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CLARITY
The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
Published every 7th and 21st of the month
From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
Feb 7, 2002 Issue # 8

Focus - RELATIONSHIPS & LIFE LESSONS

This ezine is a work of love.
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IN THIS ISSUE - Focus on L I F E L E S S O N S

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=> Editorial - BEHAVIORS WHICH ANNOY US

=> 1. Fear that He is Having an Affair

=> 2. DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS

=> 3. Super Woman

=> 4. LIFE LESSONS - AN EXPLANATION

=> 5. Special Offer - 40% off on the Psychology of Happiness

=> 6. Subscribe/Unsubscribe information

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Editorial => Editorial - Behaviors which Annoy Us
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*** B E H A V I O R S W H I C H A N N O Y U S ***

In this issue we explore the concept of * Life Lessons in Relationships*. The philosophy of this way of perceiving life is explained in the last article.

We present you here only a few of 60 such life situations which can be found at:
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/members/download/archives/lessons/

Below we provide you with some examples of behaviors which might bother us and thus contain some possible lessons for us.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some possible behaviors which might bother us might be found in this list:
(The choice of gender is arbitrary and could easily be other.)
a. When she criticizes me.
b. When he does not respond to my request or needs.
c. When she asks me many questions.
d. When he shouts and accuses.
e. When she plays the role of victim and cries.
f. When she blames me for what has happened.
g. When he ignores me.
h. When he doesnšt listen to me.
i. When he looks at other women.
j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or responsibilities.
k. When he does not agree with me.
l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.
m. When she is late for our appointment.
n. When he doesnšt help out with the cleanliness.
o. When he tell lies.
p. When they ignore my needs.
q. When she gossips.
r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.
s. When she complains too much.
t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my point of view.
u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for.
v. When he threatens me that he will leave.
w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his share.
x. When the other is weak and dependent.
z. other_______________________

Those of you who are being confronted with serious Life Issues at this time are encouraged to try out our Life Clarification Process at Life Clarification Process
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1 => 1. Fear that He is Having an Affair
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*** FEAR THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR ***

Robert Elias Najemy

Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She has no concrete proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid, disappointed and deeply hurt. She also feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, and quite insecure, not to mention angry.

Mark is not actually having an affair yet, but is interested in a woman named Marsha. Until now, they have had long conversations, but both are very hesitant to make that step of coming together physically. Mark wants to continue to see Marsha without Wendy knowing. He wants to be with someone who "understands" and 'accepts" him.

Wendy frequently complains to Mark about family problems and how she feels that she is sacrificing her time and her professional satisfaction to be with the children without receiving much in return. She feels hurt that Mark does not appreciate her sacrifices and needs him to show her more love and affection.

Ever since the children were born, it has been difficult for Mark to perceive Wendy sexually, and she is not receiving the affirmation she needs from him as a woman. She feels used.

Also, her incessant nagging makes her even less inviting to him and he avoids her, physically and emotionally.

She perceives this as rejection, and now that she suspects he is seeing someone else, her need for affirmation is even greater. She has become increasingly critical, accusing and demanding.

The further she pressures him for attention and love, the more he feels the need to avoid her. The more he avoids her, the more rejected and betrayed she feels.

In her own way, she is pushing him away from her. By not giving her what she needs, he is augmenting her negativity, which then bounces back at him.

They are growing further apart and no longer enjoy each other's company.

* Belief Analysis *

Both need to look at and transform their belief systems in order to create a more lively and truthful relationship. Each needs to take responsibility for his and her reality. They can help each other create happiness.

* Wendy may be limited by some of the following beliefs: *

1. My self-worth is dependent upon being loved exclusively by my husband.
2. I am not enough for my husband.
3. I am the victim in this situation.
4. A wife should sacrifice her career for her husband.
5. I have lost something important in life by leaving my professional life. I am a victim of social programming.
6. My husband does not love me.
7. If my husband does not love me, I am not worthy
8. I am not safe in the world by myself and especially with the children.
9. I am in danger of being alone.
10. I need my husband in order to feel safe and worthy.

* Mark may be limited by some of the following beliefs: *

1. My wife doesn't understand or accept me.

2. When she complains, she is rejecting me and I am demeaned.
3. I cannot feel my self-worth when she is rejecting me.
4. My freedom is in danger.
5. I might be happier with someone else.
6. I need someone who accepts me as I am and doesn't complain.
7. I cannot be happy when suppressed by this family situation.
8. I cannot feel sexual with my wife when she is trying to control me.
9. I cannot see my wife sexually when I think of her as the mother of my children.
Some beliefs which each could develop in order to free up their love and solve the problem:

** Wendy might benefit from some of the following beliefs: **

1. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's interests or behavior.
2. I am a vital and interesting woman, enough for any man.
3. I create my reality and life gives me exactly what I need to learn my next lesson in my growth process.
4. My husband and I have equal rights and responsibilities toward work and the family.
5. Whatever I do with love cannot be a loss. I have lost nothing by giving myself to my children. The highest profession on the planet is that of the mother: our future depends upon it.
6. My husband loves me, but is controlled by inner obstacles towards expressing that love.
7. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's feelings or behavior.
8. I am safe in the world as I am.
9. There are millions of beings with whom I can connect if I feel the need.
10. I am safe and worthy in my self.

** Mark might benefit from some of the following beliefs: **

1. I want to understand and respond lovingly to my wife's insecurities at this time.
2. I recognize her complaints as an expression of her unfulfilled needs and seek to fulfill them as much as possible.
3. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my wife's satisfaction or behavior.
4. I am a free soul.
5. Happiness exists within me and does not come from an outside source.
6. I accept and love myself as I am.
7. I love my family and gladly surrender my other needs for their welfare.
8. When I focus on my wife, I perceive the being I originally loved on all levels, even physically.
9. I love my wife. I want her to be happy and I behave accordingly.
10. I would never want to behave in a way such as to hurt my wife.
Many of us find ourselves getting unconsciously locked into similar situations in which our feelings and childhood programs control us and limit our emotional freedom and thus our love and kindness for each other.

In search of happiness, harmony and growth, we need to remember that the "other" is our lesson and what we are being asked to learn to keep our heart open and our mind clear.
This can be done by a combination of self-analysis and honest communication in conjunction with a transformation of our limiting belief system.

We do not need to live this way. We can find support in the process by the abundance of available books, groups, seminars and counselors.
Adapted from the book "The Psychology of Happiness"
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2 => 2. Differing Sexual Needs
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*** DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS ***

Robert Elias Najemy
Life Situations and Lessons Series

Fanny lost her desire for sexual contact early in her marriage.
This has become a serious problem for her husband Dennis. Although he tries not to take it personally, he cannot help feeling rejected and demeaned as a man. Also, his biological needs cause him to suffer, especially at night.
Fanny loves Dennis and feels badly about her inability to make love to him. She is blocked by a subconscious aversion toward the male reproductive organ and the sexual act itself. Although she is not aware of the reason, both the male organ and the act of sex seem dirty to her. Her search into why she feels this way has been fruitless until now.
Dennis also loves Fanny very much. This problem, however, causes him to feel great injustice. He needs this contact physically and emotionally. Fanny understands and respects his need, but feels very much pressured by him and also suffers from an unconquerable aversion when he approaches her sexually.
This fear of his approaching her causes her to avoid all contact, even simple affection, so he will not be aroused and the energy between them will not become sexual. She has begun occupying herself with a many activities outside the home, using up large quantities of energy and avoiding Dennis. She also leaves on the weekends for seminars or retreats. She has found some meaning, but also perhaps some escape.
This adds to Dennisšs feelings of injustice and hurt. He seldom sees her at home and would like to spend some quality time with his wife.
What could each of them have to learn?

*** Fanny: ***

1. Does she need to work more deeply on discovering the cause of her fear and repulsion toward the male organ and sexual union?
2. Does she need to force herself to accept her husband sexually even though she does not feel it?
3. Or is her lesson to accept this problem and let her husband work it out from his end?
4. Should she be staying home more with her family even if this does not fulfill her as much as her other activities and even if their material needs are cared for?
5. Should she be there at home creating with her presence a sense of family?
6. Should she feel responsible for Dennisšs unhappiness or not?
7. What does she need in order to find a balance?
8. Does she need to free herself from the belief that sex is dirty or evil?
9. Should she give him more affection and loving affirmation so he can feel her love?
10. Must she distinguish between affection, hugging and caressing and sex?
11. Does she need to express her needs and beliefs to him more clearly, lovingly and assertively without feeling responsible for his reality?
12. Does she need to overcome any negativity she is feeling toward him?

*** Dennis: ***

1. Should he pressure his wife to accept physical contact with him?
2. Should he insist that she stay at home more?
3. Is his lesson to accept this absence of sexual contact?
4. Is he in any way doing something that repulses his wife?
5. Does he need to understand her problem and not take this situation personally?
6. How can he find his happiness without doing injustice to his wife?
7. Should he become less focused on the sexual level for pleasure, relaxation or affirmation of himself as a man?
8. Can he feel her love and caring for him without its verification through the sexual act?
9. Does he need to discover if she may not be having some negative feelings toward him because of something he has or has not done?
10. Can he love and feel close to her even if she cannot give him what he needs?
11. Should he express his needs with an I- message, helping her to understand how he feels?
12. Perhaps he should let her overcome this in her own way and timing?
13. Has the time come to become more spiritually oriented and direct his energies in other directions?
14. Or to love and accept himself more and realize that his self-worth is not dependent upon whether she wants him sexually or not?

