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Dear Friend,

May this find you well and happy.

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This is Part 1 of your 34 segment weekly email course which you requested on "Overcoming Fear."

You can find more on this subject in the book "Relationships of Conscious Love» which you can order as an ebook (pdf file) at http:HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp.

May you enjoy and benefit from them.

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Getting Along with Aloof Persons
Robert Elias Najemy
LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING WITH "ALOOFS"
In the role of the aloof we distance ourselves from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact. In this way, we are less likely to be hurt or controlled by people’s negative emotions, requests or demands.
1. We hide to protect ourselves from the intimidator’s attack, the interrogator’s inquisition and the victim’s complaints.
2. In addition to protecting ourselves by distancing ourselves, and not expressing much, either positively or negatively, we also gain self-worth by making others seek out contact with us.
Some aloofs are secretly hoping that someone will approach them and secretly desire their attention. They secretly desire attention but cannot get free from the role enough to approach others. The approached receives energy and affirmation from the one who approaches seeking his or her company.
While the victim controls others through their feelings of responsibility and guilt, the Aloof controls others through their need for contact with or attention from him as he denies his attention and emotional exchange.
We can help ourselves and the "aloofs" in our lives by freeing ourselves from the idea that they are not communicating with us because we are not okay. We can, of course, ask them and give them a chance to tell us if we have done something, which has hurt them. If they refuse to share with us what is bothering them, then perhaps it is best to allow them to have responsibility for the reality they are creating for themselves.
Emotions we might have when dealing with "aloofs" and some affirmations which might help us.
We are looking to discover the emotions which:
1. Cause us to get lost in an unfruitful quest for their attention ( be controlled by them).
2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.
Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the aloof. Under each emotion is a possible affirmation to use for that.
1. Rejection (ignored) because they do not pay any attention to us or share with us their feelings and thoughts.
Even though until now I felt rejection (ignored) when (name of person)____didn’t communicate (share, open up) with me, I now loving allow him/her space and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
2. Loneliness (alienated) because we cannot share with them.
Even though until now I felt lonely (alienated) when (name of person)____didn’t communicate (share, open up) with me, I now loving allow him/her space and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
3. Fear (guilt) that we have done something wrong.
Even though until now I felt fear (guilt) that I have done something wrong when (name of person)____didn’t communicate (share, open up) with me, I now loving allow him/her space and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
4. Unloved because they do not show us love.
Even though until now I felt unloved when (name of person)____didn’t express his/her love the way I want, I now loving allow him/her space and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
5. Hurt (Injustice) because I am giving but not taking what I need.
Even though until now I felt hurt (injustice) when (name of person)____didn’t give me what I needed, I now loving allow him/her space and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
6. Frustration and anger because this person is not giving me what I need in this relationship.

Even though until now I felt frustration (anger) when (name of person)____didn’t give me what I needed, I now accept him/her as he/she is and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
A possible ideal way of interacting with an "aloof"
I would like to remember that he has a problem and is closed up because he fears being open. I want also to remember that I am not to blame for this reaction and that I am worthy and safe and can solve my problems even if he never opens up.
I will stop pressuring him and give him space to be alone so that he will gradually begin to feel his own need for contact with me.
I will explain to him that I need and want more communication but that I see the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it.
I will also explain that I will be overjoyed if he would approach me when he feels the need to communicate more deeply, but that, until that time, I am going to start taking responsibility for my needs and my life.
I am going to stop feeling that I am to blame for his silence and am going to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me and give meaning to my life. I will also explain that I would be very happy for him to partake in any of those activities with me, should he wish.
I am going to stop waiting for him to open up and will start paying attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning and growth process. I have so many other things in my life that can give me happiness. And when he is in the mood, I will enjoy my communication with him.
Possible positive beliefs
These beliefs will allow us to have harmonious relationships with those who play the role of the aloof person.

a. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
b. I am not responsible for the other’s silence.
c. He loves me and cares for me even if he cannot express it.
d. His aloofness is a result of his fears and anxieties.
e. Giving him his freedom and space, is the best way to allow his opening.
f. He is not my only source of happiness in life.
g. My self-worth is not dependent on his ability to open to me or not.
h. I can be fulfilled within myself even without someone to communicate with.
i. I can fulfill my needs by communicating with God daily.
j. I have many good friends and family members with whom to communicate.
k. Being loving, allowing his freedom and accepting him as he is, are the best ways to encourage his opening.
A possible I-message to a Aloof
We can then communicate with them perhaps something like this.
"Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine.
"There are times in which you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you do not love me any more.
"I also get into thinking that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me so as to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self-worth as a spouse (or perhaps parent or other role).
"When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and others you do not. When you do not, I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.
"I now realize that it doesn’t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you.
"And if, in fact, I have done or do something which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear it.
"I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply.
"Do you have anything you would like to tell me now?"

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If you like what you are reading, you will©definetly want to get the book <B>Relationships of Conscious Love</B> by Robert Elias Najemy, which can be downloaded as an ebook pdf file or ordered from http://HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp
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