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The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
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Feb 21, 2002 -- Circulation 1080 -- Issue # 9

Focus - C O M M U N I C A T I O N
R O L E S & C E L E S T I N E P R O P H E C Y

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IN THIS ISSUE - Focus on ROLES & CELESTINE PROPHECY

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Editorial - The Roles We Play With Each Other
1. Dealing with Interrogators
2. DEALING WITH INTIMIDATORS
3. Communicating With Those Who Play the Role of the Victim
4. DEALING WITH "ALOOF PERSONS"
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Editorial => Editorial - The Roles We Play With Each Other
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* T h e R o l e s W e P l a y W i t h E a c h O t h e r *

We and our loved ones may play a combination of roles in our attempts to get what we need from others. These games seriously diminish our happiness and harmony. When we use the words "playing these roles", we do not mean that we are consciously playing them but rather that they have become subconscious mechanical reactions which function automatically. In general we play these roles in order:
1. To protect our energy and gain more energy from others if we can.
2. To be able to control others and have their attention when we want.
3. To get what we want from others.
4. To affirm our self-worth and sense of security.
5. To protect our freedom to do what we want.
6. To prove that we are right.
7. To avoid being controlled by the other.
8. Out of habit and childhood programming.
The roles we play are often in response to the roles our loved ones play. And vice verse, the roles they play are usually mirroring our roles. For example, if we play the * Victim * the other may protect himself by playing the * Intimidator * so we do not get what we want. Or he or she may play the * Interrogator * so as to change the balance of power between us. A third may play the * Aloof * and protect him or her self by simply ignoring us.
If we play the * Interrogator *, the other may play the same role as we go on and on like lawyers, trying to prove the other wrong. Or he or she might play the * Victim * so we will stop. Another might become
* Aloof * and ignore us so as to find his or her peace. Or he or she might become an * Intimidator * to stop us.
If we play the * Intimidator *, the other may play the same role as we fight a battle to the death to see who will get his or her way. Or he or she may play the * Interrogator * and defuse our weapons by making us answer to his criticism. Another may play the * Victim * so that we will have mercy or feel guilty and stop. Again the * Aloof * will find his peace by ignoring us.
If we play the * Aloof *, the other may do the same and we will simply never communicate. More likely, however, he or she will play the
* Intimidator * or * Interrogator * in order to get our attention by addressing themselves to our fears and need for approval.
* Victims * may try to get our attention by playing on our guilt.
Below we share with your some ideas about how to deal with others when they play these roles. In a future issue we will discuss how we ourselves can cease playing these roles.
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1 1. Dealing with Interrogators
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* D e a l i n g w i t h I n t e r r o g a t o r s *

Robert Elias Najemy

Occasionally we are confronted by persons who play the role of the interrogator. Basic to dealing with "interrogators" is to understand why they function in this way and how we are affected by their attitude. It is also entirely possible that, at times, we too play this role.
1. In this role we control others by addressing ourselves to their need for our approval. We do this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness. We criticize how they have done something or question why they have done it in a particular way.
2. We get their attention and can control them by making them answer to our questions about what they are doing. We play the game of who is right or more knowledgeable.
If we want to free ourselves from the interrogators in our lives, we will need to get free from our need for their acceptance or approval. We will need self-acceptance and self-confidence.
*** I message to an Interrogator ***
One possible communication with an Interrogator could be the following.
"Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously in the position of answering to your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and doubting me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim. At others, I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.
"This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to attempt to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.
"Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.
"I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.
"How do you feel about this?"
Positive Beliefs
In order to make such a change in ourselves, we will need to strengthen the following beliefs.
a. My self-worth is independent of what others think.
b. My self-worth is also independent of the results of my efforts.
c. Interrogators doubt themselves and are simply trying to increase their own self-esteem.
d. I give them my attention in positive ways so that they do not need to resort to this way.
e. We can love each other even when we do not agree.
f. I am safe and loveable even when I do not prove that I am right.
g. I am totally safe and worthy even when others do not agree with me.
h. I am totally safe and worthy even when I make a mistake.
i. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, which I can admit it without losing my self-worth and others’ love.
j. Being right does not attract love, but love does.
k. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
A Possible Way of Reacting
Here is a description of a possible way in which we might react to an interrogator. (The use of the female pronoun is arbitrary - the interrogator could equally be a male)
I remember that my self-worth is not dependent on what she thinks. I also remember that she most likely acts like this, criticizing and trying to put me down, because she herself doubts her own self-worth. She needs affirmation and is seeking it by searching for my mistakes or getting me to pay attention to her and answer her questions. She probably simply needs attention.
I explain to her, that I respect her and her opinions but that I prefer not to get into this game in which she keeps doubting or criticizing and I am trying to prove that I am right.
I may not be always right; I do make mistakes as I am not perfect, and thus I think about what she has said and get back to her on the matter if it is important. But I do not continue this game with her.
We have totally different beliefs about some matters and still love each other unconditionally. I chose to love her without needing her approval or agreement on some matters and hope that she can do the same.
I explain that if she needs my attention or wants to communicate about something, then she can simply express that need, without criticizing.
We must also investigate the possibility that we have everything to gain from listening to the other’s comments or advice.

