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Be sure that your purchase number and the title of the ebook is mentioned in the email. We will then send you an email with the pdf file of the book as an attachment. This should arrive within 24 hours. We are sure that this book will be extremely interesting and beneficial for you as it has been for many thousands of others. Only $ 10 U.S. - Why so cheap? All of these ebooks are full of vital information, concepts, guidelines, examples, techniques and helpful hints. Robert has purposely asked that they be sold for prices that all can afford so that all can benefit from them. To order, now click on the link below to be taken to clickbank Conveniently Purchase the ebook "Saram The Adventures of a Soul " through ClickBank Return to list of books You will enjoy this story and its message. You will learn so much about yourself PERSONA RECONCILIATION After many incarnations in the planet Earth, the immortal being Saram, incarnates on the planet Alithea in order to resolve his inner conflicts. We follow his evolutionary process through his various incarnations and childhood experiences witnessing each persona as it develops and manifests as part of his personality complex. " Actually it is the same on the earth, but they have simply not understood this very fine point. They think that they are one person. But this person they think they are has no consistency. It is so incongruent. "They want to do something, but they also do not want to do the same thing. "They make a promise and then they do not keep it. "They love something and hate it also. "They need something and fear it at the same time. "They are so confused and discrepant, and yet they have not realized that their personalities have split and that they are many beings living in the same body." No persona ever dies completely until it is destroyed in the great fire of truth by the intense energy created by the awakening of the central being. Then the central being, free from identification with the personas, acts spontaneously through each persona without, however, being controlled by them. Through this book, discover how your inner personas develop and interact. Discover the dynamics of "interpersonic" relationships and how they might be resolved. It is a great gift to yourself and for your friends and family. We are presenting you here the: 1. Introduction 2. Sample Chapters from this book 3. Table of Contents So that you can decide whether you are interested in purchasing it. When you are ready hit your back button and order. Return to list of books Click below to be taken directly to the samples: v Sample Conflicts which you might have v Introduction v The Most Painful Moment in his Life v The Great Disillusionment v Ran's Relationships v Ran calls a Conference of all Personas v What you can do about inner conflicts v Table of Contents ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOME SAMPLE CONFLICTS Let us look at some examples of the inner conflicts that may disturb our peace and which are dealt with in this book. 1. One part of ourselves may feel he need to spend more time on our professional life while another part, may believe that we should be spending more time with our family. 2. On the one hand, a part of our selves may want to open up to a conscious love relationship, while another part fears being abandoned or hurt, suppressed, manipulated, or not being able to say no. 3. One part of ourselves may want to give those around us (children, spouse, friends) total freedom to pursue their happiness in their own ways, and another part may fear losing control. 4. The part of ourselves which wants to please others, may come into direct conflict with our own needs. 5. We may on the one hand want others to support us, but on the other feel that they restrict us with their support or advice. 6. One part of our selves may want spiritual growth, while another may feel the need for material security. 7. We may on the one hand want to help a loved one or friend, but on the other, feel that perhaps we are doing them harm by bailing them out continuously and not letting them solve their own problems. 8. One part of our selves may feel a need to protect the planet through a simple life with very little consumption of energy and products, while another part may want to enjoy all the comforts of an energy consuming, pollution producing life style. 9. We may on the one hand want to take a job, or leave a job that we have, while another part of our selves wants the opposite for different reasons. `10. One part of ourselves may believe in cooperating with others, while another finds it difficult. 11. We may have a desire for various objects or situations as a source of pleasure. Another part of ourselves may feel, however, that this is a sin, or that we are not spiritual if we partake in such pleasures. Or it may feel that this type of pleasure seeking is a waste of time and energy considering our spiritual goals. Thus these two aspects of our own being conflict. 12. One part of ourselves may feel the need to have an exclusive relationship, in which our happiness and security depend on another person (usually a mate). Another part of ourselves may find this an obstacle towards its need for independence, self-dependence, and freedom. 13. Similarly there may be a conflict between the need for personal love and the need to develop universal love. 14. The need to forgive may conflict with the need to hold on to negative feelings towards someone. 15. The need to employ various disciplines may conflict with the need to feel free to do what we want when we want to. 16. The need to follow our inner voice in some cases conflicts with the need to be like the others and be accepted by them. 17. The need to express our feelings as they are can conflict with our need not to hurt anyone. 18. The need to express our real feelings and thoughts might clash with our need to have the acceptance of those around us. 19. The need to follow a spiritual guide might conflict with the need to rebel against all types of advice or control. 20. The need to control persons and situations in order to feel secure and the need to let things flow and allow others to act freely. 21. Our need to never show weakness can come into conflict with our need to share our weaknesses with others. 22. One part may need not to ask anything from others while another may need to have their help and support. 23. A part of us might need a stable routine for our balance and growth while another might need variety and change. 24. A part of us needs to play our familiar emotional relationship games while another part wants to get free from them. 25. One part of us wants to face and overcome our fears and blockages while another prefers to avoid them and hide from them. There are certainly conflicts which we haven?t mentioned, but most will fall into these categories. At the end of the book you will find two chapters concerning how we can discover, analyze and reconcile our personas or subpersonalities. Some readers may want to first read those chapters and then the story. In this way they would have a deeper psychological understanding of how the hero?s subconscious is developing. Other readers may prefer to read those chapters after reading the story. May you be well. To Index ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INTRODUCTION I hope that this book will in an entertaining way give each reader insight into the functionings of his own mind, and will help him in the process of inner reconciliation allowing him or her to become one. Each of us has parts of our personalities which we need to meet, understand, accept and reconcile. In response to early childhood experiences we develop various inner emotional responses in an effort to maintain a feeling of security, self worth, personal freedom and self-expression. These, then, grow in their own separate ways, manifesting as parts of our personality, which have their own personal beliefs, logic and identity. We can call these roles, personas, or subpersonalities. Each persona has it own core belief which creates and sustains its existence in our larger identity. This core belief will have something to do with the need for security, pleasure, affirmation or freedom, or in a few special cases, other less common needs such as the need to be useful, or for salvation or enlightenment. In some cases, the basic needs may be distorted and in conflict with survival or growth, such as the need to harm ourselves or others We are often not aware of the dynamics of these subpersonalities which develop gradually within us as we seek to cope with a world full of insecurities and simultaneously our own differing needs. The wide variety of our needs from the basic needs to survive and have safety, to the needs for love, growth and expression cause different parts of ourselves to sometimes come into conflict concerning what to do on certain situations, how to spend our time or how to live our lives. The subject of how these personalities develop and sometimes conflict is covered on chapters 24 and 25. I believe, however, that it will be useful here to reprint the same list of possible conflicts that you will find again in chapter 24, so that you can have in mind the types of conflicts we are talking about, because, surely you will have at least one, if not many of them. To Index ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRELUDE THE MOST PAINFUL MOMENT IN HIS LIFE THE CIRCLE OF JUDGMENT Ran?s heart was pounding. He was in pain. He had never felt worse in his life. He sat humbled and shamed before the thirty people he loved most. He knew these faces so well. He had counseled them innumerable times. Until now, they had respected and loved him. Until now, they had been so grateful for all that he offered them. He had, in a few short hours, been transformed in their minds from their beloved friend, guide and teacher to their disgraced, betraying, two-faced enemy. Their faces now displayed none of that love or gratitude. They showed a wide variety of emotions ranging from pain and confusion to hate, but also including betrayal, despite, hurt and perhaps relief that he was not perfect. No, he was not perfect. He never said he was. They wanted him to be. He tried to be so for them and for himself. He believed that being perfect was a prerequisite to being loved and accepted. He wished he could turn the clock back just one day and change what had happened. He had done what he had taught that one should never do. He had created a double relationship. He loved two women simultaneously. Although married, he was seeing another woman. He had not yet consummated the act of love with her, but their erotic play amounted to the same. Now he sat before his wife and closest friends many of whom considered him their teacher, as they waited for some explanation as to how he had done this, how he had failed to live up to his own values and teachings. He began to read to them his apology written an hour earlier. He was afraid perhaps that, in the waves of emotion, he would forget something he wanted to say. One line phrases rushed through his mind; incongruent and often not clearly connected. THE CONFESSION " My head is spinning. "So many feelings flood my mind simultaneously. "I feel hurt and misunderstood. "I feel sad and guilty towards all those whom I have caused to become disillusioned with the spiritual path. "I feel weak and helpless against the forces of my subconscious mind. "I feel horrible for the pain I have created for my wife Issabella, and for so many others. ""Yet, I feel love for all who come to my mind. I feel love as my broken heart opens. "At last, I am humbled. Finally, comes my release from the role of the teacher, and my need to be perfect, not for myself but for others. " It was as if a part of me had gone crazy, and proceeded towards total destruction of all that I had created. "It is as if I had decided to destroy it all, as if God has planned this moment... