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 Relationships of Conscious Love 355 pages (8.5 in. x 11.5 in) (1 MB) Return to list of books 355 pages 1. MB = only $ 10) HOW TO OBTAIN THIS BOOKClick on the link below and you will be taken to «clickbank» in order to make your purchase. You will then be directed back to our «thank you» page where you will be able to download the ebook in one of three ways. 1. My left-clicking on the link for the ebook on the «thank you» page, that will appear once you make your clickbank payment. This will cause the ebook to gradually appear on your screen as a pdf file that is read by Acrobat Reader. Then you can just save the pdf file on your computer. Your download will be instantaneous. It make take some time to appear perhaps 5 to 20 minutes to appear depending on your internet speed. 2. The second way is to right click on the link mentioned above on the thank you page and this will cause the pdf file to download to your computer. 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To order, now click on the link below to be taken to clickbank Conveniently Purchase the ebook "Relationships of Conscious Love" through ClickBank Return to list of books This book will help you: v Create happy, harmonious relationships of conscious love. v Learn to understand yourself and your partner v Grow Spiritually through your relationship. v Free yourself from negative emotions and reactions that diminish your happiness. v Develop Unconditional love v Gain clarity concerning yourself and your love partner. v Love yourself and others more deeply. v Overcome fears of intimacy and also of abandonment v Find your inner center. This book offers you: v 22 Chapters pact with vital and simply understood guidelines. v 29 Case Histories which exemplify and clarify how we can learn and grow in our relationships. v 31 Exercises for couples who want grow more intimate and more honest with each other. We are presenting you here the: 1. Table of Contents 2. Introduction 3. Sample Chapters from this book So that you can decide whether you are interested in purchasing it. When you are ready hit your back button and order. Click below to be taken directly to the samples: v Table of Contents v Table of Exercises for couples explained in the book v Introduction v Situations and Lessons no. 5 ? Jealousy v Situations and Lessons no. 6 ? Different Sexual needs. v Chapter 6 Codependency or Co-commitment? v Exercise ? Exploring the Genders v Chapter 14 Twelve Steps to Co-commitment v Chapter 18 More Effective Communication with Children ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TABLE OF CONTENTS More ebooks available by Robert Elias Najemy ÉÉ. 2 Email Courses by Auto-responder ÉÉ. 3 Introduction & Printing notes..........7 Situation & Lessons No.1 Self Suppression..........10 Situation & Lessons No.2 Super Woman ..........12 Chapter 1 Why Do We Enter Into Relationships? ..........15 Situation & Lessons No. 3 They Have Nothing In Common.......... 19 Situation & Lessons No. 4 To Communicate Or Not .......... 21 Chapter 2 Some Basic Problems Which Couples Confront ....23 Situation & Lessons No. 5 Jealousy .......... 28 Situation & Lessons No. 6 Different Sexual Needs ..........29 Chapter 3 How We Can Create And Maintain A Fulfilling, Loving And Growing Relationship 32 Situation & Lessons No. 7 He Doesn?t Love Me .......... 37 Situation & Lessons No. 8 Illness .......... 39 Chapter 4 Some Of Our Basic Conflicts .......... 41 Situation & Lessons No. 9 Fear And Jealousy, Suppression And Reaction.......... 49 Situation & Lessons No. 10 Social Life .......... 52 Chapter 5 Working With Need Conflicts.......... 54 Situation & Lessons No. 11 Anger .............. 61 Situation & Lessons No. 12 Anxiety .......... 64 Chapter 6 Codependence Or Cocommitment?.......... 67 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 1 ..........74 Situation & Lessons No. 13 Our Happiness Is Dependent On How The Other Is 76 Situation & Lessons No. 14 Shame .......... 78 Chapter 7 The Celestial Prophecy And Roles Others Play 81 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 2.......... 98 Situation & Lessons No. 15 Does Not Keep Agreements .......... 99 Situation & Lessons No.16 If They Loved Me, They Would Respond To My Needs. 101 Chapter 8 The Roles We Play Attempting To Get Energy, Attention Or Control 103 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 3 .......... 112 Situation & Lessons No. 17 Perfectionism .......... 115 Situation & Lessons No. 18 Mother In Law ..........117 Chapter 9 More Effective Communication In Close Relationships 119 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 4 .......... 133 Situation & Lessons No. 19 What To Do? .......... 136 Chapter 10 Clarifying Our Communication 137 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 5 .......... 150 Situation & Lessons No. 20 Losing Weight And Smoking Cigarettes .......... 152 Chapter 11 Understanding The Sexes 153 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 6 .......... 164 Situation & Lessons No. 21 Strength And Fear - Emotion And Logic ..........167 Chapter 12 Sex, Eros And Love 169 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 7 .......... 176 Situation & Lessons No. 22 Mirroring Negativity .......... 177 Chapter 13 Learning To Love Others .......... 180 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 8 .......... 192 Situation & Lessons No. 23 His Wife Is Missing From The House Continually. 193 Chapter 14 Twelve Steps To Co-Commitment.......... 196 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 9 .......... 203 Situation & Lessons No. 24 A Thirty Year Old Child .......... 206 Chapter 15 Strengthening Our Conscious Love .......... 208 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 10 .......... 234 Situation & Lessons No. 25 Meaningful Work .......... 237 Chapter 16 Responsibility For Others .......... 238 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 11 .......... 250 Situation & Lessons No. 26 Fear Of Death .......... 252 Chapter 17 Childrens? Needs.......... 254 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 12 .......... 266 Situation & Lessons No. 27 Addiction .......... 268 Chapter 18 More Effective Communication With Children É.. 270 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 13 .......... 283 Situation & Lessons No. 28 Just Divorced .......... 284 Chapter 20 Learning Life?s Lessons .......... 286 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 14 .......... 298 Situation & Lessons No. 29 Death Of Loved One .......... 300 Chapter 20 Freeing Ourselves From Mirroring And ProjectingÉ.. 302 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 15 .......... 313 Chapter 21 What Kind Of Worker Are You? ÉÉ. 316 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 16 .......... 325 Chapter 22 The Key To Real Happiness ÉÉÉ.. 326 Exercises For Recreation, Self-knowledge And Unity No. 17 .......... 332 Accessing the Abundance of Information at Our Site É 335 To Index of Chapters ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TABLE OF EXERCISES EXERCISES FOR RECREATION, SELF KNOWLEDGE AND UNITY Ex. 1. Breathing Together.......... 74 Ex. 2. Keeping Our Hearts Open Even When Differing In Opinion .......74 Ex. 3 Looking Into Each Others Eyes ..........97 Ex. 4. Expressing Positive Perceptions..........97 Ex. 5. Spontaneous Expression of Acknowledgment, Admiration and Respect.....98 Ex. 6. Discovering Where Our Feelings Are Stored In Our Body..........112 Ex. 7. Understanding Our Feelings.......... 112 Ex. 8. Expressing Our Love and need for Love 133 Ex. 9 - Sharing Our Feelings and Thoughts 133 Ex. 10. Sharing Feelings. .......... 150 Ex. 11. Sharing our Needs 151 Ex. 12 Exploring the Genders 164 Ex. 13. Sharing About the Genders 165 Ex. 14. Declaring Our Commitments ..........17 Ex. 15. Inner research Techniques and written Affirmations..........191 Ex. 16 Written Affirmations ..........192 Ex. 17. Exploring Getting Close. ..........203 Ex. 18 Exploring being Independent ..........203 Ex. 19. Researching our Commitments ..........234 Ex. 20. Dancing Together ..........234 Ex. 21 Envisioning a conscious love relationship 251 Ex. 22 Sharing Goals ..........251 Ex. 23. Brainstorming Issues..........266 Ex. 24. Exercises On Projections..........267 Ex. 25. Learning To Love Our Selves..........283 Ex. 26. Keeping Calm in the face of Rejection..........299 Ex. 25. Keeping Calm In The Face Of Rejection..........146 Ex. 27. Accepting Our Feelings..........313 Ex. 28. Accepting Our Body..........314 Ex. 29 Blessing Each OtherÉÉÉÉ 325 Ex. 30 Conscious Taking Space For Your Selves..........325 Ex. 31. Learning About Each Other Through The "Love Game........ 332 Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INTRODUCTION Although the emphasis of this book is on how to love our spouse, (married or not) ninety percent of the concepts and techniques also apply to loving children, parents, siblings and friends. LIFE?S LESSONS Life is a school. We learn through our experiences. At least we have the opportunity to learn through our experiences. We also have the freedom to not learn and thus the freedom to suffer for a longer period of time until we decide to see what life is trying to teach us through the various events and situations which occur in our lives. In the school of the life our lessons come through four basic areas; relationships, work, health and various events and changes which occur beyond our control and which test us. Every event and situation is an opportunity to discover the truth of the nature of our being and of life itself. We learn through the pleasant but most often through the unpleasant. For most of us, at least 50%, if not more, of our lessons come through our important relationships. We depend highly on our relationships with spouse, parents, children, siblings and close friends for our sense of security, self worth and happiness. When we do not get what we need from these important persons, then we begin to feel disappointment, hurt, injustice, fear, anger and even hate. And if they give to others what we want from them, then we also feel jealousy and perhaps revenge. These feelings obviously destroy our inner peace, our health and, of course, our relationships with these persons. In this book we will take a look at the lessons which we can learn through our close personal relationships if we approach them consciously, as opportunities to learn and grow. Emphasis will be given to matters which concern conscious love relationships between couples (married or unmarried), but most of the concepts, questionnaires and techniques apply to all close relationships such as with children, parents, siblings and close friends. A few of the questions (for example those concerning sexual issues) have to do only for spouses. Simply ignore them when working with another type of relationships. All other books mentioned in the text are written by the author of this book unless otherwise indicated. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AND GRATITUDE I would like to acknowledge Gay and Katherine Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute (P.O. Box 994, Colorado Springs, Colorado 80901) for their work and books on this subject. About one fifth of the material in this book has been inspired by their work. Most of all I would like to thank all the wonderful people who have shared their inner world with me over the last 30 years of my life. You have been my teachers and you have taught me what I will share with you in this book. I would also like to thank those special persons who have come even closer to me in this life in love relationships. You have taught me so much about myself, my weaknesses, my fears and how imperfect my love still is. I also thank our Creator, the universal consciousness, who is manifesting through every being that I meet, for teaching me through all these beings. Last of all I thank you, the reader, for giving me a forum in which I can share these thoughts which are pushing for expression, just as a child pushes forth towards birth. If you were not there to receive and use these thoughts they would not come forth. EXERCISES FOR GREATER UNITY Throughout the book, we are presenting you with over thirty exercises which you can employ with your partner or by your self, if your partner prefers not. Many of these exercises have been adapted from Gay and Katherine Hendricks? work on relationships. These exercises will help you increase your awareness of your needs, beliefs and feelings as well as those of your partner. In some of these exercises you come into direct contact with your partner and share energies, feelings, thoughts and, in general, your inner world. They are designed so as to gradually initiate you into the world of being more open and clear with each other. They will bring more vitality to your relationship and allow you to meet parts of your selves and of each other that you may not have met yet in all your years together. Some are designed simply for you to come into deeper contact, while others seek to help you learn to feel and express your emotions or needs. They are simultaneously recreational, revealing and healing. They are a wonderful alternative to TV and an enjoyable way to come closer to each other. If for some reason your partner prefers not to participate, you can still benefit by working with most of them alone. As some readers may prefer a solely intellectual approach and may want to proceed without employ these exercises, we suggest that you at least read them and be aware of their existence. You may feel motivated some day to employ them. We have used them in our groups for couples and other seminars and, in addition to their being a lot of fun, they are extremely revealing. May these exercises bring you together into a relationship of conscious love. AN INTRODUCTION TO SITUATIONS & LESSONS Through out the book you will find a variety of small pieces like the following that describe situations that frequently occur in our relationships. These situations often create pain and misunderstandings that are a burden on the relationship and our own happiness. We would definitely want to get free from these problems, which often take the form of vicious circles. My firm belief is that none of these situations is by chance, and that they are exactly what each of us needs in order to take the next step in our growth process, that is, to learn something. I also believe that we will continue to attract and create these situations until we learn the lesson. Thus, learning our lesson is the only way to freedom and happiness. But I, the author, cannot know what your lesson might be in any particular situation. I can only list some of the common possibilities that come to mind after 30 years of working with my self and others. In the chapter entitled LEARNING LIFE?S LESSONS, you will find a detailed method of determining what you might need to learn. I wish you every success in this process. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SITUATIONS AND LESSONS NO. 5 JEALOUSY Bill is very jealous of Efi and does not want her to ever leave the house without him. He is afraid that some man might approach her, and he cannot stand the idea of another man even looking at her. Although she has given him no concrete reason to fear, for some reason, he does not trust her. He feels intense fear, self-rejection and anger. His sense of self-worth as a man is highly associated with his being only man whom Efi could possible care for. When asked why he fears this so much and gives so much attention to this possibility when he has never seen Efi flirting or paying attention to any other man, he cannot answer. He does not know why, but he totally loses control, intimidates and even threatens physical violence when Efi goes out of the house for a reason other than shopping. Ironically, Bill?s eyes tend to follow attractive women whenever they pass. His mind is very focused on women. Perhaps this is because his mother gave him very little attention, or perhaps she never breast fed him, or she herself had a tendency to flirt, something which demeaned his father and made Bill feel ashamed. He may have, at that time, made a vow never to be demeaned like his father. Efi, on the other hand, comes from a family that allowed very little freedom. She was free to go on her first date only after the age of eighteen. Now with Bill?s problem, she is experiencing the same restrictions and clashes she?d had with her parents. She is living a personal reoccurring nightmare. At first she tried to avoid conflicts by not going out at all, but she nearly went crazy. She tried to plead and reason with Bill, but the subject was a source of great pain and anger for him and he inevitably ended up threatening her. Efi is not interested in other men, but she cannot stand this suppression and distrust. She begins to go out ever more often and their conflicts have become more frequent and intense. What can they do to get out of this vicious circle? What do they need to learn to solve this problem? Bill: Does he need to work on his childhood years and get free of that image of his mother flirting? Does he need to let go of his self-doubt? Is his lesson to feel his self-respect and self-worth as a man independent of what his wife does? Does he need to learn to care more about Efi and her needs? Does he need to learn to trust her more? Does he need to communicate differently, expressing his needs and fears and not his anger and threats? Perhaps he needs to become more self-sufficient. Efi: Is her lesson to understand Bill and help him feel safe? Is it to go out anyway and let him deal with his emotions? Does she need to overcome her programming from her childhood years so she can feel her right to be independent and also free herself from fear of conflict? Does she need to respect his needs more and feel her freedom while helping her loved one? Does she need to respect her own needs more? Does she need to find a different way of communicating with him? Does she need to overcome guilt? Both need to work on their childhood programming for which we would suggest our book The Psychology of Happiness and also our web site http://www.HolisticHarmony.com, and of course, personal work with a some type of counselor. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Situations and Lessons NO. 6 DIFFERENT SEXUAL NEEDS Fanny lost her desire for sexual contact early in her marriage. This has become a serious problem for her husband Dennis. Although he tries not to take it personally, he cannot help feeling rejected and demeaned as a man. Also, his biological needs cause him to suffer, especially at night. Fanny loves Dennis and feels badly about her inability to make love to him. She is blocked by some subconscious aversion toward the male reproductive organ and the sexual act itself. Although she is not aware of the reason, both the male organ and the act of sex seem dirty to her. Her search into why she feels this way has been fruitless until now. Dennis also loves Fanny very much. This problem, however, causes him to feel great injustice. He needs this contact physically and emotionally. Fanny understands and respects his need, but feels very much pressured by him and also suffers an unconquerable aversion when he approaches her sexually. This fear of his approaching her causes her to avoid all contact, even simple affection, so he will not be aroused and the energy between them will not become sexual. She has also begun occupying herself with a large variety of activities outside the home, using up large quantities of energy and avoiding Dennis. She also leaves on the weekends for seminars or retreats. She has found some meaning, but also perhaps some escape. This adds to Dennis?s feelings of injustice and hurt. He seldom sees her at home and would like to spend some quality time with his wife. What does each of them have to learn? Fanny: Does she need to work more deeply on discovering the cause of her fear and repulsion toward