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Dear Friend,
May this find you well and happy. ********************************* This is Part 7 of your 15 segment weekly email course which you requested on "Codependency and Cocommitment". These from the "Relationships of Conscious Love" which we suggest you order as an ebook (pdf file) at http:HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp. May you enjoy and benefit from it. ********************************** THE QUESTION OF RESPONSIBILITY IN RELATIONSHIPS Many negative emotions are the result of confusion concerning "who is responsible for whose reality". If we believe that others are responsible for our reality and how we feel, then when they do not "create" our reality as we want it to be, or do not give us what we want, we feel hurt, bitter, disillusioned, powerless, fearful, resentful, angry, and even hate When we believe that we are responsible for their reality, and we are not able to make them happy, healthy, successful or satisfied, we feel failure, self-rejection, shame, and guilt. We might even feel anger towards them when they do not cooperate with us to create the reality we believe they must have in order to feel that we are successful and thus worthy as parents, teachers, saviors, healers etc. Both beliefs create codependence, resulting in conflicts in our relationships, while simultaneously preventing both parties from maturing emotionally. Below you will find a list of beliefs which create such situations. We use the phraseology "holding the keys" to the others¹ happiness etc., as well as, "giving them the keys" to our self-worth etc. in order to create a more visual and concrete way of working with this problem. Later we will refer to the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS or THE PUTTING ORDER TO THE KEYS. This means that we return the keys of responsibility, which belong to the others, and take back the keys to our responsibilities. If this is not clear here, it gradually will be. ________________________________________ BELIEFS WHICH CAUSE CODEPENDENCY 1. I am responsible for the others¹ reality; for their safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction etc. This leads us to believe that we are holding the keys to the others¹ safety, happiness, health, success, and satisfaction. We then believe that we are failures if the others are not well. We also become angry with them when they do not cooperate in creating their own wellbeing - which we need in order to feel worthy. 2. Others are incapable, unable, without inner guidance or the ability to manage their lives properly. They need me. We then believe that we hold the keys to their safety, happiness, satisfaction, success etc. We believe that they cannot be okay or proceed in life without our guidance and effort. We undermine their self-confidence and self-worth and wear our selves down doing for others much of what they can do for themselves. We obstruct their growth and strength. 3. If the others are not well, happy, successful, satisfied etc. then I am a failure. I am holding the keys to their happiness, success etc. They then also hold the keys to my self-worth. In such cases we get into a vicious circle with the others seeking to pressure them to live their lives in a way which we believe will make them happy and well. We do this, however, not only out of love, but also out of our need to affirm our self-worth. 4. If the others are not well or satisfied etc. then I am not worthy. I give the keys to my self worth to the others because I am "responsible for" (holding the keys to) their well being or satisfaction. I feel worthy only when they are well or satisfied. 5. If the other is not well or happy, then I do not have the right to be well or happy. I give the keys to my happiness and wellbeing to the other. I feel that I have the right to be happy or well only if he or she is. This does not help the other but just adds to the negativity in the environment. I remember a man once who expressed the need to be allowed to be not well and to express it, without his wife going to pieces. 6. If I love someone who is suffering, unhappy or not well, then I should not be able to be happy or well. We give him or her the keys to our happiness and wellbeing. We can help others much more effectively by being positive rather than becoming negative when they are not well. 7. My self-worth depends on what others think of me and on how satisfied they are with me. We give others the keys to our self-worth. We then lose our sense of who we are what we believe and what we want to do with our lives. We waste our lives seeking to be who we believe others want us to be. In the end we loose our happiness and are usually bitter that after all that self-suppression, we still are not getting from others the love and respect that we desire. 8. My self worth is dependent on how successful my efforts are towards health, happiness, material comfort, social acceptance, professional success etc. We give the keys to our self-worth to people, possessions and situations around me. This describes our state as a society in which each has lost the keys to his or her own happiness and is seeking to find it in "success". Happiness and success are often (not always) on the other side of the seesaw. 9. I cannot ______without the others: A. I cannot feel safe without the other(s). We give the keys to our feelings of security. B. I cannot feel socially accepted without the other(s). We give the keys to our self-worth. C. I cannot succeed without the other(s). We give the keys to our sense of power and ability. D. I cannot enjoy myself without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness. E. I cannot be sure what to do without the other(s). We give the keys to our inner guidance and wisdom. F. I cannot be happy without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness. 10. Others are responsible for my : A. Happiness. We give the keys to our happiness. B. Safety. We give the keys to our feelings of security. C. Satisfaction. We give the keys to our feelings of satisfaction. D. Success. We give the keys to our ability and intelligence. E. Health. We give the keys to our health. __________________________________ Continued ************************************ If you like what you are reading, you willãdefinetly want to get the book Relationships of Conscious Love by Robert Elias Najemy, which can be downloaded as an ebook pdf file or ordered from http://HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp ******************************** B> ********* Membership is free and you can access 600 articles, chapters and ebooks for free.Become a Member********* Our Free ezine Claritygreater health, happiness and harmonious relationships. Click to subscribe/unsubscribe to Clarity E-zine May you be well on all levels of your being. | |