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? It was now time for him to leave everything which he loved so much. Everything he had spent 18 years creating. How did Ran end up this way after so many years of effort? How could he make such a catastrophic mistake? What were these contradictory and conflicting forces working within him? How had he become so spilt within himself - two persons living in one body? The answer lies in the fact that Ran is not one person, but rather a composite of many "personas" living in the same body. Each persona or sub-personality has developed throughout the thousands of years as his character evolved from one life to another. In the process of evolution, we develop various roles or personas which gradually begin to separate themselves from our control and develop along their own lines. These personas separated themselves from Ran?s central identity, functioning through separate, and often, conflicting roles such as the child, the parent, the teacher, the victim, the unworthy one etc. We might liken this to our believing ourselves to be separate from God and develop various characteristics which are foreign to and temporarily independent of their central Divine Self. Disconnected from our central nature we conflict with each other. These same conflicts were occurring within Ran, as his subpersonalities had different needs, values and beliefs and were struggling for control or his time, energy and life style. Each persona, at some point in our character?s evolution, seeks to separate itself from the central soul Self, becoming egocentric in an attempt to satisfy its own needs regardless of the needs of the other personas or the central spiritual Self. A prerequisite to wholeness is to discover these personas and unite them, enabling them to live in harmony rather than in conflict with each other and with the soul. This is the purpose of spiritual life. Externally then mankind's further evolution would manifest as the process of unifying all men and women, as they became united under their one collective spiritual Self, God. This unification process eventually would encompass all beings including animals, plants and insects as well as the elements of nature. Our life purpose is to move towards unification. First, however, we pass through the awareness of separateness, of our separate identity, and then we evolve to the conscious choice of unity through acceptance and love. This unification process, obviously a necessity on an external level, must now be equally applied to our internal conflicts between personas. RAN?S EVOLUTION Let us follow then the evolution of Saram?s (Ran?s soul?s name) personas throughout his lifetimes on planet Earth culminating in his incarnation as Ran on the planet Alithea, a dimension of the universe in which the personas and their inner dialogues become even more distinct. Let us begin. To Index ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER FOUR THE GREAT DISILLUSIONMENT A MEANINGLESS WORLD Ran, the successful college graduate working for a successful international company, living as a successful manager-potential member of society, was watching TV. He had money, a car , an apartment with a pool, and a steady relationship. He had every thing society said he needed to have in order to be happy and yet he was not. He was free to do what he wanted, but he did not know what he wanted. He was not happy. His life had no meaning. He had rejected religion in order to find the truth about the universe through science. In science, however, he had found no meaningful answers. On the TV, the news broadcasters presented one horror after another. The news might as well have been a documentary on Man?s irrational harming of himself and others without reason, or Man?s injustice to man, or Man?s insane self-destruction, or simply, Man?s Insanity. These insane events of man?s violence to others and nature repeatedly presented on TV triggered a rush of powerfully emotional thoughts. He thought, "Why live? Why go to work? Why do anything? Why be a good person? Why be abide by the law? Since there was no God, no after life, nothing but this material existence which might last from two to eighty years; why not end it now? I do not want to live in this world, if this is all it has to offer. I do not want live in an irrational world without meaning. I prefer to commit suicide." He had come to a dead end. He did not want to live anymore. He had never felt so lonely and misunderstood. The Poor Unloved Child persona had full control over his mind-space, especially after his father?s visit last week. There was nothing on which they could agree. The Righteous Rebel found all of his father?s beliefs and perspectives totally unacceptable. After leaving his father off at the airport, he was filled with deep loneliness and sorrow. His father did not understand him. No one would ever understand him. As he drove, he thought, " I was born alone. I will die alone. In all my life there will never be anyone who will be able to understand me totally or love me exactly as I am. Each will perceive things somewhat differently than I do. No one will ever be able to experience or perceive things exactly as I do. I am alone, and always will be. I will always be alone!" These thoughts created a general panic of all of his personas. Each persona, in his or her own way, wanted to be loved, to be accepted, or at least to be understood. Realizing that this was impossible, created a group persona panic. He felt horrible, as if he had fallen into a deep dark abyss, with no light, no hope of getting out. After about ten minutes, a voice, which did not belong to any of the presently known personas, suddenly proposed a rather radical, and until then unthought of, possibility. "Why don?t you just accept that." Silence....! "What did he say, they chorused in unison, accept that we will never be understood, never totally loved and approved of as we are? Accept that we will always be alone?" "Yes", that is what he said (and they knew not even who he was nor where he had come from), "accept it! " It was such a simple solution to such an insolvable problem. Peace ensued. "Okay, let?s just live with that fact", was the group response. It was one of the few times they agreed. In general, they agreed only when there was no other choice, when the external forces were too overwhelming to allow any other possibility than unity, or as in this case, submission. This same phenomenon was also true on a national level. Many of the countries on Alithea and Earth experience continual inner conflict until external threats force them to unite. Then when the danger has passed, they once again resume inner conflict. Peace, however, had been declared on this issue only; of never being understood, and of accepting that there would never be anyone who would love unconditionally all of his personas.. Many years later realized that this was a natural reflection of the fact that his personas themselves did not accept and love each other unconditionally. However at this age, he had not yet realized that these personas existed. He was still like those on the Earth who believe that as personalities, they are individuals. ALTERING PERCEPTION This inner turmoil caused him to seek an illusory, externally induced peace by drinking various Alithean "time-drinks". The Alitheans had realized that desire, when experienced in our normal sense of time, created anxiety as the desire was slow in being fulfilled. As they were unable to remove desire, they tried to find ways to stop time. When their sense of time stopped, desire and anxiety became greatly diminished. He would imbibe these drinks upon arriving home after work. His mind would cease racing into the past and future and would focus in the present. He would become totally absorbed in listening to music or drawing various designs which would spontaneously flow through his hands on to the paper without his mind participating. He became the witness who would watch in wonder the various patterns of colors or notes which were passing before it. These time-altered states reminded him of those days as a youth sitting in the forest or by the lake, just watching and wondering, just soaking up the unutterable wisdom which was manifest in all of the forms which surrounded him. Another activity which stopped time and reduced anxiety was his program of exercises which he enjoyed every evening. He had bought a book about Yoga exercises. He would sit in this various positions for long periods of time, feeling the energies moving and rearranging themselves in his psycho-energetic system. He enjoyed those moments. Despite his deep loneliness, he was in this way developing a relationship with himself, listening to music, exercising and drawing. These drinks, however, were obviously not the solution to his problem. On the one hand, they opened his overly analytical scientific mind and unfeeling brain to deeper sensual and emotional experiences. But they also numbed his mental clarity and weakened his will power. He realized that his mind was becoming clouded. He was losing his ability to discriminate, to make simple decisions, as all seemed vague and meaningless. He had no point of reference, no absolutes upon which to base his decisions or choices. ATTEMPTING SUICIDE Then one day he could not bear his office anymore. It had become a prison. The Rebel persona had become claustrophobic. The Rebel wanted out of this suffocating position, out of this sleeping society which lived a meaningless existence. Most others around him had either put their Rebel persona in perspective by this age or had become anarchists or dropouts. His other personas would not allow the latter two options. The Good Obedient Child, and the Poor Unloved Child, who wanted to be loved, would not allow him to drop out of society and be so radically different. Thus he was left with only one solution: suicide. Although it was only twelve noon, he left his office and drove in random directions, without destination. As the main roads turned into country roads, he moved on in semi-trance, with thousands of "dead end" thoughts; thoughts which leave no way out, no solutions; a river of thoughts in a frozen mind. He drove totally unconsciously. Then his right foot pressed on the breaks. He got out of the car. He sat down on the earth covered with wild grass. As he raised his head to see where he was, there was a lake a few meters in front of him. He stared. He stared as he did when he was a young boy watching the creatures of nature. The fish, frogs, snakes, turtles, tadpoles, ants, bees, plants bursting forth from the ground, the leaves high above playing with the sunlight, the ripple patterns on the water and the air massaging his face. The Wonderer persona began to stir from its slumber. As time passed the Wonderer awakened all the more as the Rebel began to subside, defeated by the no win possibilities of his thought processes. The Wonderer had no thoughts, just silence and an empty watching. Then a snake appeared in front of him. He had not noticed it approaching. The snake was a few feet in front of him, between him and the lake. He was too tired to react. No persona was active enough at this point to react in any way. He looked with childlike wonder, even with love. There was a strange sense of meeting an old friend he had not seen for many years. He remembered how he used to play intimately with snakes as a child allowing them to slither around his neck and arms to impress the other children. He loved all such creatures which he found in the forest, and felt very comfortable with them. Ran and the snake stared at each other for about ten minutes. Neither moved. Ran?s mind was empty. All personas were on temporary hold. The snake disconnected from this visual lock and continued on his way disappearing as mystically as he appeared. Ran was