the male organ and sexual union? Does she need to force herself to accept her husband sexually even though she does not feel it? Or is her lesson to accept this problem and let her husband work it out from his end? Should she be staying home more with her family even if this does not fulfill her as much as her other activities and even if their material needs are cared for? Should she be there at home creating with her presence a sense of family? Should she feel responsible for Dennis?s unhappiness or not? What does she need in order to find a balance? Does she need to free herself from the belief that sex is dirty or evil? Should she give him more affection and loving affirmation so he will not believe she does not love him? Must she distinguish between affection, hugging and caressing and sex? Does she need to express her needs and beliefs to him more clearly, lovingly and assertively without feeling responsible for his reality? Does she need to overcome any negativity she is feeling toward him? Dennis: Should he pressure his wife to accept physical contact with him? Should he insist that she stay at home more? Is his lesson to accept this absence of sexual contact? Is he in any way doing something that repulses his wife? Does he need to understand her problem and not take this situation personally? How can he find his happiness without doing injustice to his wife? Should he become less focused on the sexual level for pleasure, relaxation or affirmation of himself as a man? Can he feel her love and caring for him without its verification through the sexual act? Does he need to discover if she may not be having some negative feelings toward him because of something he has or has not done? Can he love and feel close to her even if she cannot give him what he needs? Should he express his needs with an I- message, helping her to understand how he feels? Perhaps he should let her overcome this in her own way and timing? Has the time come to become more spiritually oriented and direct his energies in other directions? Or to love and accept himself more and realize that his self-worth is not dependent upon whether she wants him sexually or not? They need to solve this problem individually and together. The questionnaires in the following chapters will help them. Fanny will probably need to work with regressions to discover the basis of her fear. Both may need to cooperate with a sexologist. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER 6 CO-DEPENDENCE OR CO-COMMITMENT? Recently, two new words have become very popular in studying the Psychology of Relationships. They are codependence and co-commitment, which describe two totally different types of relationships. CODEPENDENCE Codependence describes a situation in which two people are dependent or addicted to each other. We lose the ability to be happy within ourselves and become dependent on each other for our feelings of safety and self worth. Both are limited by the relationship rather than helped to grow within it. Codependence breeds antagonism and games in which one tries to control the other, often through various roles, by intimidating, questioning, criticizing, playing the victim or retreating into oneself and becoming aloof. Such relationships often result in vicious circles in which no one changes and no one is happy. We might even undermine our own happiness and power because we are afraid to be happy or strong when the other is not. Promises or perhaps even threats that serious changes are going to take place seldom become reality. We feel responsible for the other?s reality and cannot let him or her feel unhappy. We try to change the other?s mood, and until the other changes, we cannot feel happy ourselves. Our state of mind is dependent upon the other?s behavior and attitude. In codependence, our fears prevent us from telling the whole truth to the other and sometimes even to ourselves. Criticism becomes a major form of communication and arguments continuously recycle. Most arguments revolve around the ancient game of "who is right." When we are dependent on someone, we will often deny our own needs and even our values in order to ensure the other?s acceptance and / or approval. We might find ourselves not only ignoring our needs, but also doing things we do not really want to do. CO-COMMITMENT In co-commitment, we feel close to each and want to share our lives without feeling dependent or that we cannot be happy alone or with someone else. We want the other to be happy and we do whatever we can in order to help him or her be happy, but do not believe we are responsible if he or she is not. We can continue being happy even when the other is not. We see the relationship as a growth process and know that essential to that growth is being able to be truthful with ourselves and each other. We learn to be truthful about needs, thoughts and feelings. We love the other and want him or her to blossom and succeed in whatever he or she chooses to pursue. There is no antagonism, but rather mutual support and encouragement. We feel joy rather than jealousy when the other succeeds. In co-commitment, we take 100% responsibility for our reality and allow the other to do the same. We do not expect the other to solve our problems or make us happy. That is our responsibility. Also we realize that we cannot make the other happy. We can help and support each other, but cannot create the other?s reality. MOVING FROM CO-DEPENDENCY TO CO-COMMITMENT In co-commitment, we learn to confront our fears of becoming intimate. This is not always easy at first as we may have fears about getting very close to someone. Some of those fears might be: a. I am not worthy, and if the other knows me well, he or she will not want to be with me. b. I might be hurt, rejected or betrayed. c. The other might abandon me and I will not be able to cope. d. I will lose my freedom. e. I will not be able to be myself. A part of the co-commitment relationship is to be able to be intimate while simultaneously independent. Few have managed to find this balance. Some have mastered the ability to be close, but find it difficult to be happy alone. Others may find it easier to be okay alone, but are not able to be intimate. Some of the behaviors that possibly exhibit a fear of being very close with someone might be: a. We withdraw into ourselves and avoid deep or meaningful contact with the other. b. We mentally manufacture faults in the other so that we are justified in not getting closer. c. We become emotionally numb and lose contact with our feelings. d. We start arguments in order to create a distance from the other. e. We subconsciously create an illness that prevents us from getting closer. f. We tend to live in the past and avoid the present, and thus contact with the other. g. We become absorbed in our work, hobby or any activity in order to avoid the other. The above reactions are unconscious self-protective mechanisms, which unfortunately seldom protect us and always imprison us in lives without love or growth. Such reactions will be even more prevalent when the others are playing roles such as intimidator or interrogator and in some cases even victim and aloof. But just as we have the fear getting close to the other, we also fear being too far away. There is a Greek saying, "We cannot be happy together and cannot be happy apart." When then can we be happy? This is the nature of codependence - fear of being close and fear of being apart. PERSONAL SPACE AND TIME Our movement toward co-commitment means overcoming the fear of being apart. This does not mean separating, but rather being able to feel comfortable when the other may need his or her "space" or personal time in which he or she can do things without us. One of us might want to walk alone, or listen to music, or pray, or attend a lecture, or a series of classes, go out with old friends or spend the evening out with old classmates. There are times when we might not want to do anything special, but would simply like to be alone. We need this occasionally in order to relax more deeply and renew our energy body. When we are with others, we frequently feel the need to be in a state of alertness. Perhaps we feel the need to communicate with them or serve them in some way. Many of us cannot be ourselves in front of others. Thus, most of us need some time alone when we can simply be ourselves. Unfortunately, many relationship partners do not feel comfortable taking this time for themselves or giving it to the other. Some reasons for this are: a. We feel abandoned by the other or fear the other will feel abandoned by us. b. We are afraid the other cannot take care of himself, or we have not learned to care for ourselves. c. We think, "If the other really loved me, he or she would always want to be with me. He or she would always prefer me to his or her friends. Couples must be always together." d. In some countries, such as the Mediterranean and Arab countries, it is inconceivable to some men that their wives could possibly leave the house and have interests other than the family. Thus, these men feel hurt and even demeaned by the fact that their wives might enjoy a series of lectures or a small excursion only with the ladies. They might fear losing control, something that is important to their sense of security and male self-image. e. Some of us are unable to entertain ourselves while alone. We have no interests with which to occupy ourselves. All our energy is locked into others, and when they are not there, we do not know what to do, how to pass the time. We have not learned to be by ourselves or how to occupy ourselves. This is why many people, when they are alone for some period of time, immediately get on the telephone or turn on the TV. Working from codependence to co-commitment means facing these fears and being able to be happy and fulfilled even without our loved one, at least for short periods of time. SENSITIVE ISSUES Another problem of co-dependence is that we tend to function unconsciously or mechanically relative