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Dear Friend,
May this find you well and happy. ********************************* This is Part 14 of your 18 segment weekly email course which you requested on "Understanding and Managing Emotions". For much more on this subject we suggest the book "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Elias Najemy which can be found as pdf ebooks at http://HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp and also in your booksores, at Amazon.com or for 40% discount at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html May you enjoy it and benefit from it. ********************************** ANGER - HATE - RAGE Robert Elias Najemy Rage is an advanced form of anger, just as panic is to fear, a state in which we are even less in control of our words and behavior. Hate is a condition in which we think very badly of someone, avoid contact with him, and probably wish the worst for him, perhaps even hoping that he might experience a tragedy. All three of these emotions, which from here on in we will simply call "anger", are secondary emotions in the sense that they arise from other emotions, such as hurt, fear, guilt, injustice, disappointment, etc. In general we are controlled by two beliefs here: 1. We believe we must have something that the other is obstructing us from having. This could be anything from sleep, food and shelter, to our peace of mind, our spouse or other persons to whom we are attached. 2. We believe this person toward whom we feel this anger is responsible for our reality. We believe that if it were not for him or her, we would not be unhappy. He or she is "responsible" for our pain and unhappiness. Anger can also be a starting point for major change for an individual, or even an entire society. Anger can be a source of energy and dedication toward transforming the negative and unjust circumstances around us. Many of us first need to learn to acknowledge, accept and express our anger before we can regain our self-esteem and empowerment. (We need not vent our anger toward others. We can learn nonviolent ways to express this energy. There are various catharsis techniques for this, which have nothing to do with others.) Also, there are some cases in which we may need to express anger in order to get a result for which we are responsible. This can be done, however, without demeaning or hurting the other. Hate, on the other hand, is based on weakness and has few redeeming qualities. A strong person seldom hates. Thus, we are not interested in suppressing our anger, but rather in recognizing it, accepting it, expressing it in non harmful ways, understanding it and focusing its energy in positive directions toward self empowerment and social change. Here is a brief list of some common reasons we might feel anger towards someone: (You may want to check those which tend to bother you.) 1. When others do not agree with us. 2. When they do not understand us. 3. When they obstruct us from satisfying our needs. (A need could be psychological, such as the need for acceptance, respect or self-esteem) 4. When they do not respect us. 5. When they think they are superior. 6. When they try to control or suppress us. 7. When they criticize us. 8. When they tell lies or gossip about us. 9. When they harm us or someone close to us. 10. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives. 11. When they are negative, complaining, whining, criticizing etc. 12. When they think they know it all. 13. When they give us advice we have not asked for. 14. When they play the role of the victim, the "poor me," and want attention. 15. When they do not take care of themselves or carry their share of the load. 16. When they make mistakes. 17. When they do not keep their promises or appointments. 18. When they are weak and dependent. 19. When they act in an egotistical and selfish ways, disregarding our or others¹ needs 20. When they use us or others. 21. When they are cold and insensitive. 22. When they are not responsible to their word or responsibilities 23. When they are lazy. 24. When they ignore our needs. 25. When they reject us. Other reasons____________________________ It would be interesting to go through the same list replacing the word "they" with the word "I," making the analogous changes in the wording, so as to determine when we get angry with ourselves. This exercise may also reveal that some of the anger we feel toward others is actually a projection of anger that we feel toward ourselves. If we could understand and accept ourselves in those situations, we might also understand and accept others. Positive alternatives to anger or hate could be: 7. We can understand the others¹ weaknesses and negative traits. We all have faults and moments in which we are not conscious, loving or respectful of others. 8. If we have faith that nothing happens by chance and that life gives exactly what we need at every moment for our growth process, we will be able to take responsibility for what is happening and stop blaming the other. 9. We need to realize that we are the sole creators of our reality and that we are attracting from life and others whatever corresponds with what we feel and think within ourselves and with whatever we have to learn. 10. We can direct our energy toward changing or correcting that, which makes us angry. 11. We can recognize and understand our own weaknesses and negative traits and thus develop understanding for others¹ weaknesses. 6. We can learn forgiveness and love others and ourselves as we are. Understanding Our Anger, Hate and Rage This is a part of a series of articles with questions, which will help us understand our emotions and how we can free ourselves from unwanted ones. Some questions, which may help here are: 1. "Which are the situations in which you feel anger?" 2. " What is it exactly that the others do, which makes you feel this way?" 3. " What do you want which these persons are preventing you from having in these situations?" What is it that you want to have which is important to you and you are getting angry because the other is preventing you from having it?" 4. "Why is that so important to you?" "If you do not get it or keep it, what will happen?" 5. "What are your basic needs and attachments here which are making you suffer?" 6. "What do you fear will happen if things do not happen the way you want them to?" 7. "And if that happens?" 8. "Do you believe that the others are responsible for your feelings or your reality?" "Would you like to take responsibility for creating your own feelings?" 9. Does your anger have anything to do with your doubts about your self-worth or feelings of self-rejection or guilt? Can you see any relationship?" If yes what?" 10. "Does your anger have anything to do with fears or insecurity?" If yes, what" 11. "Do you get angry when you feel others are limiting your freedom?" When and why?" 12. Do you get angry at yourself?" For what reasons?" 13. "Are there any similarities between the reasons why you reject or get angry with yourself and with others? If so which? "If so, what do you want to do about this?" 14. "Do you want to be free from your anger?" If yes, why? If yes, what are the negative effects of anger on your life - health - relationships, - peace of mind etc.?" 15. If you answered no to the previous question, why to you prefer to keep your anger? What do you gain by being angry? a. Perhaps you get a feeling of self-righteousness or of being right and thus the other is wrong and you are okay?" b. Or perhaps you feel that no one will pay any attention to you if you are not angry. c. Or that others must be punished for their wrongs and it is your responsibility to correct them?" d. Or something else?" 16. "Do you believe that life is a process of growth and that we have lessons to learn?" If yes, then what lesson do you need to learn here?" 17. "What exactly do you need from the others?" What do you want from them? 18. Have you expressed clearly to the others what you need from them, without accusing or blaming them?" If not, What would you like to express?" We now need to learn to express our needs and beliefs as I-messages, without attacking, or seeking to hurt or demean the other. Because this often means revealing our own weakness, something which angry people often cannot do, we will need to develop the honesty and self-acceptance to tell the truth. Now you may like to describe how you would like to think, feel and respond in future situations. You may find it more powerful to write your description in the present tense as if it is already a reality. For more on dealing with emotions you might want to check out these sources: http://www.holisticharmony.com/eft/index.asp http://www.holisticharmony.com/ezines/index.asp http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/research/emotions.html http://www.emofree.com ************************************ If you like what you are reading, you willãdefinetly want to get the book The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy, which can be downloaded as an ebook pdf file or ordered from http://HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp ******************************** B> ********* Membership is free and you can access 600 articles, chapters and ebooks for free.Become a Member********* Our Free ezine Claritygreater health, happiness and harmonious relationships. 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