changed. His mind still empty, there was a sliver of hope in his cloud of desperation. He had no idea what this hope might be. This was not a thought, but a positive thoughtless condition. He was being guided now. He drove with determination, without knowing where he was going or why. He was at peace with himself, without knowing why. He drove into town, parked his car at a bookstore, walked in, went directly to a shelf, picked up a title by an author of which he had never heard, paid for it, got in the car, drove home, lay down on his bed and started reading. He was not reading a book. He was not reading and comprehending someone else?s thoughts. He was connecting with deeply buried truths which had not yet been revealed in this life, but which were so apparent when uncovered that he was amazed at how they had remained buried within him all these twenty one years. As he read, he realized that he had been living an illusion for so many years, that there is much more to life than he had realized, than society in general had realized. He did not know yet what it was, but he now sensed life was more than working eight hours, coming home to the family, eating, drinking and watching the TV for eighty years and then dying; and that was it. He knew now that there was more, but didn't know what it was. He put the book down and gazed at the ceiling. There was a pause in his mind-space. He just looked without thinking. Then that nonpersona voice, which spoke to him in the car telling him to accept, appeared again, now saying, "You don?t have to spend your life doing what you spent so much time training to do." It was as if he had been struck by lightening. He had never thought of this possibility. He had even chosen suicide, because such a possibility had never even passed through his mind. He didn?t have to stay in this profession if it did not interest him. Some personas reacted weakly, "Not be the scientist I was trained to be, which I spent so much money to become, and for which I still owe so much for the loans which I had taken?" But these reactions were weak and without real support from any persona. How they could all agree to such a radical change in life style was unexplainable. This unknown voice, although it spoke quite infrequently and usually in moments of crisis, had a peculiar control over them all. It was as if this powerfully wise voice, which had the answers all along, would allow the personas to learn through their often-unsuccessful attempts to cope with their survival and growth needs together as a group, and then would intervene only when there was no other solution. Now that they were ready to commit suicide, it spoke and receded. HIS RESIGNATION The next day Ran handed in his resignation. He had no answers for his superiors as to why. No, he did not want a higher position, nor an increase in salary nor a transfer to another location. No, he had no complaints. No, he had no idea what he was going to do. HIS LAST FISHING TRIP Before leaving, he went on a fishing trip with a friend. The object was not so much to catch fish, but to experience nature. A fish did however attach itself to his hook. He pulled it in. He removed the hook from its mouth and held it in his hands studying it. The fish looked directly into his eyes opening and closing its mouth as if pleading to be allowed to live. Although as a child, he had brought many fish to their end, he was somehow shocked by what he was about to do. He threw the fish into the water and never ate fish again for the rest of that incarnation. To Index ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER SEVEN RAN?S RELATIONSHIPS MAKING LOVE Ran and Sonna were making love. They were looking directly into each other eyes, moving slowly, rhythmically, consciously, lovingly. They were offering immense joy to each other. They felt their separate existences melting away. Their faces were glowing with joy, love and unity. Each experienced the other?s divinity and beauty at that moment. It was not always like this for Ran. He had few such moments in his life. Not all his personas were in agreement with the matter of sexual union. Some felt it to be something evil, sinful. Others felt that it was waste of time and energy, which could be better placed elsewhere. The Poor Unloved Boy needed this contact not for the sexual act, but because of the affection that he received and gave. The Playful Prankster and the Rebel often experienced erotic play (not necessarily the sexual act itself) as an expression of freedom. They felt freedom in doing "what they were not supposed to do". The Loving Friend enjoyed these opportunities to express love and affection. The Joyful Creator took this opportunity to be creative in this playful atmosphere. The Fascinated Wonderer admired the opposite sex, as it admired the other creations of Nature, the flowers, and the sea. The Macho Man needed to prove his manliness by making the woman loose control and become ecstatic. On the other hand the Holy-Pure-Monk, the Savior-Teacher, the Seeker of Enlightenment, the Bad Unworthy Child, the Disciplined Meditator , the Righteous Critic, each for his own reasons did not like losing time in this "lower", "evil" , "energy wasting" or "non- spiritual" activity. These two opposing groups of personas conflicted frequently on this subject. Finally the Body Maintainer got the final word as he reported that the energy level was too low after orgasm, and thus sexual activity was gradually phased out as the years passed. This all happened, however, before some group personas were ready. After 18 years of almost no erotic contact, this group of personas broke to the surface and demanded that their needs be recognized. IN THE MOUNTAINS One night while camping with Sonna in the mountains of Moor, they walked down by the river. They talked for a while, embraced and then made love. But there was something strange about the orgasm which they felt. It was physical but not emotional, not spiritual. They discussed this and could not explain it. Meanwhile, Ran had spent the whole day engaged in his Fascinated Wonderer persona, observing all of God?s creatures along the river which flowed down between the two mountains. For hours he remained fascinated by the various tiny life forms in and around the river. At one point he saw a pure white butterfly posed on an equally white laurel flower. He approached. It did not fly away. He reached out and dared to gently touch it. It fell to the ground, exposing a pure white spider, which was living in that white flower, eating that white butterfly. His mind was full of such images from the day?s walk. Later, while sitting on opposite sides of the fire, Sonna and Ran began silently looking into each others eyes. It was not something which they decided to do. It happened spontaneously. As they looked more and more deeply into each other?s eyes, they began communicating without words. They began to feel rushes of energy flowing up through them. They then had that previously missing emotional - spiritual orgasm sitting there a few meters apart, looking into each others eyes. They experienced unity, oneness. Ran closed his eyes, and began to travel up into the universe, into space. He began to experience that he was one with all, with the flowers, the insects, the spiders, the sun, the earth, all Alitheans, the Earthlings, all beings. As he was experiencing this expansion of his personal self, he suddenly feared that his personal existence was ready to disappear altogether. He feared nonexistence. If he went further he would stop existing as he knew himself. He fell back on the ground shivering. He was not ready. He was not ready to move into such an unfamiliar existence, with no identity, no separate existence. Sonna came over and held him as he shivered in fear. A hot tea boiled on the campfire gradually brought him to. There were times later in his life where he regretted that he did not have the faith to stay with the experience and let go. SHARING Sonna taught Ran another lesson in love some weeks later. A female friend of theirs was visiting. She was unhappy, feeling unloved and lonely. After drinking herb tea they were sitting on the bed sharing feelings and ideals. At some point Sonna managed to arrange for all of them to be lying down on the bed and pushed Ran over to her friend. Sonna was sharing him with her friend at this time of need. Not that this was the solution to her friend?s problem. They never discussed what happened that night, nor did it ever repeat itself. But Ran always respected Sonna for her selflessness and maturity that night, in trying in some way to express her love to their friend who was lonely. Twenty years later, Ran saw their friend appear on a daily basis as a well-known successful newscaster for a major international broadcasting company. He seldom had time to watch TV, but when occasionally he did, he was reminded of that evening of Sonna?s selflessness. HIS PARENTS OR SONNA? During their year in Moor, Ran taught at the Junior High School he attended as an adolescent. Sonna worked as a model and sold her paintings. Arand, now four, went to a day care center. Ran?s main lesson that year was to accept being unable to lessen his parents? pain and shame that he was in a relationship with a black woman. They had brought him up to see all beings equal. But now that he had brought this black woman to live with them, they suffered deeply. They were afraid of what repercussions it might have on his father?s position in the community. His father by now had been appointed President of the Aland University in Moor. He was a very respected member of society; and remained so. No one thought less of him because his son was dating a black woman. Ran experienced the pain of seeing his parents cry in front of him, without being able to do anything about it. Some personas occasionally felt responsible for his parents? pain, but he had been analyzing himself enough to realize that we each create our own pain through our beliefs and interpretations. He wanted to remove their pain. But they were in pain because he loved someone whom they did not accept on a racial basis. Was it right to stop loving to comply with another?s prejudice? He was caught between two worlds. Sonna was angry that he did not reject his parents. His parents were angry that he was with Sonna. He explained as well as he could to all of them, but none of them was not in a position to listen. This situation became a point of reference for Ran for the rest of his life. He saw that it was important to be able to do what one believes is right even when others around him create suffering for themselves through that. This was not always easy or possible, but it was one of the lessons he needed to learn. His Bad Unworthy Child and Responsible for Everyone personas, always perceived that they were to blame for other people?s dissatisfaction. They easily felt guilty for others? unhappiness. The Seeker of Truth and Universal Philosopher personas were able, however, to perceive the truth, that his loving Sonna was not the cause of his parents pain, and also, that his not rejecting his parents was not the cause of Sonna?s pain. He also was able to perceive that their anger at him was not the cause of his pain. He managed to take responsibility for his reality and let the others do the same. Eventually Ran thought that the best solution would be for Sonna to return to Aland and for him to continue on to Bharat, a country even further east than Moor. He hoped there to get help with his spiritual effort. Bharat was materially impoverished but spiritually rich. Sonna returned to Aland with Arand, and Ran prepared for Bharat. But as he received letters from Sonna, he began to miss her, and decided to return to be with her again in Aland. DYING One evening before leaving for Aland, Ran was lying on the roof of the apartment building. He was doing a deep relaxation. He withdrew deeper and deeper into himself, until his breath stopped. There was a total sensation of activity in his being. No thoughts, no breath, no heartbeat that he could be aware of. He thought, "I am dying". Most personas panicked. In seconds all that he was about to loose through dying passed through his mind. His family, friends, activities, plans, the planet Alithea itself. Then that nonpersona voice, or perhaps it was the Child of the Universe, whispered, "Accept it." These simple, and yet so powerful words, again changed the nature of his reality. He experienced bliss. The bliss of "being" rather than of trying or becoming. The bliss of existence. It lasted only minutes before he started to return to his normal waking state. The experience was short lived, but became a frame of reference for how he could eventually feel and for what his true self was like. It repeated itself a few more times through out the years, giving him courage to continue his search for his Real Self. RAN, A CONFUSING PARTNER Ran was not easy to be with in a relationship. Sonna suffered from his ever-changing flow of personas. One moment the Playful Prankster would be joyfully playing and the next the Unemotional Stoic would remind her and him that they must not become dependent on each other. That they must be independent. He had a mania with independence and feared being restricted in a relationship from his very first relationships, even at the age of fifteen,. The Poor Unloved Boy wanted to be in a relationship to give and take. The Fascinated Wonderer wanted someone to share his wonder. The Joyful Creator found inspiration in the right balance of playful loving contact and time alone to create. The Loving Friend enjoyed caring for another person, supporting him or her physically, emotionally, spiritually. The Cooperating Server saw his spouse as a being to serve and connect with in an efficient and mutually productive way. However, the other camp of personas made him move away. This was confusing for Sonna and every other unfortunate woman who came into his life. He loved them and wanted them to be happy, but he always gradually became more distant. The Holy-Pure-Monk made for rather dull company, there were so many joys forbidden for him. The Unemotional Stoic was not allowed to express his love and enthusiasm overtly. His actions would give hints of his affection, but seldom his words. Ran would go camping by himself frequently. He would listen to music with headphones and read when they had visitors. He was becoming increasing antisocial. He would prefer to read or be alone than engage in what he considered "superficial conversation." He would travel up to the mountains alone and sit and look out below for hours. He would pray, meditate, or chant and sing. The villagers must had taken him for a madman. He would sit immobile for hours as he passed through various inner states. He was a loner in a relationship. The Bad Unworthy Child occasionally feared that he was not good, not loved, that his partner would seek someone better than him. The Savior Teacher believed that a relationship was possible only if it served the overall goal of helping others. For that reason after at the age of 28, all of his relationships were with persons who would share the work with him. The Seeker of Enlightenment was imprisoned in a prototype of enlightenment for bachelors only and thus was totally against having relationships. The Bad Unworthy Boy, on the other hand, experienced every expression of displeasure or unhappiness on the other?s part to be "his fault", and became hurt and defensive. Of course, throughout the years each of these personas grew more mature. They learned mostly through suffering. Although they had ample opportunities to learn through teachings and techniques, both of which they employed as much as possible, their final and lasting lessons were learned by making mistakes and suffering. He had a knack for wanting what he didn?t have and then not wanting it when he had it. This was because one set of personas would want it and, once he had manifested it, the other set felt guilty, bored or trapped, or some persona would have some other complaint. So you can see why it was difficult for any Alithean to come very close to him, let alone live with him. From afar he seemed the perfect mate. All those traits which appeared from afar were true, but there were also other aspects which were not visible from afar. Eventually, through his mistakes, he learned much and with the "spiritual personas" much humbled, he might become a suitable loving mate, for a woman who would have the patience to live with a rather widely mixed group of personas. EXCLUSIVITY AND PAIN After moving back to Aland, Ran and Sonna decided that they each needed space. As they were having frequent arguments and conflicts, they agreed that each would have his own room and that they would be free to have other relationships simultaneously. This idea was very appealing to Ran intellectually. He believed that real love had nothing to do with limiting the other, or bargaining for the exclusivity of his love. He was ready intellectually, but not emotionally. After a few weeks Sonna brought her first male friend home and entertained him in her room, which was adjacent to Ran?s. When he saw and heard them, he felt a tightening in his solar plexus, a knot in his throat, together with intense emotional pain. He immediately regressed to the Poor Unloved Child who was not loved, not cared for, and misunderstood. He was in deep emotional pain. The Bad Unworthy Child was resurrected again as he had invested his self worth in the other?s attention, especially his relationship partners. He believed that if someone so close to him didn?t recognize his worthiness to be loved exclusively, then he was logically not worthy. The Unemotional Stoic, however, would not let him show his pain or need. In the following days he nagged and criticized Sonna for various reasons, many reasons except for his real pain, which he could not admit. He made himself unpleasant. And since he was unpleasant, she naturally preferred to be with this new man, as all fresh connections are interesting and exciting. A few nights later, in his room, while lost in the creation of an acrylic mandalic circular design, he heard sounds of them making love in the other room. This was the woman he had shared his life with for the last three years on two continents. They were raising her son Arand together. How could she do this to him? The sound of her feeling erotically ecstatic with another man was driving him crazy. He was at an impasse. He tried to continue his painting. The Unemotional Stoic, the Sacrificing Hero and the Poor Unloved Child wanted to continue drawing. He continued for about an hour after the sounds of their lovemaking had abated. He was feeling horrible. His stomach and neck were like iron. Suddenly, that nonpersona voice, which appeared in crisis, whispered "Why not love them both. Get to know him. If you love them both, you will be happy that they are happy together." It was then that the Seeker of Truth realized that his pain had nothing to do with love. His pain was the result of his lack of self-acceptance, his need for security and affirmation. He knocked on their door, with a tray of herb tea and nuts and raisins. They sat around sharing for about two hours. He got to know and like this other man. He made friends with him, and felt much better. This lesson was deeply imprinted in his mind; that love is always the solution. But he was not completely free from the pain. It was not only the pain of the present situation, but the pain of many previous experiences in this and other lives. It had settled in like a coat of armor in his abdominal - chest - throat area. There was a three-day meditation intensive taking place the next weekend. He found himself in a wood cabin with one of his old university buddies who had also been taken up with meditation. Each meditation was a process of disentangling his mind from the web of this emotional suit of armor which was restricting his physical-emotional-spiritual being. During each meditation, he felt this energy field begin to lighten, to move, to shake. He would experience freedom from it temporarily and then, coming out of meditation, it would be there again. He was meditating five to seven times a day, performing yoga exercises and breathing techniques before each meditation. On the third day, in his last meditation, he felt this energy field begin to shake and move upward. As it passed through his head, he feared losing consciousness. It was an unfamiliar state of consciousness. It moved up and out. It was gone. The tightness, the pain, all the emotions were gone. He was free from his attachment. What he knew intellectually had now been experienced by his emotional and energy bodies. He was whole without Sonna. He could love her without needing her. His Seeker of Truth persona and Loving Friend personas were strengthened by this experience. Upon returning, he shared his experience with Sonna, and told her how he wanted her to be happy in any way which she could, with or without him. Being released in this way, Sonna lost interest in this other man, with whom it seems she was already having conflicts. Ran, however, had also seen that they had different needs, different goals in life and proposed that they continue to support each other as friends. But this was not to be the last lesson in love that he was to learn with Sonna?s help. LEARNING FROM CHILDREN Ran had a very loving relationship with Sonna?s son Arand. Ran played the role of father for him from the age of two and a half until he was five and a half. Then, even when Ran and Sonna separated, Arand would come and stay with Ran occasionally on the weekends to play, be together and go on various excursions. At that time, Ran was working at the day care center which Arand was attending. He was the only white person and the only male adult in the center. All of the sixty children from 2 to 6 were black except for three white children. Ran loved his work. It was totally exhausting, but his contact with the children was very healing and educating for him. He learned to give and received affection, to be totally honest, to be simple, to play, to create more freely, to have patience, to express his emotions, and to have plenty of energy and imagination. At around one thirty after their meal, it was time for their short nap. This was a real challenge, to get twenty children of this age to sleep in the same room (there were three rooms). He would attend to the more anxious ones, rub their stomachs or simply place his hand on their solar plexus, and pass peaceful vibrations into that area until they slept. This system worked well and was adopted by the other workers. One morning he overheard the following discussion among the older boys (5 and 6 years old). Theodore bragged to his friends, "Went with my mother?s boy friend to a meeting last night. You know, all white people are evil." Arand and the others looked at him, because Ran was only a few feet away. "But Ran is white", they chorused back to him. He looked at Ran, and was in total confusion. They loved each other, and yet he was now being told that Ran was the enemy. The only solution he could find for his dilemma was to answer, "No he?s not". He was not afraid of what Ran thought. He simply could not reconcile these two very important contradictory realities, that he loved Ran and that Ran was evil. Thus he chose to ignore the truth that Ran was white. He never seemed bothered about this point after that day. This was a very clear lesson to Ran as to how we all ignore and deny whatever threatens our belief system. It was a process he would witness in himself and others frequently. Another day a young boy asked Ran to read a book with the title "CURIOUS GEORGE" about a playful monkey. Ran asked him before they started, "Do you know what the word ?Curious? means?" The boy answered with total confidence, "it means when you get in trouble." This too was a very revealing discovery for Ran. He realized that the educational system was educating people to memorize facts but not to think, to be curious, to research, to analyze, to organize, to discriminate, to evaluate, to judge or make decisions. They were manufacturing robots with no ability to think. This, along with the fact that he believed that each child was a seed which had its own knowledge of what it should be in life, caused Ran to leave this day care center and to start his own at home. He rented a six-room apartment for very little money, made one room into his bedroom, one into a living room and the rest was a Home Day Care Center. He had one room for creative activities, one for playing theater, a closet with rabbits and guinea pigs, and the kitchen and pantry. Between 6 and 7 am each morning six children including Arand would arrive. He would be alone with these children until five to seven in the evening. He allowed the children to guide the activities. He tried to find that balance of flowing with their rhythms and interests and guiding them towards learning what was essential to their growth. Having the latter in mind, he would usually seize upon opportunities which appeared spontaneously in their flow of events. This balance was difficult, and not always successful, but very rewarding and exhilarating when it was. This was real learning; Learning from life itself. When they shopped together, he had to have them empty their pockets at the cash register, as they had the habit of stuffing them with things they liked. They would cook together, eat together, but doing the dishes was left up to him. There are some things which children just do not enjoy. Unless, of course, you don?t mind finding a kitchen full of soapsuds and broken plates. Those days passed quickly and he was more than totally exhausted when the children left. He was in the habit of lying down immediately after the last one left. The Discipline Meditator would not, however, let him sleep. He must do his exercises and meditation. Lying on his back, he had only enough energy to twist his body into the lying torsion. After falling asleep on the one side for about twenty minutes, he managed to get over on to the other side. He felt his energy shifting, moving again. The tiredness and tensions were flowing out of his system. This newly flowing energy allowed him to continue his postures. He rested in the various yoga postures called the shoulder stand, the plough, the fish, the forward stretch, the cobra, the bow and the yoga mudra. He moved through them slowly, it took from 45 minutes to an hour and a half depending in how much time he had, for there were evening activities waiting. These postures were his source of rejuvenation. He felt much gratitude for them. Even later, after thirty years of employing them, he remained in wonder at their efficiency in the transforming his physical, emotional, mental and spiritual state. He was grateful. This was a manifestation of another of his predominant personas, the Chooser of Goodness. This was a big crybaby who would feel grateful for the smallest and silliest things. He would also cry regularly when he saw people be kind and loving to each other. Gratitude was his main emotion. Upon completing the exercises, he would sit in meditation for 20 to 30 minutes and then would be off on his bicycle to one of his various evening activities. Dance Free was Wednesdays and Saturdays. Monday was Sufi dancing. Tuesday was astrology class. Friday was for the spiritual group meetings with a beautiful elderly woman teacher with much wisdom and the power to transmit it. That left Thursday and Sunday to read and work on astrological charts. He had little social contact outside of these groups. EGO HUMILIATION He and Sonna had separated for about six months. He had no desire to be with her, but he loved her and wanted to make her a surprise for her birthday in a week?s time. He decided to invite her to a concert, and secretly paint her a mandala and bake her a cake. It was agreed. He picked her up for the concert. She knew nothing about the cake and mandala. He was going to surprise her with those when they arrived back at his place after the concert. As they were walking out, after two hours of inspiring and exhilarating music, he noticed Sonna speaking with an unknown gentleman who was walking next to them along with the crowd?s motion towards the exit. When they arrived at the exit, she nonchalantly informed Ran that she would be going with the gentleman for a drink. He was totally shocked and so caught by surprise, that he completely lost any ability to say anything. He walked home devastated. He had spent over ten hours preparing this Mandala not to mention the cake. He had passed so many times through his mind, how pleased she would be when she received them and felt his love and caring. He kept running the scene through his mind. He was unable to comprehend how someone could do this. She acted as if it was totally natural to go out with someone to a concert and then connect with a total stranger, and spend the rest of the evening with him. Each persona went through its own emotions. The Poor Unloved Child once again found proof that he was not loved. He felt rejected, lonely, and misunderstood. The Righteous Rebel was outraged at this injustice. The Righteous Critic found her behavior unacceptable. He was immersed in a cloud of suffering, self-pity and disappointment, and did not sleep all night. His meditator friend called in the morning to see if he was ready to go to the homecoming football game at their old university. Ran explained what had happened and that he didn?t feel like going. His friend persuaded him, and Ran went along. Meeting old friends and sharing with them gradually dispersed the cloud. He drank and danced and shared. As he was returning home he thought, "why was I so unhappy?" His Child of the Universe persona started clarifying his mental field. "Your feelings had nothing to do with love or wanting to give. You wanted recognition for what you were giving. You were giving in order to receive admiration, gratitude and attention. You were also giving because you wanted to give happiness. You did love and want to give love. But these were not the motives which made you feel so unhappy." For the first time, but certainly not for the last, Ran realized that he and probably most other Alitheans, function out of simultaneous motives, some sincerely altruistic and others egocentered. He realized that, although his motives were real love and caring, there was also simultaneously a part which was seeking recognition. Although he himself was not yet aware of his personas, we can see that some of his needy personas were using various activities started out by more altruistic personas for their own needs. Thus it is not always so easy to clearly determine whether an action is altruistically or egocentrically motivated. It is often both. The next day he passed by Sonna?s and gave her the mandala and birthday cake. He had learned another important lesson about love. He was grateful. How did she enjoy her time with that gentleman? "Not at all, he was on a big ego trip." They both learned from this. PAST LIFE REGRESSIONS Before separating, Ran and Sonna performed various regressions into past lives on each other. They then discovered various "continuations" of their relationship such as that of the German General Rupert and the widow woman Karen. Ran realized that this technique had many possibilities and started to employ it where necessary on those who came for "astrological" guidance. He learned much from guiding over 250 persons into past life memories. He saw the intricate relationship between lives and how the soul carried over from one life to another its belief systems, needs, and motives. He saw how our character in this life was simply a continuation of the last. Just as our personality does not change with sleep, our character does not change in the longer "sleep" between lives. He learned about the beauty of the death process. He would be amazed that, while in regression, Alitheans sweating and writhing in pain, as they were experiencing a violent death, such as being hacked to pieces by an angry mob, would suddenly fall into total relaxation and deep peace once they had left their bodies in that death process of the previous life. In one such case, a young woman, after writhing on the floor, screaming as she was being hacked to death, suddenly went limp and totally relaxed as she explained that she had just left the body. Then she began laughing as she reported, "They are still hacking at my body, they think that I am in there. How stupid they are they don?t realize that I am here above them." As he guided hundreds of people through such experiences, even his Scientist persona became convinced that these were, in 90 % of the cases, not imagination. There was continuity, congruency and so many details in their descriptions, that to believe that their imagination was creating all this was even more implausible than that they were remembering past lives. He began to see a pattern of evolution, the law of cause and result. The reasons for unexplained fears, or unexplained guilt, or self-rejection, were quite clear in the perspective of past life experiences. As he guided persons through their death in previous lives, he was able to construct a pattern of after death states which he found later verified by many other sources. He found this information so useful and interesting, that he eventually wrote a book about it, so that others too might benefit from this clear and, for his Scientist persona, "logical enough" information. To Index ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER NINETEEN RAN CALLS A CONFERENCE OF ALL PERSONAS SELF DOUBT Ran had so much to be grateful for. He was living a blessed life. He had food, shelter, and so many people who loved and respected him. He had ample opportunities for creativity. He had his health. Although he had no personal wealth, no house, nor land, he had so many persons who were willing to allow him to use their summer homes when he needed a place to meditate or write. He had accomplished much with his life personally and socially. He had every reason to be happy and grateful. And he was. But... always the eternal But. Those questions were still nagging in the back of his mind, some doubts as to whether he was living his life as God wanted or not. Whether God wanted more from him and if so what? Should he be more unworldly, denying the pleasures of the world or should he learn to see the Divine in each experience and activity? Was the path of denial a programming from past lives, or his inner guidance for his present path towards freedom? Were his personas, who advocated retreat from the world, guiding him towards enlightenment, or preventing him from seeing the Divine in all, including himself? He was also at a crossroads on a practical level. Were the difficulties he was having in securing stable residence in Moor a message to leave, or simply a test for him to learn to live and feel safe and secure in uncertainty while not knowing whether he would be asked to leave the next day? It was definitely a wonderful spiritual test; to serve and give all one?s energy without any payment; to create something so large, keep nothing for one?s self and know that any day he might not be allowed to partake in that creation, or that it might disappear altogether. Was he to continue in his evolutionary path toward God alone? Or was his path to God through a deep love relationship? Was his reluctance to be alone rooted in his previous life spent in prison, or was it guiding him to be in a love relationship and face an aspect of life which he had ignored for many incarnations. Although his life was fine and he had many reasons to believe that