(Adapted from the forthcoming "Contemporary Parables" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at Amazon> and . His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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2 2. DEALING WITH INTIMIDATORS
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* D E A L I N G W I T H I N T I M I D A T O R S *

Robert Elias Najemy
At times, we are confronted by people who seek to intimidate us. This offensive behavior is most frequently a cover-up for their fear. Let us investigate why we play this role and how we can communicate with those who behave towards us in this way.
1. As intimidators we seek to control others by making them fear us. We keep them from requesting anything from us or controlling us in any way, by making them afraid to approach us. We do this by shouting, intimidating, accusing, threatening and perhaps even physical violence. We use other people’s fear and self-doubt to control them.
2. When we are in this defensive state we believe that the others are always wrong and, if they do not start shaping up, we have every right to punish them. We are simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad.
3. Another "advantage" of playing this role is that we never have to look at ourselves or change anything about ourselves, as "we are perfect" and the others are all wrong.
Now, some can combine the role of the victim and the intimidator and thus get the double benefit being right for two reasons. The misconception here is that whoever is the victim is right and whoever is angry is right.
Thus, in order to cope with the intimidators in our lives, we will need to overcome our fear. This fear has its basis in childhood when a shouting parent was a real threat for many reasons. First of all, there might be punishment and thus emotional or physical pain.
Secondly, all our security and survival were dependent on this person who was shouting and intimidating us.
Thirdly, if this person was shouting in such a belittling way, this must mean that we are wrong, evil, a bad child, and thus not worthy of love and respect.
Now, even as full grown adults, our subconscious reaction tends to be fear and self-doubt when someone shouts at or accuses or intimidates us. I have seen comic situations in which a small-sized woman intimidates a man twice her size with her threats.
*** I - message to an Intimidator ***
A possible communication with an intimidator might be the following.
"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens, I back down from confrontation with you. I retreat from confrontation suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self-respect, and feel injustice and then angry with you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.
"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect.
"I have decided to overcome my fear and be more honest with you. I am going to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.
"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.
"How do you feel about this idea?"
In addition to this communication, we also need to understand why we are attracting such behavior.
1. Are we too intimidators – where and with whom?
2. Do we fear intimidators and why?
3. Do we have a poor self-image, which allows them to behave in this way.
4. Is this a repetition of childhood experiences – are we used to and expecting this kind of behavior?
5. Are we doing something that is annoying the other? (Playing the victim, interrogator or the aloof?)
6. Are we rejecting this person in some way?
7. Do we feel guilty about something and thus are attracting this behavior?
8. Are we ignoring the other’s needs in some way?
9. Do we need to work on our relationships with our parents – because this issue has to do with them?
10. Do we need to learn to respect ourselves more and stand up in a loving but assertive way to this person?
11. Have we hurt this person in the past and thus perhaps need to ask forgiveness?
12. Are we suppressing – controlling this person – and they are seeking freedom in this way i.e. Adolescents.?
What is our lesson here?
Beliefs -affirmations which can free us from the control of Intimidators
1. I am safe and secure in every situation – regardless of this person’s behavior.
2. Nothing can ever happen to me, which is not exactly what I need for my spiritual growth.
3. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.
4. The other is unhappy and afraid, or else he or she would not be acting in this way.
5. Behind his or her angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.
6. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.
7. This behavior is a reflection an indication of the other’s problem and not of my self-worth.
8. I help others see themselves and grow by lovingly but assertively standing up to them.
Basically we need to remember our own inner security and self-worth as well as to perceive behind the intimidator’s threats, his or her fear and self-doubt. We will then be able to react with strength and loving assertiveness.
(Adapted from the forthcoming "Contemporary Parables" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/holisticharmo-20 and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html. His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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3 Article no. 3
Communicating With Those Who Play the Role of the Victim
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Communicating With Those Who Play the Role of the Victim