to certain issues, often getting sucked into the roles of the intimidator, interrogator, victim and aloof. Some of those issues that trigger those roles are: a. Whether we can trust the other or not. "She might abandon me." " He might cheat on me." " She might hurt me." " He might try to suppress me." As a result we get locked into control games, functioning unconsciously without love or real communication. b. The question of authority, power and control. Who will decide what will happen? Who will get his or her way? Whose will is going to prevail? We unconsciously engage in games for power and control so we can satisfy our needs. c. Our feelings of self-worth are always very fragile and easily shaken by rejection or other?s behaviors. We then become defensive in our attempt to protect our self-image. d. We have feelings that have been repressed in us for many years. Some may be from this relationship and others from those much earlier in our lives. These feelings are unpleasant and we often seek to conceal them. All of these unconscious reactions dampen our vitality and obstruct honest communication. e. Sexual issues are often difficult to deal with because we have an inherent feeling of shame about our sexual needs, and also because much of our self-image as men or women is tied up in being sexually desired by our partner. These issues are seldom discussed in a mature and honest manner so they can be solved. We often try to get what we want by accusing, threatening, criticizing, avoiding, playing the victim, etc. We need to be able to discuss these needs and issues openly and maturely so that each can get what he or she needs from this conscious love relationship. We need to communicate about our fears of being hurt, the games we see we are playing for control, our doubts about our self worth, our deeper suppressed feelings and our sexual needs or lack thereof. Thus, we have a choice to make. We can allow these and other issues to silently destroy our happiness, our relationship and often our health, or we can begin to face them directly in the following way: a. Discover what we really feel, need and think. b. Examine, analyze and seek to understand exactly why we feel, need and think what we have discovered. c. Take responsibility for our needs, feelings and our life situation. The other is not responsible for what we are feeling or creating in our lives. d. Share what we have discovered with our loved one without criticism or blame. d. Work internally on getting free from anything we feel is obstructing our happiness or love. e. Work with the other on finding solutions that satisfy both of us. RECREATING OUR CHILDHOOD Another aspect of moving from codependence to co-commitment is to free ourselves from our childhood programming. Many of us tend to recreate one or both of our parents in our spouse or even in our children. We unconsciously chose persons who are very similar or opposite to our parents. In this way, we work through various dramas that were initiated in our childhood years. If we function unconsciously relative to these issues from our past, they will simply fester and poison our happiness and relationship. So many times, while counseling persons having difficulty with their loved ones, we have come to the very clear conclusion that they are simply recreating what happened with one or both of the parents, and that, if they do not work on transforming what happened in the past, the possibilities for harmony in their present relationship are slim. MARIA AND JOHN Maria and John love and respect each other, but they are plagued with frequent arguments and clashes in which each departs feeling hurt and abused. John feels Maria does not accept him, always tells him what to do, or questions what he has done. He perceives her as his interrogator. When John feels that Maria is doubting his ability or his judgment, he interprets that as her doubting his self-worth, something his mother did continuously by telling him he would never accomplish anything in his life. He then protects himself by shouting angrily so as to intimidate her. Maria fears his behavior, as this is exactly what her father did when she was a child. She backs off and closes into herself for days, feeling misunderstood, hurt and abused. She now feels that she is the victim. John also closes up, feeling hurt and unappreciated for all that he does for the family. He cannot accept having his every action and decision doubted. Feeling victimized, he becomes aloof and avoids communication at least for a few days. This goes on and on because Maria has not yet worked out her fear of her father and John has not confronted the rejection of his mother. Their freedom lies in working with their inner child. This process is discussed in the book the Psychology of Happiness and on our web site www.HolisticHarmony.com. OLGA AND GEORGE Olga and George also love and respect each other very much. Olga, however, is very much annoyed by George?s smoking. The smoke bothers her physically, but she is emotionally hurt because he continues even though she has explained how much it bothers her. She is hurt more by George?s ignoring her request than by the smoke itself. She thinks, "If he loved me, he would comply with my request." This is a reenactment of her childhood years when she learned that her needs as a child and as a woman were "not important" and that others would not pay attention to them. She became programmed to believe that, as a woman, she was simply there to serve and sacrifice. George loves and admires his wife. He, however, feels that as the man of the house, he cannot be running out to the balcony every time he wants to smoke. This is his home which he has created through his hard work. He doesn?t want to bother his wife with his smoke, but he cannot accept being limited in this way. He feels that his self-image as a man is being intimidated by her request. This too is reflection of his childhood when his parents limited his freedom of expression. He now wants to be free to do as he pleases. Olga now wants to be able to express her needs and have them respected. Each will have to work on transforming those childhood experiences. In addition, they would do well to employ techniques for solving problems where their needs conflict in the chapter on that subject. The following check list helps to summarize the difference between codependence and co-commitment. SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY 1. We need the others approval. We fear his or her rejection. 2. We cannot feel well if the other does not feel well. 3. We need to solve the other?s problems for him. 4. We cannot be happy unless the other is satisfied with us. 5. We need to protect the other or be protected by him or her. 6. We need the other in order to feel secure, worthy or happy. 7. We are afraid to tell the truth because the other might become hurt or angry. 8. We lose contact with our needs and live through the other?s needs. 9. We cannot imagine living without the other. 10. We compete for power and self worth. 11. We avoid participating in the other?s interests. SYMPTOMS OF CO-COMMITMENT 1. We accept ourselves and the other. 2. We want the other to be well, but can be well when he cannot or does not want to be. 3. We help the other in any way we can, but do not take responsibility for solving his or her problems. 4. We want the other to be satisfied, but can be happy even when he or she is not. 5. We have faith in our mutual ability to protect ourselves. 6. We feel safe, secure and happy from within. 7. We communicate the truth in all cases. 8. We try to find a fair balance between our needs and the other?s. 9. We want to be together and enjoy each other, but can accept sometimes being apart. 10. We empower each other. 11. We participate in each other?s interests. In a future chapter, we will examine how we can create a conscious love relationship based on the principles of co-commitment. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXERCISES FOR RECREATION, SELF KNOWLEDGE AND UNITY No. 6 The following exercises will help us realize our beliefs, feelings and thought-forms about each gender and thus about ourselves, our love partner and, of course, all other beings. These beliefs and feelings control to a great degree the way we feel and relate to each other. EX. 12 EXPLORING THE GENDERS A. AN ANALYSIS OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED THROUGH MOTHER AND LOVE PARTNER (If your mother was missing from your life, explain how her absence might have affected you and your beliefs.) 1. Which were / are your mother?s negative traits? 2. In which ways would you not like to be like your mother? 3. Which were / are your mother?s positive traits? 4. In which ways would you like to be like your mother? 5. Which roles did she play? (Put a percentage for each role for then and for now) Then: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ Now: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ 6. How did you react: (then and now)? Then: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ Now: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ 7. Which of you love partner?s negative (for you) behaviors are similar to your mother?s? 8. What might you need to learn by choosing as a soul to deal with this behavior both in your mother and in your love partner? 9. What are the conclusions (thoughtforms, beliefs) you have reached concerning females because of your mother?s behavior? 10. What are the conclusions (thoughtforms, beliefs) you have reached concerning males because of your mother's words or behavior? 11. How have these conclusions affected your life and your relationships with others? Which of your beliefs and behaviors are the results of those conclusions? 12. Which beliefs would you like to strengthen in order to be able to deal more positively with your mother, love partner (if they are in the body) or in general with others? 13. For which matters would you like to thank and honor that soul who played the role of your mother? 14. What else would you like to express to your mother? 15. What else would you like to express to your love partner? B. AN ANALYSIS OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED THROUGH FATHER AND LOVE PARTNER (If your father was missing from your life, explain how his absence might have affected you and your beliefs.) 1. Which were / are your father ?s negative traits? 2. In which ways would you not like to be like your father? 3. Which were / are your father ?s positive traits? 4. In which ways would you like to be like your father? 5. Which roles did he play (Put a percentage for each role for then and for now) Then: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ Now: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ 6. How did you react: (then and now)? Then: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ Now: Intimidator _____ Interrogator _______ Victim _________ Aloof_______ 7. Which of you love partner?s negative (for you) behaviors are similar to your father?s? 8. What might you need to learn by choosing as a soul to deal with this behavior both in your father and in your love partner? 9. What are the conclusions (thoughtforms, beliefs) you have reached concerning males because of your father?s behavior? 10. What are the conclusions (thoughtforms, beliefs) you have reached concerning females because of your father?s words and behavior? 11. How have these conclusions affected your life and your relationships with others? Which of your beliefs and behaviors are the results of those conclusions? 12. Which beliefs would you like to strengthen in order to be able to deal more positively with your father, love partner (if they are in the body) or in general with others? 13. For which matters would you like to thank and honor that soul who played the role of your father? 14. What else would you like to express to your father? 15. What else would you like to express to your love partner? EX. 13. SHARING ABOUT THE GENDERS Now share with each other what you have discovered in the previous exercise. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER 14 TWELVE STEPS TO CO-COMMITMENT (The basic ideas of this section are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks) We can move toward a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working toward that goal. We need to clearly understand what kind of relationship we want to create and be willing to commit ourselves to that goal. This means choosing to work on ourselves rather than falling back into unconscious behavior patterns. These twelve commitments free us to love our partner consciously without games and fears. 1. I consciously commit myself to being as open and united as possible with you and to removing from myself anything that obstructs that openness. We choose to observe ourselves and discover when we are closing up, when we do not feel united with or open to the other, and to work on getting free from any fears or mechanisms that obstruct our feelings of love and unity with the other. 2. I consciously commit myself to participating fully in my personal development and spiritual evolution. Our relationship is a basic part of our growth process. We grow, learn and evolve through our conscious contact with the other. We choose to support each other in our growth process and will not allow this relationship to stunt our growth. We are simultaneously committed to the relationship and to evolving into better individuals. The relationship should not obstruct growth, and our growth, in turn, should not separate us. This is important because in many cases, we allow our relationships to impede our dedication to our inner growth, and at others we allow our spiritual efforts to alienate us from our loved one. We need to harmoniously combine these two aspects of our lives. 3. I consciously commit myself to telling the complete truth in every situation. Only through truth can we create a love that is alive and flowing. As long as we are not totally truthful, we are living in fear. Perhaps we fear the other?s rejection or anger. A conscious love relationship will eventually reach the level of inner security and self-acceptance so we can tell and hear the truth without being hurt or offended. True love means being able to accept the other along with all of his or her feelings and needs. True love means being able to share our inner world without fear. Some symptoms that reveal we are hiding feelings or thoughts might be: 1. We may experience frequent headaches, a blockage in the throat are or a tense jaw. 2. We may have difficulty breathing. 3. We may feel tension in the abdominal area or in the arms. 4. We may find ourselves avoiding the other. 5. We might become annoyed by the other?s questions. 6. We might find ourselves getting upset with the other for small unimportant reasons, release pent up feelings that have nothing to do with the event we are getting upset about. Self-acceptance is a basic prerequisite for being able to recognize, accept and express our emotions. 4. I consciously commit myself to empowering you in every way and helping you manifest your latent potential. Many relationships become antagonistic and competitive in which each tries to be better or more right than the other. This is a result of our self-doubt and our need to verify our self-worth by being more right, more capable or more successful than the other. This leads to jealousy and an inability to support or empower the other in his or her efforts. We fear the other?s success and power. By committing ourselves to this ideal, we free ourselves from this unfortunate situation. We help the other to blossom and enjoy his or her successes. We help and support each other in our goals and efforts and rejoice in our successes. 5. I consciously commit myself to taking 100% responsibility for the reality I create through my interpretations and projections. We usually seek to blame others for our unhappiness or mistakes. We find it difficult to accept responsibility for what we feel and create in our lives. We seek to avoid accepting our own failings and mistakes. This commitment is perhaps one of the most difficult to employ. We now need to take full responsibility for every emotion we feel and every reality we create. The truth behind this fact may be difficult to understand at first. We have come to believe that our feelings are created by what others do and what happens in our lives. The reality, however, is that what others do or say or what happens are only the stimuli that trigger our programmings and beliefs. Our beliefs create our emotions. We interpret events according to what we believe about ourselves and others. Those interpretations create our emotional reality. One of us may interpret what is happening as threatening or demeaning, while another may see it as positive or pleasant, and still another may feel indifferent. For example, someone burping at a meal would be considered rude and inconsiderate to a European, whereas an Arab might consider it a compliment to how good the meal was. An Indian might not even hear it, as it is considered simply a natural bodily function. Who is right? Each creates a different reality with the same stimulus or event. Only we can create a new reality for ourselves. We can do so by discovering and transforming the beliefs and attachments that are creating our unhappiness. A relationship is an ideal school for this process. Details on how this can be done are given in the book Psychology of Happiness. 6. I consciously commit myself to being happy with you in this relationship. The possibility that we might not want to be happy may seem strange at first, but detailed examination will show that we usually cannot stand too much happiness for a long period of time. We have been programmed to believe that after happiness there will be pain. There are even phrases we use to avoid attracting problems when we admit that things are actually going well. We say, "Knock on wood, everything is fine." Secondly, many of us are in the role of the victim, "poor me," and therefore cannot admit to feeling happiness or else we could no longer be "poor me?s". We also need to complain, criticize and blame in order to establish our self-worth. How can we do that if we admit we are happy and that everything is fine? There is also a fear of the unknown, of appearing silly or of not being serious. Often when one is very high and happy, the other becomes serious, thus bringing him or her "down" to being a serious adult. Some might also fear the intensity of emotions that occur when we are both very happy, admitting it and allowing ourselves to laugh and play and enjoy each other as two young children. We manage to avoid high states of energy and happiness in some of the following ways: a. We are unable to accept or hear positive messages from others. We discard what they say as simply having nothing to do with us. b. We remain attached to the past or future, and seldom experience the present moment. c. We cultivate worrisome thoughts that make us unhappy. We think of everything that has gone wrong or could go wrong. d. We criticize and reject ourselves and others. e. We create arguments or conflicts to destroy our happiness. f. We unconsciously lock into various matters or situations to avoid experiencing the happiness of the present. g. We avoid and conceal our feelings, both positive ad negative. h. We do things we know will upset the other, i.e. being late, ignoring our agreements, etc. Some ways in which we can start to get used to being happy and having high energy with someone are: a. We can learn to give space to the other to be alone when he or she needs it, and can take our own space when we need it. b. We can tell the truth and hide nothing in. Withholding the truth dulls the relationship. c. We can use deep breathing and dance to help free up our energy. d. We can hold, hug, caress, touch, massage and show affection to significantly increase our energy level. e. We can learn to express our needs rather than complain. f. The ultimate solution is to allow our beliefs to evolve and realize that we are expressions of divinity and that we have every right to happiness and creative ecstasy. g. We can realize that the key to happiness is to love and accept ourselves and others as we are, and accept the fact that we deserve happiness. 