he was being guided from within, he had a dose of "spiritual anxiety", or self-doubt. Ran decided to do a retreat in a friend?s mountain home near a river. For the first weeks, he meditated, walked in nature and proof read some of his books. After that he spent his time, meditating more intensively and communing with nature. He then decided to hold a conference of personas. A psychology group, in which each persona would be able to express itself freely, with the hope that they might come together and agree on some of these points which were unresolved in Ran?s mind. THE GUIDELINES It was decided that the Seeker of Truth would be the group facilitator, as he was the most objective of all. The Seeker of Enlightenment and Savior-Teacher personas were ruled out because they were too identified with their roles and images of how they must be. They sat in a circle and meditated a few minutes, breathing deeply in a synchronized way since they shared the same lungs. As they were connected in this way, the Seeker of Truth reminded them of the guidelines for incarnation on Alithea which they had been read by the Angel of Light before incarnation. These truths were passed on by the ancient sages of Alithea. "1. All personas will all share one mobile compartment. It will have two legs, two hands, one head, one brain and various other organs and systems necessary for you to perceive and function on the material plane. a. No persona will be able to leave it individually. b. No persona will ever be able to go anywhere alone, you always travel together. "2. You will all share one energy system a. Thus each uses the energy which belongs to all of you. b. What each does with this energy affects all of you. "3. You will share one consciousness a. Although you will each have your own beliefs and thoughts, you have only one screen of consciousness on which to project them. b. These thoughts, however, can be projected in succeeding order with such rapidity, that it may seem to you that they exist simultaneously. c. The thoughts projected by each, will, in many ways, limit the others? mental freedom. "4. The lines which separate you and give you the feeling of individuality are imaginary, mutable and often disappearing. "5. You must find happiness together, or not at all. You will never be able to find happiness a. by fighting each other . b. by suppressing one another c. or by ignoring one another. "6. Your source is one and your separate identities are illusion. "7. You will all evolve together. The balance of powers and strengths between you will be dynamic and ever changing. "8. Each of you and the nature of your relationships with each other will be continuously reflected in the world and events around you, especially by others? reactions to you. "9. You have three powers with which to become free and happy. a. love - acceptance b. truth c. awareness "10. You will forget all this upon birth. You will believe that you are one, until one day you fall apart and realize that you are many and then really become one." The Seeker of Truth, then concluded, "well it seems that we have arrived at this point of falling apart so that we can become one again. Let us address ourselves to this process." THE MONK He then asked the Holy-Pure-Monk to initiate the conference with a prayer. The Holy-Pure-Monk closed his eyes and prayed, "Dear God, please guide us and all other beings in our efforts to understand your will for us. We don?t want anything else but that; to be as you want us to be." With this he broke out crying, sobbing. " Maybe we are not how You want us to be? O, how much we love You. How much we miss You. We have been seeking so many years. You have abandoned us. Why? We have tried so hard. When will You come? When will You grant us the vision of Your being, the experience of Your presence? What else do we need to do.?" The Bad Unworthy Child and Poor Unloved Child cried with him. The others all waited for their crying to subside. Then the Seeker of Truth approached the Holy-Pure-Monk and asked, "what are you feeling?" He answered, "I am tired, I feel abandoned, weak, unable to succeed in my task. I feel rejected by God, and also guilty that I am not able to reach Him." "Where do you feel these feelings?" "In my solar plexus and a little in my chest" "Monk, please breathe into the area which is most tense, breath in and out and allow the energies to move into those feelings." The Monk breathed deeply, opening the diaphragm area as his breath increased and emotions expanded. "I feel dizzy, I am going to faint, all this energy is rushing to my head." The Seeker of Truth encouraged him to continue, as this was a sign that the energy pattern was breaking up, and that he would be free if he continued. The monk cried out in desperation, "God where are You, why have You abandoned me? I have done everything You have asked, why have You not come? You have not kept Your promise? You said You would be there for me." The Seeker of Truth whispered "What promise?" The Monk spoke, "I am Franz from our past life. I live in a monastery, I have sacrificed all my life. I have denied the pleasures of the flesh. I have suffered deeply. I have spent sleepless nights fighting with my desires. And I died with nothing, with nothing, I never had the Vision." The Seeker of Truth whispered into his ear, "What vision?" "The vision of God." "And how is that vision?" "My Lord Jesus Christ, of course" "Why do you need this vision?" "Then I will know that He loves me." The Bad-Unworthy-Child and Poor Unloved Child were sobbing again as they identified with the Monk?s feelings. The Seeker continued to verify what he was hearing, "You need a vision to be sure that God loves you? You are not sure that He loves you? You are not sure if you are worthy of His love?" When the Monk heard these words, he realized that his desires and complaints were egocentered, that he was not loving God, but wanted verification of his worthiness through some sign from God. He had sacrificed material desires, but he was full of spiritual desires. He was actually seeking affirmation his self worth and of God?s love for him. He realized that, just as others sought verification of their self worth through a woman?s love, or money, or professional success, or through their intelligence, he was looking to be affirmed by a vision. The Seeker of Truth asked. "Monk, can you love God and serve Him and have faith that God is love, and feel His love without a vision? Have you ever thought that you are not crying because some child in Moor, or Bharat, or any Alithean country has not seen God. You are not crying because some child does not have food. You are crying because you have not had the vision, the verification. You are not crying because your brother in the other cell, who is praying like you, is not having it. In fact, you want to have it before him, because you think that then you will be more worthy." "Monk can you see that you are like those who seek to have the attention from their spiritual teacher, not simply because they love him, but because then they will be verified. They will be ?good boys and girls?. They will have had found their self worth." "Monk, what do you want to do?" The Monk responded, "I can see what you are saying. I understand. I see that my desire is selfish. But, I still feel that need. I suppose the truth will slowly seep into me. What I can do is to leave Ran to live his life. I had my chance hundreds of years ago in that previous incarnation. I am projecting onto him my old perceptions. I will try to let him find his own way." THE BAD UNWORTHY CHILD The Seeker of Truth looked around the circle and asked if there was any one who has something to express. "I do", responded the Bad Unworthy Child. "I can identify totally with the "Monk" and I can see now that he is my creation, my projection. I have not learned to love myself, nor to believe in myself. My childhood and previous life experiences have programmed me in this way. Independent of Ran?s and even Saram?s accomplishments and efforts, I have chosen to perceive and register only those experiences which verify that I am not worthy and not loved. Thus I am also the creator of the Poor Unloved Child. I am at the core of every persona?s effort to verify its self worth. Each of you tries, in your own way, to confirm that you are good and worthy. Only then do you feel successful. Except for a few exceptions, you are all my children, my creations." The Seeker answered, "This may be true, Bad Unworthy Child, but each of us has other needs besides the need for affirmation. We desire to grow, to learn, to serve, to help, to love and even to unite with God. We experience a number of desires and motives simultaneously. Perhaps it would be useful then, before we go much deeper, for each of us to express our needs and desires and beliefs, especially as they correspond to basic questions upon which we want to agree at this time. Let me remind you. They are: "1. Whether it is better for us to proceed alone or through conscious love relationship? "2. Whether it is best for us to stay in Moor or leave? "3. Whether we can proceed more efficiently by living a more secluded life or by serving in the world? "4. Whether our emphasis should be on trying to change ourselves, or on accepting ourselves as we are? You can add any other themes which are important to you. "Let us move in the circle from left to right. Would you like to start Poor Unloved Child?" THE POOR UNLOVED CHILD The Poor-Unloved-Child shared his feelings, "I need love. My main focus is to get it from women, as they substitute my mother, but also from older men who replace my father. My need for a relationship is not for sex or other pleasures but rather for attention, affection, and to be loved unconditionally, with all my weakness and faults. Thus, for these reasons, I would prefer to have a relationship. The rest of the questions do not interest me. "I suppose I would chose that we learn to accept ourselves as we are. If I were able to do that, I would not need to find someone to fill my emptiness, by making me feel that they love me. Also, I would like to add that I need exclusive love. Otherwise I get jealous. It seems that I feel that I am verified in a relationship only if she loves me exclusively. If she loves everyone or also loves some other man, then I loose my feeling of self worth. "If I could accept myself as I am, then I could love others unconditionally, and not need to seek or control the love that I receive. Their love for me would be a natural reflection on my love for them. I also would never be jealous. "I think that my evolution is through a conscious relationship in which I can work on loving and being selfless. Until now I have been very selfish. "Also I have a complaint for the other personas. I often feel rejected by them. They accuse me of obstructing their disciplines, and their attempts to be self-sufficient. They accuse me of slowing down their evolutionary process, that my needs for attention and love make us more egocentric than they would like us to be. "What can I do? Can I be other than what I am? By rejecting me, they are simply worsening my condition and making me even more insecure, and I feel even more unworthy and more unloved. "I need love, not rejection. If these other personas would have patience with me, especially the Monk, the Savior-Teacher and the Seeker of Enlightenment, I would feel better about myself and would not need to seek so much attention and acceptance from others, and then we would all evolve much more smoothly. "When I do not get what I need from you all, I necessarily must seek it from outside." The other personas were obviously impressed by the Poor-Unloved Child?s reasoning. They reflected on what he said. The Seeker of Truth kept up his role as facilitator, "Thank you Poor-Unloved-Child. We will skip you temporally Bad Unworthy Child, as you have already spoken. We will get back to