of energy by eating healthily, exercising and / or dancing regularly, as well as by regular breathing exercises.
6. Sincere spiritual or religious faith can help overcome most negative emotions and remain loving in many situations.
7. We can remember all of the mistakes we have made and understand the other?s weaknesses.
8. We can take responsibility as souls in evolution for the reality we are creating.
9. We can correct the disturbed energy field, which is creating these feelings. This is possible through new methods of "Energy Psychology" based on Dr. Callahan?s Thought Field Therapy. (A simplified version can be found at http://www.emofree.com) (Once you learn how to perform the technique you can learn to employ it towards various goals at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/eft/index.asp

Some helpful Affirmations might be the following. You will notice that the affirmations first seek to allow us to understand, accept and love ourselves exactly as we are with our negative emotions and then declare our choice to be free from them. We might need to work with various aspects in order to get totally free.

While working on forgiveness we might need to work various aspects such as:

Working on the Main Emotion or Belief

I. Emotions which we have because or when the other behaves in this way.

A. Even though I feel (emotion) _______ when / because _____ (name of person) _____________ (behavior which bothers us) ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

These emotions will likely change and we will need to work with each emotion as it surfaces. Note especially that we usually feel anger and hate because we first feel fear, hurt, pain, guilt, shame, self-rejection or injustice. So we will likely need to address these in order to get free from our anger.

Working on Other Aspects

While working on opening up to love we might need to work various aspects such as:

II. Emotions we have about the fact that we have these negative emotions towards the other and are not as loving as we would like to be.

A. Even though I feel some guilt (shame, self-rejection, self-doubt) because I have not yet been able to love _____________ even when / though (behavior)___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

In other word we want to love ourselves even though we are not as loving as we would like to be. Our experience is that accepting ourselves as we are is a prerequisite for moving forward and improving ourselves.

III. Resistance towards forgiving

Some variation of the following phrases will be appropriate.

A. Even though I feel (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ even when / though (his or her behavior) ______ I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

IV. Childhood experiences similar to this event which make us more susceptible

A. Even though I feel (emotion) ____________ concerning what(name of person) _____ did ________(in Childhood), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

If we care for our bodies and minds, they will care for us.

Be Well

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***** Reference Box for Publishers *****
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(Robert Elias Najemy's recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/holisticharmo-20
and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html .
His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)
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