If you are in a position similar to Fanny or Dennis, look through these lists of possible lessons and observe which seem to ring a bell in your inner self. Also be aware that you may have a number of the above-listed lessons as well as others which are not listed.

Within us, we know our lessons. If you need help contacting the wisdom within, try out our Life Clarification Process at:
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/lcp/

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(Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy available at Amazon:
Amazon>

or here for a 40% discount by clicking here:

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3 ==> Article no. 3 Super Woman
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*** SUPER WOMAN ***

Robert Elias Najemy
Situations & Lessons Series

Katherine is very conscientious, a hard worker and reliable in all cases.

At work and at home, she can be depended on to get things done. She often stays overtime, usually alone at the office in order to get her work done.
When she gets home, she immediately immerses herself in cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, etc. Although the others are home even before she is, they do not even think of helping out. Katherine will do all this.
She is a perfectionist, and although sometimes complains that no one helps, she in fact cannot relax when they do something. First of all, they may not do it right. Secondly, she depends on the role of the super-responsible and super-capable person to establish her self-worth. She has been programmed that in this way she will ensure respect and love from the others. (The truth, however, is that only her boss is happy about it because his work gets done correctly and quickly. Most of her coworkers and family members are annoyed by the tension she creates in her super-woman role.)

Even when she does manage to allocate responsibilities to others, her anxiety for it to get done and be perfect forces her to do it before the others gets a chance. She is attached to both speed and perfection. She cannot relax when tasks are not completed or when something is not in its place.

Except for putting up with her regular complaining and an occasional outburst of anger, her family members and coworkers have actually got a good thing going. They have very little work to do and depend on Katherine to get it done. Her occasional anger is a small price to pay for not having to do much work.

They sometimes feel sorry for her and want to help her, but they do not know how. They cannot share her standards for order, cleanliness and speed of execution. These are not as important to them as they are to Katherine, and they have never had the opportunity to feel those needs because she has always taken care of everything before they could feel any lack.

Katherinešs husband Peter is gradually losing his self-respect and depending more and more on Katherine for things to be done. She even has to take the car to get fixed because he leaves it for months. Her super-woman role is gradually sapping him of all his self-worth and he is becoming ever more lazy and irresponsible. He agrees to do things, but literally takes months to do them.

He is spending more and more time with his friends, playing cards and killing time. He avoids contact with Katherine, who is for him is a continuous reminder of his inadequacy. She makes more money than he does, which is a blow to his manhood.

* Childhood Programmings *

All this could have been predicted by anyone who was aware of the messages they received as children. Peter, the son of two very active and successful parents, was put off by their hyperactivity and simultaneously very doubtful that he could ever succeed in their eyes and by their measure. He was very fearful of failing. This fear of failure created in him blockages to learning or doing, and he spent most of his time playing games, something he felt he could succeed at.

He heard from his parents on daily basis that he was lazy, incapable and would do nothing with his life. He is now making their words come true.

Katherine understood at a young age that her father wanted a son and not a daughter, and although she was much more intelligent and industrious than her younger brother, he got all the attention. Katherine then decided to prove her worth to her father in masculine terms. She decided that she must succeed professionally and economically so as to be a "man" in her fatheršs eyes and have his attention and love. Thus she became super-woman.

Now Peter and the children have become even more lazy and rebellious. They subconsciously feel the need to do even less. They frequently subconsciously ignore agreements that they have made with her. These are subconscious reactions to the pressure and rejection they are feeling from Katherine.

Now everyone is feeling victimized. Katherine is the victim of their laziness and irresponsibility, and they are victims of her bitterness, rejection and anger.

* A Change *

As a result, Katherine is now ill. She is exhausted, in poor health, and in need of support from her family both in dealing with her illness and in getting things done around the home. She asks for help, but no one can hear her. There is no space in their minds for an "ill super-woman".

They love her and care for her, but they can not hear her needs. She had never expressed weakness, fear or inability before, and this is just so foreign that they feel so uncomfortable, and cannot respond.

Katherine feels doubly hurt and abused. For so many years, she had taken care of all their needs, and now that she needs them, no one is responding.

What could they have all done to avoid this situation? What lessons do they need to learn?

* Katherine:

Does she need to learn that she is worthy of love and respect even if she is not a super woman?
Or that she does not help others when she does their work for them or does not let them carry their own responsibilities?
Perhaps she needs to learn to have faith in the othersš abilities or to allow others to grow through their mistakes.
Does she need to learn to express her needs without complaining or accusing, and believe that it is natural that the others will want to support her in fulfilling her needs?
Perhaps she needs to learn how to rest when she is tired, even when everything in not perfect around her.