you." THE GOOD OBEDIENT BOY The Good Obedient Boy started to speak. "Well, the Poor Unloved Child pretty much covered my needs. We are very similar. I would agree that we are creations of the Bad Unworthy Child. I agree with his statement that he has created a number of us. I share, with both of them, the doubt about who I am and whether I am worthy to be loved and respected, both by my fellow Alitheans, and also by God. "Thus my basic need is to always appear "good" in other peoples? eyes. I usually manage to do this by suspecting what they want from me and giving it to them. I find it impossible to say no. Also, I frequently obstruct our other personas from expressing themselves when I fear that their behavior might make people see me as not good, and thus not love me. This holds especially true for the Playful Prankster, the Righteous Rebel and the Erotic Female Dancer. I would like you to take this moment to ask your forgiveness, for I have frequently stifled your expression." These personas nodded acknowledging his request for forgiveness. "I feel guilty as I have not allowed us to be our natural selves. On the other hand , because of my self doubt, it is not easy for me to overcome this reflex action of trying to be the good boy." The Seeker of Truth intervened in order to clarify, "What do you mean by good? You have seen, throughout our lives, that you have been criticized and rejected by whole groups of people for actions and behaviors which were considered exceptionally good by others. How then can you actually gain your self worth through other peoples? opinion? You will have to choose which group you want to be good with, and then you will not be good to the other." The Good Boy answered, " You are right. I have noticed this over the years, and especially the last two years after the crisis. Many people forgot immediately all of our positive interactions and remembered only our faults. I also recognized what you just mentioned, that we were being accused by various groups and people for completely different things. Trying to satisfy the one group, would have made us even more wrong to the other. Being rejected in this way, after trying to be good to everyone, has helped me considerably to decide to allow us to be ourselves. I am much freer today than three years before. And you all will be, because I will suppress you much less, and eventually not at all. "Have patience with me, I am in the process of growing up." The Seeker of Truth acknowledged the Good Boy and thanked him for his honesty. They proceeded. THE PLAYFUL PRANKSTER The Playful Prankster took the stage. "I love to play. To play with words; to laugh, to joke about life and about the rest of you more serious personas. Many of you are much too serious for me and I feel stifled. Especially after the Savior-Teacher developed and started monopolizing all our time. Between the Teacher?s monopoly on the mind-body complex and the Good Obedient Boy?s prohibitions, I was feeling very much suppressed. Because of this I was probably one of the main personas responsible for that crisis two years back. I was suffocated by the role of the Teacher and of the Spouse. These two roles made me feel that I had no right to exist, let alone express myself. "Together with the Rebel, the Erotic Dancer and the "Child personas" we started the revolution which turned everything upside down. We managed to confuse most of you, even the Savior-Teacher. "I am personally very sorry for any pain which others may have felt, especially Issabella and Brenna, and the members of the community. I am sorry that so many were disillusioned. But I am not sorry for you all. You needed it. We were not able to move as one, as long as there was no equality, no balance. You were all trying to be something that we were not yet. We might be soon. But we were not then. We had become split into two camps. "Thus I do not ask for your forgiveness. Although I may have messed things up for us on the outside, I have done us all a big favor on the inside. You are lucky I have not been more active. Many times I have felt the temptation to do something totally out of context, often when the teacher was teaching, in order to shake everyone out of their complacency. I would just love to see their faces if I said something totally inappropriate, or if the Erotic Dancer danced for them... I can see their faces now." All had hearty laugh, as they imagined the expressions on all of those faces trying to place what they were seeing in the context in which they had put Ran, the Teacher. Prankster continued, "As far as the question about whether or not to have a conscious love relationship, I am for it. This is the space in which I can play the most. In personal love relationships, the Teacher relaxes and needs not control the time, while the Good Boy is not afraid of being rejected. "I like to tease and also to play erotically. Sex is not important to me, we can do without that if other personas have objections, but playing erotically makes me feel free, able to do what I am not supposed to do. I live in such a seriously oriented persona group, that I need this play, and all forms of play for my balance. "I also like to play with the energies which flow between us and a conscious love partner. I think we have still much to learn and gain through such a situation. Concerning staying in Moor or not, I would suggest that we allow the Divine decide that. If we are to be elsewhere, let us be moved by the powers of life themselves as we have been so many times in the past." "One more point I would like you to consider. We have been placed together in order to work in balance. When the Monk and Good Boy suppress us, and the Teacher and the Efficient Worker, leave us no time for expression, then it is natural that we will move to the other extreme in order to balance things out. This is not a threat for further revolutions, but a suggestion for more harmonious coexistence. The Seeker of Truth closed jokingly, "Thank you Prankster. I hope that you will keep us amused in less destructive ways from now on." He nodded to the Fascinated Wonderer. THE FASCINATED WONDERER "I need to have contact with God?s creation. I love to get lost in fascination and wonder at the beauty and inconceivable intelligence and intricacy which holds this universe together. I see this everywhere, in man, in chemistry, physics, and biology, but most clearly in nature. Because of our previous life as Phantom Healer, I am healed and fulfilled most by sitting next to rivers. "It is here that I feel God most. No church or monastery has help me feel God more than nature itself; especially the elements of water, air, earth and fire. I enjoy most falling into a reverie which is a combination of imagination, meditation, prayer, contemplation and talking with God and the beings of nature. "I understand us and others better when I see us within the mechanism of nature. I get answers as to how we must live and proceed. I am recharged and revitalized. "We have not given ourselves enough time for this these last years. I too would like to lodge a complaint to the Savior-Teacher, the Efficient Worker, and the Monk personas. You have really left no time for the rest of us. I have been given no time at all throughout the year. Only in the month of September am I given about an hour a day. All of you are so result oriented. You have been given time because the hope is that you produce either on the material or spiritual realm. You are all effort oriented. Even the Monk is making effort when praying and meditating. "I may not produce results, but I am essential for our balance. Without balance we cannot proceed as a group. The split between us was a natural result of giving time only to result-oriented personas. "I can certainly understand the revolution which took place, although I wish it could have happened with less pain for the others. Perhaps, however, that pain was exactly what they needed for their growth. "Concerning whether to have a conscious love relationship, I would like to explain that I find it difficult to fall into my state of wonder and fascination when there is someone else around. The Loving Friend is afraid that the other might feel ignored or left out and I cannot get lost in my fascination. Thus, in such a case, it would have to be with a woman who would understand my need to be alone at these times without feeling rejected. Otherwise I would prefer that we be alone. I like Moor, but wish it had more rivers. And cleaner ones. "But I can recognize that some of the other personas are very useful here and that it would be better for us to stay, until as the Prankster put it "The Divine throws us out." The Seeker of Truth then gave the word to the Efficient Worker. THE EFFICIENT WORKER He quipped jokingly towards the Wonderer, "I heard you, you want to take my time away. Well I must agree that I sometimes wonder whether you might be right. I actually feel that I must be in continuous action. I ease up only when the personas have been especially productive and it is past eleven at night. "I often wonder why. One answer is that I believe that I am on this earth to help, to create, to work, to manifest. That is the purpose of my existence. I often say, ?I will rest when I die?. As long as we are here in this body, we are here to work towards creating a better world. "I see no sense in wasting time in social contact, idle gossiping, watching TV. or any other such pastimes which I feel do not serve our evolution or improve the quality of life for those around us. "I am sure of what I believe. I can quote you a number of passages from Christ?s teachings which affirm what I am saying. As we are healthy, and able to work at this pace, I see no reason not to do so. "Also I would like to point out that I am not the one who occasionally seeks recognition through our work. It is the Bad-Unworthy-Child and Good Boy who seek recognition through me and also through many of you. I would like to ask them to allow us to perform our functions as workers, servers, teachers, writers etc. for the motives that we ourselves have, and not stick in their little noses after we have finished in order to verify their self worth. "I would suggest that we help them to feel their self worth as they are, and not through our actions. Let us help them learn to love and accept themselves unconditionally, so that we can perform our functions with the purity of our own motives and not with theirs. "I hear a lot of talk about balance. I must admit that I can understand what you are saying. Until our recent revolution, I thought that we had balance. I was not aware of any symptoms of imbalance. But as the revolution was definitely a reaction to the suppression created by some personas, I must agree to discussing how we might live in greater balance. However, I would like to have specific suggestions, which would not reduce our hours of work." "About a relationship: I am not interested, unless she can work with us and produce. I do not want to allocate time for all that relationship stuff. If she can work at our rate, okay. The Seeker of Truth, smiled as did the others, humoring his obvious attachment. He nodded to the Righteous Rebel. THE RIGHTEOUS REBEL "I hear a lot of hot air here. A lot of words. There is a war going on out there. People are unhappy, poor, homeless, people killing each other, suffering with real problems, and you are complaining about unequal time use of the mind-body complex. "I have a need to rebel against the hypocrisy and the stagnancy which I perceive in society. When I see that same happening in here, I do the same. That is why I united with the Prankster, and started that revolution. We did what we were not supposed to do. For me that is freedom. Are you all free? You are blinded by your motives and needs. "Well I need freedom. I couldn?t stand hearing from the various personas, ?O you cannot do that because you are living in a teacher?s