Robert Elias Najemy
The role of Victim (poor me) is a favorite with many of us. There are so many "benefits" we can ensure by playing the role of the victim.
1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done. Thus, the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, wrong in what they do and consequently we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us, who lack sufficient self-esteem, find this as a way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others’ wrong doings.
2. As victims we can play on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by appearing weak and abused.
3. When we want something from some one, we can play on their guilt, by making them feel responsible for our unhappiness or our problems.
4. We "as victims" are not responsible for our reality and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not as we would like them to be. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.
Thus, as victims, we gain what we want from the others, by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by believing that we are weak, incapable and in need of help.
When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that we are responsible for their reality or that we can create their happiness, health or success in life. We can love and support them with all heart, but we cannot create their happiness, health or success. Only they can do that.
We need to express our love to them in ways that they can feel it, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, effective communication and clarity of mind.
We need to help them find another way of getting what they need. Away free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.
When we serve someone a fish, we feed them once. When we teach them to fish, we feed them for a lifetime. Thus the greatest gift we can give is our faith in the other’s ability to solve his or her own problems.
A possible honest communication with a Victim might go something like this.
*** I message to a Victim ***
"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much and have been trying to create that for you. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot do that for you.
"I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.
"I now realize that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you when you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself. Also you often do not see how wonderful your life really is, because you frequently focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.
"Thus, I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should and without getting feeling guilty or getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.
I hope you will be able to feel my love in this change. This has nothing to do with my love for you, but about an unhealthy codependence, which has developed between us, in which I am seeking my own self-worth through your happiness and satisfaction.
"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"
There are of course situations in which someone may actually be unable to help themselves and sincerely in need of our help. In such cases we will serve them joyously with love.
(Adapted from the forthcoming "Contemporary Parables" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at Amazon> and . His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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4 Article 4: DEALING WITH "ALOOFS"
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* D E A L I N G W I T H A L O O F S *

Robert Elias Najemy
In the role of the aloof we distance ourselves from others, avoiding meaningful or honest emotional contact. In this way, we are less likely to be hurt or controlled by people’s negative emotions, requests or demands.
1. We hide from the intimidator’s attack, the interrogator’s inquisition and the victim’s complaints.
2. In addition to protecting ourselves by distancing ourselves, and not expressing our feelings either positively or negatively, we also gain self-worth by making others seek out contact with us.
Some of us aloofs are secretly hoping that someone will approach us. We secretly desire their attention but cannot get free from our role enough to approach them. The approached receives energy and affirmation from the one who approaches him seeking his or her company.
If the victim controls others through their feelings of responsibility and guilt, the Aloof controls others through their need for contact with or attention from him as he denies them attention and emotional exchange.
We can help the aloofs in our lives by first getting free from any ideas that they are not communicating with us because we have done something wrong. If they want to wear a long silent face, let them, they have the right to. Let them have the responsibility for the reality, which they chose to create.
*** I message to an Aloof ***
We can then communicate with them perhaps something like this.

"Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be wonderful. There are times in which you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you do not love me any more. I also get into thinking that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me so as to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self-worth as a spouse (or perhaps parent or other role).
"When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and others you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me or our relationship.
"I now realize that it doesn’t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something that has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear it. Do not protect me by not telling me if something I do bothers you.
"I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply.
"Do you have anything you would like to share with me at this time?"
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The Psychology of Happiness
by Robert Elias Najemy

The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones, How Emotional Reality is Created.

Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations.

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Over 95,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public.
Some are translated into Portuguese, Polish, Arabic and German.
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SEMINARS
For information about ongoing and also weekend seminars in the following
areas email us or call the following numbers
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Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at View Clarity
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Articles to look forward to in forthcoming issues:
1. What is Selflessness?
2. What is Real Love?
3. Forgiving Ourselves
4. Headaches - Natural Solutions
5. DEALING POSITIVELY WITH THE LOSS OF LOVE ONES
6. ANXIETY ABOUT GRADES
7. Dealing With Criticism and Difference in Opinion
8. Positive Thought Forms - Beliefs Concerning Self-Worth
9. Breathe Freely by Removing Excess Mucus from the Body
10. Keeping the Vision Alive
11. WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
12. Create Harmonious Relationships
13. Create Happiness with a Positive Life Outlook
14. High blood Pressure - Natural Solutions
15. Communicating with Victims
16. Breathing Problems - Natural Solutions
17. Constipation - Natural Solutions
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Again we wish for you to be well
and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones.