THE BELIEFS WHICH OBSTRUCT OUR LOVE
Having become aware of when we lose our love, we are now ready to discover why. They answer is to be found in our beliefs and emotions and especially in our fears. We lose our love when we fear. We fear when we believe that we are in danger of someone important to us in danger.

In each of the above situations in which we lose our fear, we need now to understand the following:

1. What do I believe which causes me to lose my love and unity with that person when he r she behaves in that way?

2. What do I fear which causes me to close up and become defensive?

Our fears usually have to do with our basic needs, which are security, pleasure, affirmation and freedom. In most cases we lose our love when we interpret that the other’s behavior is putting into danger our security, pleasure, self-worth or freedom.

Perhaps some example answers to the above questionnaire will help understand the beliefs, which obstruct our love in those situations. These are only possibilities and the reason any one specific person loses his or her love may differ from the answers given. After each situation in which we lose our love, we are supplying a list of possible beliefs, which cause us to lose our love in those situations.

1. When others are different, or from another group or some specific grouping.

a. Whatever is different is wrong and dangerous.
b. There is only one right or correct way and if the other is right or good then I must be wrong or evil. Thus the other must be wrong, because I am right.
c. I am safe only when I belong to a group. Those who are not in my group and not good, right and I should not love them.
d. I must not love those who are different or wrong.

2. When the others do not agree with me. When they believe and express different opinions, or reject mine.
a. There is only one right. If the others are right then I am wrong. Thus they must not be right so I can be right.
b. I am right and worthy when others agree with me, otherwise I am not sure of myself.
c. The other’s disagreement puts my self-worth in danger.
d. If the other does not agree with me, then I am not worthy.

3. When they criticize me, or persons, or groups important to me.

a. My self-worth depends on how others perceive me. If they criticize me, then I lose my self-worth and others will not love me or want to be with me.
b. My self-worth is dependent on the people with whom I am identified (family, children). If they are not accepted, then I am not worthy.

4. When others obstruct me or persons important to me, from fulfilling important needs i.e.. Food, shelter, sex, work, sleep, money, vacations, meditation, the others' approval and esteem.

a. I must have what I want in order to be happy.
b. The others are to blame for the fact that I do not have what I want/need.
c. I am in danger of not getting what I want if the others obstruct me.

5. When my energy is low or I am not feeling well.
a. I must protect my energy from the others.
b. The others will tire me; they will take my energy.
(Low energy levels cause us to be more vulnerable to others’ negativity.)

6. When others harm me or important others physically, or hurt us emotionally.
a. Others create my reality.
b. The others are to blame for what happens to me.

7. When I have personal problems which occupy much of my energy and mental resources.
a. I must solve my problems before I can love others.
b. I must be interested in myself and not in others.
(I do not have the motive or energy to think about others.)

8. When others do not live up to my expectations, or do not function as I would like them to. (especially children, spouses, siblings and parents.)
a. The others must function as I believe in order for me to feel secure.
b. I am worthy only when those with whom I am identified (family) are "as they should be".

9. When I do not love and accept myself.
(When we do not love ourselves, we feel the need to compete with others for self-worth, security and power. IN such a situation it is obviously difficult to love.)

10. When I feel guilt or fear
a. I am not worthy, I am not good, and I do not deserve love.
b. I am in danger if I love or come close to others.

If we are affected by these or other beliefs, we will need to transform them in order to love purely and steadily. In general we need to develop feelings of self-esteem, self-confidence and inner fulfillment. When we have developed these, we will feel much more secure within ourselves and will be able to love others regardless of their behavior.
In reality we can love purely only when we are free from need, only when we do not need anything from the other. Then no matter what the other does, we can love him or her. This may seem to contradict what we have thought until now, but observation will show that it is true. Need and fear are the enemies of pure love.
Every time we feel hurt or angry, it is not because we love, but because we are not getting what we want. There is not need to be ashamed of this. This is our human condition. It is, however, something that we can change. We can begin to understand and transcend our fears and love purely.
If you are interested in discovering even more about your own feelings concerning love, you might want to do the exercise after this chapter called "THE INNER RESEARCH TECHNIQUE AND WRITTEN AFFIRMATIONS".
To be Continued
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Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books, which have sold over 100,000 copies.
He is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Greece with 3700 members.
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