body, or because you are living in a husband?s body. I was suffocating with all those not this, and not that. "Our life had become a museum for me. I thrive on change, on being able to do crazy things. I, like the Prankster, am ever ready to shock people, to do something out of context, as we did when we were Babu in that previous life in India. "I want to shock them out of the idea that we are some teacher, that we are something different. I want to shock them out of their complacency and fixed ideas. For me fixed ideas are the cause of all our Alithean problems. "We need core changes, not simple analysis and affirmations. I cannot suffer any more living a belief system which is not totally mine. All that the Teacher teaches and the Universal Philosopher thinks and writes are truth for me, but I think that we have made many concessions to a society which lives in ignorance. We could teach others in a more radical way. "It was that quality of rebelliousness and the desire to shock others which I saw in Brenna and which attracted me to her. I say that in many ways she was freer than we are. She was able, in many situations, to be herself even where we were not. "When I made my revolt, I was attracted towards the ideal of our being ourselves. I even told this to Brenna. I said I am now destroying our roles as Teacher and Husband, because they are suffocating me. It was as if I was consciously destroying everything we had created, because it was the only way I knew to free us. "I, too, am sorry for the many who suffered or were hurt. But we have asked forgiveness enough times. If they cannot forgive and go on with their lives, that is their own creation from here on. I suggest that we examine everything we do and determine whether it is free from roles, and exactly who we are at this point of our evolutionary process. "Frankly for me, it is a bit difficult living in Moor. But if the rest of you believe that we are useful here, then I agree to stay until we are shown otherwise. As far as a woman is concerned, I have my reservations. In general I feel suppressed by women. I feel that they want to limit me. I do not want to do anything immoral, or cheat on them. I just want to know that I am free to express myself in any way that I feel. "We have all come to realize that we will not find our happiness in some other person. I want to be free to show my love to other persons, without our partner feeling hurt. I do not need erotic contact with them, but I feel totally suppressed when I see another woman, which I respect and love and want to show her love or attention, with or without erotic undertones, and I am afraid to do so because our partner may feel hurt or jealous. I do not want to play any more ?you looked at that other woman games?. "So I would prefer not to have a partner, unless she is very self confidant and secure in herself and can stand seeing me also show love to others. "I also feel suppressed when we fast. I cannot stand to feel that I cannot eat if I want to. Not that I am so hungry. It is the idea of being limited. You must all remember that I was born in a prison cell in our many lives ago as Rupert. I felt deprived of everything, and have related all deprivation and external control with being done injustice to, and with being weak and helpless. It is not easy for me to get free from these feelings so easily." The facilitator responded, "Thank you Rebel for your input. May I ask you a question?" "Go ahead" "What is freedom?" "It is being able to express what you are without changing it for the sake of the environment." "Fine, let me ask you then, are you free to change or limit your expression for the sake of the environment, if that would offer something to others or your own inner growth?" The Rebel was caught off guard. "Probably not. I have been so obsessed with the freedom to express and not to change, I never thought that there was also the freedom to change or to not express if that serves some purpose. Thank you. I will think about it." But the facilitator was not finished. "Also, can you feel free to be who you are even when the people you love or give importance to do not agree with that or will reject you." "I can , but the Good Boy intervenes, and does not let me." "Thank you and good luck in your quest for real freedom." "Okay, it is your turn Unemotional Stoic." THE UNEMOTIONAL STOIC "I need to conceal emotion, both negative and positive. For me both are signs of weakness and vulnerability. This I have learned throughout the ages in various incarnations but also in this present one from our father, who was also like this. I need to be always in control, distant. I protect myself in this way from being hurt. Of course, this does not work internally. It is silly a mask I wear. But I am stuck in it. During the last years I have gradually begun to express my feelings, both positive and negative. It was impossible for me to say ?I love you.? Also it was impossible for me to express pain, hurt, fear, anger. Fortunately we did not have these emotions very frequently. Our life has been very blessed. "After our crisis, I have learned to express my pain, and my love. We seldom have anger and fear, and thus I have not had to confront this problem. My belief was that people would not respect me anymore if I showed my emotions. This also included enthusiasm. Although I feel enthusiasm frequently, I do not show it, but rather keep an even tone of voice and expression. I fear I might be considered silly or fickle if I showed my enthusiasm. "Also I often feel deep love for various persons, or gratitude for their presence or respect for their being. I express about two percent of these feelings. "I have, until now, severely suppressed our emotional expression. This, in part, has been one of the causes for the revolt two years ago. You see we were attracted to women, in general, who are very free in their emotional expression. This balances us. "I suspect that I will have to free myself from this fear of showing emotion, when we have them of course, so that we may be more balanced inwardly and not need to seek someone to balance us externally, because then we will force that person to express double emotions, theirs and ours through the connected barrel effect. "I feel that we still have much to learn by being in the world, and working and expressing ourselves in the material world. I think that it would not be practical to think about withdrawing yet. Perhaps in about ten years. "As far as a conscious love partner is concerned, I think I would have a lot to learn by having a partner to whom I could learn to freely express my emotions. She would, however, at first be able to see my love in my actions, and not need to hear it from me many times a day. When I feel pressured, I bottle up. My actions speak more clearly than my words." The Seeker of Truth, then gave the word to the Anxious Worrier. THE ANXIOUS WORRIER "If the Unemotional Stoic was born of our father, I was born of our mother in this incarnation. Of course, I have been learning to be as I am for many incarnations now. All of humanity has mastered my art. I worry. My nature is to think about the worse things that can happen, to fear that things will not work out as we want them to, and to pass various scenarios through our mind as to what we must do in order to avoid catastrophe. "I do not worry only about material matters, but also about spiritual. I even worry because we are not enlightened. "Over and over again, I have seen that all my worry was for nothing. Now, of course, I am much better that I used to be. But I still exist and occasionally waste some minutes of a day with my anxiety. I ask your help. I want to come into full contact with the Divine and see for myself that there is only God everywhere, as our Philosopher and Child of the Universe keep telling us. When I see that, I will be free. But I need to see it with my eyes. Their teachings do not help me. "We have been through a lot together. I thank you for your patience with me, and ask for your continued understanding. I am very old, much older than all of you. I existed when we were only in the animal stage, and in the primitive man stage of our evolution down on the Earth. Most of you were dormant seedlings then . My roots go deep and thus, I will be the last to disappear. But eventually the light of the Divine will burn me and transform me." The Seeker of Truth felt that a transformation of thought form was necessary here. He guided the Worrier into a state of deep relaxation and asked her to visualize the emotion of worry or anxiety. "What do you see," he asked. "A hunched up woman sitting out in the cold darkness." "Ask her what you can do to help her." "She says to embrace her, but she is ugly" "Begin to send her light and love, accept her and wish her to be well." "Now she is straightening up. She is getting warm inside. Her face is relaxing. She is still old and it is still cold and dark, but she is radiant and beautiful. She has faith. She is at peace." "Good, embrace her now." "We are already embraced." "Now let her peace and faith flow into you, and remain in that state as long as you like." After about five minutes, The Anxious Worrier came out of his relaxation with a radiant face. "That was wonderful" The Seeker of Truth explained "you see, you fear because your thought forms cause you to. Whenever you feel anxious or worrisome, bring this image of that radiant woman, with her faith and peace, to your mind and draw from that image those qualities." "Thanks, I will. Let us move on now, I have taken up much time". Now it was the Understanding listener. THE UNDERSTANDING LISTENER The Understanding Listener presented himself. "I was born during our adolescence when our friends would naturally open up to me with their problems and deepest thoughts. I had the ability to see and accept everything as natural. I was seldom critical. I just listened and tried to understand what they were feeling. "I like to help people, to befriend them, to allow them the opportunity to express their emotions, needs and thoughts. I like doing this. It gives me a sense of meaning, and it is what I was born to do. "It these later years, we have been doing less of this, as we have been spending more time on teaching, organizing and writing. This is a decision we will have to make. Whether we will listen to people or train people to listen to people. In the last years, we have moved in the direction of the second option. I can see that this is wise and fruitful as more persons are helped. But I sometimes think we have overdone it. "Perhaps we should move back in that direction of listening to others more. "I too was involved in the revolt incident. I was probably the one who made it possible. I was our contact with Brenna before there was any physical or emotional attraction. Even after we began having those feelings, I continued on in this role of listening for a considerable percentage of our time together. "Then the various other personas began to feel more personally interested. This, however, did not diminish my role as a listener. "I too agree that we have much to learn in the material world, but perhaps I could agree to retreating in about ten years so as to give all our energy to the lessons learned by being alone. As for a conscious love relationship, I am for it. It was now the Efficient Organizer?s turn. THE EFFICIENT ORGANIZER "I love to put order, to plan, to create a structure where there is none. I like to make things more efficient and improve them. I like to manifest ideas on the practical level. "I need the freedom to move and make decisions. Many have criticized that I do not consult the others enough, but make decisions on my own. They are right. But, I do not mean to exclude them. I just get carried away, and when they complain, I see that I have done it again. I also get many complaints from the Disciplined Meditator. I might as well say it before he doe |