7. I consciously commit myself to learning to love you and myself unconditionally. As you probably have understood, this is the foundation of any conscious love relationship. The subject of accepting others is discussed in a previous chapter, while the subject of accepting ourselves is discussed in The Psychology of Happiness 8. I consciously commit myself to learning to feel and share my emotions with you without blaming you, and to listen to your emotions without taking them personally. Many of us have lost the ability to know and express what we feel. This becomes a major obstacle in our exchange of love and energy. Being cut off from our real feelings, we also cut the other off from important parts of our being. Another problem is that, not knowing what we really feel, we confront the other with the wrong emotions, which confuse him and create unnecessary conflicts. For example, a man who does not recognize his fear expresses anger, and his wife feels abused and hurt because she has done nothing to warrant his anger. His wife may not be able to accept her anger or sexual feelings, and thus goes into depression, something he cannot understand because she has "everything she needs" to be happy. These problems cannot be solved until we are able to identify what feel and express it. Of course, we want to take responsibility for what we feel so that, when we share it with the other, we do not blame or criticize, but simply inform him or her about what is going on within us. How can we begin to know what we are feeling? a. We can take time, be still and begin to feel what is going on inside the body. b. We allow our consciousness to flow into the various parts of the body and notice where we hold tension. Tension is a sign of pent up emotions. c. We then go deeper and feel the emotions behind those superficial ones. For example, we might feel anger, and below that, hurt or fear that causes the anger. d. We can then get in touch with the needs and beliefs that are creating those feelings. e. We then accept and take responsibility for the feelings we are creating. f. While accepting the part of ourselves that feels that way, we can also mentally send love and light to that part of our being, physical and mental. g. Allow this love and light to heal that part of our being. h. We then share our feelings, needs and beliefs with the other without criticism or blame. 9. I consciously commit myself to being self sufficient and whole unto myself. We often mistake love with attachment, fear, need and dependency. Love comes from strength and the assurance that we will be fine with or without the other. Only then can our love be pure and free from need or fear. The moment we need something from the other, and he or she cannot give that to us, our security and love are diminished, especially if we believe the other could and should give this to us. When we need something from the other, we tend to change who we are in order to get what we need, perhaps playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim, or aloof. These roles are the opposite of love and truth. Only when we are independent can we really love unconditionally. We will be with the other because out of choice and not out of fear, loneliness or emptiness. One part of experiencing our self-sufficiency within a relationship is to recognize our mutual needs to be alone occasionally. This is often taboo in many relationships. Some programmings that make this unthinkable are: 1. If she really loved me, she would not want to be alone or want to do something by herself or with others. 2. If I want time for myself, I am a bad partner. 3. A couple that does not do everything together is not in love. Shakespeare has written, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." We begin to appreciate our loved one even more after a little space from him or her. It is true, however, that being apart can also be an excuse for people who are afraid of getting close to the other. It may be a form of avoidance or even revenge. Thus, we must have discrimination. Too much absence may starve a relationship, and too little make suffocate it. Some indications that we need some space might be the following: 1. Avoiding contact with our partner. 2. Avoiding eye contact. 3. Watching too much TV or being otherwise occupied. 4. Not paying attention to what the other is saying. 5. Being preoccupied with our work or other activities. 6. Ensuring that others will be continuously around us. 7. Criticizing, blaming or arguing frequently. If we find ourselves engaging in these types of behavior, we may need to discuss this with our partner to see how we can both renew ourselves, so we can be more positive and attentive when we are together. A few hours of attentive contact will give us much more pleasure than days of being together while being closed into ourselves. 10. I consciously commit myself to keeping my agreements with you. There is no surer way to lose someone?s trust than to ignore agreements and promises. This is an absolute in any conscious love relationship. It is better to avoid making agreements we may not be able to keep. When we have made a promise that we see will be difficult to manifest, it is better to discuss this with the other rather than ignore it. In cases where we observe that we are frequently delinquent in keeping our agreements, we may want analyze what subconscious programming may be obstructing us. a. We may fear losing our freedom. b. We may have negative feelings toward the other. c. We may be testing the other?s love. d. We may have adopted the role of the bad boy or girl and are keeping up our reputation. e. We may have needs we are unable to admit to the other, and thus make agreements that our needs then prevent us from keeping. 11. I consciously commit myself to learning to communicate effectively This method of communication is discussed other chapters. 12. I consciously commit myself to cultivating my relationships with god. Our relationship with the Divine is a tremendous source of inner security and inner strength that will allow us to love the other without being dependent upon him or her. We can take from our inner relationship with God and be in a position to give to others without needing something in return. This very important aspect of self-transformation will not be discussed in this book. It is extensively presented in the books Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation. All of these aspects of creating a healthy conscious love relationship will be investigated further as we proceed. Top of Page ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHAPTER 18 MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN Today we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents, teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest and sincere communication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and happy individuals. Some of the basic concepts of communication expressed in earlier chapters are repeated here with emphasis on communication with children. THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION The guidelines for effective communication with children are, of course, the same as those for communication between all human beings. The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do to others as you would like others to do to you". So we simply need to ask, "how we would like others to communicate with us?" Here are some thoughts: 1. We would all like honesty from all who communicate with us. No one likes being told lies. Nor do we like people to make up stories and excuses. We would like to hear the truth about what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. We feel safer, more able to cope with any situation when we know what we are dealing with. The same holds for our children. When we tell them lies, they feel insecure and distrustful of the world around them. They learn to tell lies. There can be no communication in such a case. Although the truth might not always be the easiest response, it is always the "soul- ution" 2. We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who is communicating with us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it will simply be done this way and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it that way because I said so, because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we will not feel very happy. We will feel that the other has no interest in our needs or feelings. We will feel that he or she is not respecting us. This is the way our children feel when we give orders or make statements without explaining the reasons behind them. No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannot grasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremely important. 3. Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect both ourselves and the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress that which we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also means that we do not shout at, criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would not like to be talked to in this way. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerable to shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriously undermined. Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their early years they will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize, blame, demean or speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, this lack of respect will then be returned to us. 4. We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us, accepts us. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do or believe. We can accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditional acceptance is essential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other is going to get angry, reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her, then we will likely not communicate at all with that person. This is a situation children get into frequently. When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling us what they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say will be criticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say. They may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independence and rejection of our beliefs. Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or the other may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talking about accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. This distinction is important. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning a particular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child. 5. Our children look for consistency from their elders. We have discussed this in the previous chapter. When there is no consistency between words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because words have no meaning they are empty. 6. Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. We do not like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow us a chance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when we speak and the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learn to listen more. Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries and problems. If we are not capable of listening properly our children will close up and / or find someone else to talk with. HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basic categories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those who suppress the others by raising their voices, blaming and criticizing the others, ordering them around in various ways. The first group of self-suppressors eventually develops various physical and psychological problems, through the suppression of their needs, emotions and beliefs. The second group may manage to get what they want from the others, but they also cause the others to develop feelings of resentment towards them. Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative? There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppress our feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming the other in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neither speak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as two mature adults, who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities. This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children for our unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worth and self-love. SELF-ANALYSIS Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we are feeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious (usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could be called a "programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what is happening. What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, and conclusions. These affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect how we act towards our children and others. We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling that way, so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effective communication - the truth. Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simply have not yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discover why we are feeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings and beliefs to see whether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habits and fears which we have been programmed into us and which are causing us to mechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto our children. There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventually there is revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come into conflict with the forces of change and evolution which are working through our children. The result is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt our children?s beliefs or ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine our programmings, needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid, fair and practical. EMOTIONS ARE THE RESULT OF OUR INTERPRETATIONS OF REALITY Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in the world. How we feel is a function of how we interpret the world and events around us. Each person, observing the same event, will feel differently depending on his or her childhood programming, expectations, attachments and fears. No two people will feel exactly the same while observing the same event, or receiving the same stimulus. What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate what we feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They are transmitted like radar to those around us without words or expression. We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection to our children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is not truthful communication. Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feel anger. But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for our unhappiness. We use phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid", "you will not do anything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are driving me crazy". "you are making me ill.". These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children and are programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words come true. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true. No matter how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed in believing that they is okay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt their worth, Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that the other is responsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations are responsible for how we feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret the events around us. "You-messages" are destructive to our children?s self-image and close the door to open communication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way but we will lose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A more effective method of communication is called the "I-message". "I - MESSAGES" We learned in previous chapters that in the I-message we explain to the child what we are really feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments that create those feelings within us. We communicate: 1. The various emotions which we are having. 2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions. 3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism. 4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way. 5. What we need and are asking from the child. (Perhaps some help or behavior change.) 6. Then we ask the child to explain how he or she feels and we exercise active listening. Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the event which is perceived by the parents? senses. Let us examine some of the emotions, which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis. Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he or she needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he or she needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him or her from using his or her abilities to a greater extent. Rejection or harsh words will only make the child react more negatively or close into himself or herself. I-MESSAGES ABOUT LOW GRADES So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind? 1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world. A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child?s future and failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world. Thus his or her "I-message" would be something like this, "John, I would like to talk with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating? With this kind of "I-message" which leads into active listening in which we help the child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he or she will not need to react negatively or close up. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest, effective communication. At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Does this theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy and healthy? Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved? Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot at school. Does that mean that he or she can think, analyze and communicate with people? Does that mean that he or she is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors that may help our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our child?s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child may have. When we worry and pressure our children on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict that takes place. In general, the most creative and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system. 2. A second belief a parent may have is that "I am successful if my child is successful and unsuccessful if my child fails." In this case we might explain this programming to the child. But do we have the right to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior that simply fulfils our subjective programmings and expectations? Why should our children be forced to fulfil our expectations so that we can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a completely different road, to have other experiences that have nothing to do with our expectations or our definition of success. We may be defining success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now our child be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child that does know. It is better for our children to decide what they want to do with their lives. Their inner voice will guide them sooner or later to the role that they as souls have come to play on earth. If we believe that we are successful if our children are successful we need to examine the difference between efforts and results. As parents our responsible for our efforts and motives. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although they treat the different children much in the same way, they react in completely differently. It seems that each child brings with him or her some already developed traits, which are independent of their childhood programmings. How we behave towards our children and how we live our lives are extremely important factors in our children?s character development. But they are not the only factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with our children. We only evaluate our motives and efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always done what we have thought at that time was best for our children (regardless of whether today we see that we might have made other choices). Have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had at every moment in the past? Clarifying this point this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and will free us from the need to force our children to succeed in our terms, so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great weight for our children to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have no right to place it on them. 3. Another belief, cause a parent feel upset with the news of the low grades is, "I must have the others? acceptance, recognition and respect in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love". If we need recognition from friends and society through our children?s performance at school, then we will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at them for putting us in that position. If we in such a case express only our anger and accuse them of being failures and useless, then we not being truthful. We are not expressing our real feelings, which came before the anger. Something that we need to understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear, insecurity, hurt or guilt. When we are angry we can be sure that somewhere behind that anger we fear something. It may be difficult to find but it is, without doubt, there. Take the present example. We might have any of the following fears. 1. Fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours do. 2. Fear of failing in the role of the parent. 3. Fear about the child?s future of the child. 4. Fear of losing control over the child. 5. Fear of our belief system and expectations being rejected. These fears cause us to feel anger. Thus, the "you- message" to our children that they are no good, is not the complete truth. We need to analyze our own needs for affirmation and approval from others, our doubt about our abilities as a parent and the various other emotions, which we may have had before we felt anger. The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that we have difficulty perceiving these emotions which hide behind and create our anger. In such cases keeping a diary is essential. We can take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. We can analyze the programmings or beliefs that are causing these emotions. In this way we will gradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given The Psychology or Happiness.) We can see that a great part of effective communication is analyzing ourselves. Without this we cannot communicate honestly. ACTIVE LISTENING Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him or her to use his or her mental abilities to their full potential. The problem could have to do with conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school, disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities. In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us look again at some brief guidelines for active listening. 1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yet discovered. 2) Look into the other?s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him or her know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he or she is saying. 3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. It is extremely important not to criticize or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the other?s flow with criticism or rejection. 4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling. These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he or she feels, and what is going on in his or her life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some of us in the beginning. It is not easy, but those who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results. In some cases where we might be performing this technique mechanically, the others may be surprised and react negatively, especially if they have learned to receive continual criticism. But if we persist to show interest, and stop criticizing, at some point the child will open up. We must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach the other. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something which he or she does not want to. Eventually the need to come close to us will help him or her to open to us. 5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the other?s communication is correct. This technique is used by most psychologists to help a person open up and get clarity about what he or she is feeling. We simply repeat back to our children what they are telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we have understood what they are saying, and helps them to feel that we are accepting what they is saying. If they feel that we have not understood, they will try to explain to us in a different way. This will help all to become clearer about what is bothering each. These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication. Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, we suggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek out seminars which teach these methods with practical workshops. Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find various examples of effective communication for various situations with children. A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job, which he agreed to do. What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. An I-message in this case might be something like this: "My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean. "I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously, I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room". The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, "How do you feel what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to talk about it?" Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors that have prevented him from cleaning up his room. "From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of tension between us?" I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, "My child will never understand these explanations". My personal experience is that any child over two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the parent?s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent. THE BLARING STEREO A child is playing her CD?s so loud that the parents in the next room cannot communicate with one another. An angry parent may likely say, "Can?t you be more considerate of others? Are you deaf? Why do you play that so loud?" Would we talk that way to our neighbors if they were playing the music that loud? Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss or our friends? Do we have the right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us? Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music loudly (especially if he is physically bigger than you are). Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other?s feelings. An example in this case might be as follows: "Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you. "On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing your music. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear each other because of the music. "I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ?m afraid that the loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace". Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels about that message. "How do you feel about what I ?m asking you to do? Do you feel suppressed or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me your feelings". This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained. Although we feel great love for our children, we are often unable to communicate that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children. A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using "filthy" language. What might be the parents? reaction? One might be, "Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrass your parents with your filthy mouth". Another would be to simply punish the child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the child?s image of himself by criticizing him for his various mistakes and faults in general. All of these express to some extent the feelings that we may have. But they are not effective communication, because they do not express all our feelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what the child?s problem is in reality. Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem or a need for attention or recognition. When we focus only on our own embarrassment and fear, and ignore what might be going on in the child at this time, we lose contact with the child. The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces, which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet for some inner tension or resentment or an attempt for attention or recognition. We would do better to discuss our feelings about the situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that we may discover what is going on in the child?s mind. A possible communication might be something like this: "George, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand. "Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that |