* Peter:

Is his lesson to believe in himself and his intelligence and abilities?
Or could it be that his self-worth is not measured by his achievements but rather by his heart and his character?
Does he need to learn to motivate himself and offer more?
Does he need to work on his childhood years and free himself from false programming?

* The others:

Perhaps they need to learn to be more responsible and energetic in their responsibilities and work.
Perhaps they ought to look at Katherinešs needs, ignore her complaints and accusations, and help her out even when she does not have faith in how they will do it.
They might also need to learn to hear and respond to her needs even when she cannot express them.

What do you think?

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4 Article 4: LIFE LESSONS - AN EXPLANATION
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*** Relationships and Life's Lessons ***

Robert Elias Najemy

When we do not get what we want from our relationships, we often feel hurt, abused, rejected, disappointed, bitter and angry.

We then have a choice to remain in our negativity or seek to use this as an opportunity for learning more about ourselves and contacting a deeper source of security, self-worth, inner fulfillment and love within ourselves.

In the editorial we have mentioned some examples of behaviors, which might bother us and thus contain some possible lessons for us.

*** What is the Lesson? ***

We seek happiness, security, affirmation, love and fulfillment in our relationships. When these needs are not satisfied, the ultimate question is "what is my lesson here?" "How can I recreate my happiness, love and peace?"

The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that everything that happens to us is a result of processes called mirroring, sympathetic attunement, resonance or projection.

Our beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears and behaviors are mirroring, reflecting, projecting or resonating in our external world attracting the behaviors and events which we experience.

Those events, behaviors or situations that cause us to feel unpleasant feelings are specifically mirroring parts of ourselves which are ripe and ready to be transformed.

This is a very powerful tool for self-discovery because it gives us a very clear understanding of what we need to change while simultaneously freeing us from negative feelings towards the others. We realize that we ourselves attract the behaviors and events that create our reality. It is through exactly those stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths of our real spiritual nature.

Some readers might not be able to accept these basic tenants. This life-philosophy is based on the following basic tenants

1. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of evolution.

2. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.

3. We evolve and mature emotionally and spiritually through a learning process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by life's events and circumstances, and to a great degree, othersš behaviors.

4. Unpleasant events and circumstances are always opportunities for growth. We also learn from pleasant events and circumstances.

5. There are four factors within us, which attract these life stimuli and create our subjective reality:
a. Our past actions and behaviors.
b. Our present beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors, fears, guilt, attachments, internal conflicts and roles we play.
c. The specific lessons we have come to learn as souls in evolution.
d. How we interpret events and behaviors.

6. There are four areas of our lives through which we receive most of our lessons:
a. Our close relationships
b. Our health and physical appearance.
c. Our work environment.
d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce, loss, gain, war, natural disasters and changes in general.

7. Most often our lessons are to be found in events, circumstances or behaviors which bother us, which are not to our satisfaction, or are painful to us.

8. The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and multiple but fall the following general categories:
a. To transform our conscious and subconscious beliefs.
g. To change our attitudes and behavior.
c. To communicate more clearly, assertively and effectively.
d. To change our way of life.
e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.

9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall into categories:
a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease attracting or creating a situation, which bothers us.
b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to accept the situation exactly as it is.
c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate more effectively with others concerning what is happening.
d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to actively improve or change the external situation.
Some examples below will help us understand this.

*** SOME EXAMPLES OF POSSIBLE LESSONS ***

a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self-confidence, it would be only natural to create a situation in which my personality could not find external support, thus forcing me to learn to depend upon myself.

b. If I need to learn self-acceptance, then it would be natural for me, as a soul, to create a situation in which I pass through a period of not being accepted by the others, so as to develop an inner base for my self-acceptance.

c. If I have chosen to overcome a fear, then the obvious way to do this would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly what I fear, so that I may overcome it.

d. If I need to overcome an aspect of my character such as selfishness, what better way to see my selfishness, than to confront it in others.

** Mirroring and Projecting **

There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting. When anotheršs behavior "mirrors" something inside us, that means that there is a resonance and that the other is behaving in a way which reflects some of our beliefs, emotions or expectations. There is a silent resonance between us, which causes the other to mirror the some of our aspects.

"Projection" means that we are seeing things in the otheršs behavior, which are not there, at least not to the extent that we see them. We are subjectively interpreting and often magnifying aspects of the otheršs behavior so that we "project" on to his or her behavior our own beliefs, needs, fears, emotions and expectations, and guilt.

In future articles we will investigate more specific situations and the possible lessons that might be learned.

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(Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy available at Amazon and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html. This book and other writings can be viewed at where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)

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The Psychology of Happiness
by Robert Elias Najemy

The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones, How Emotional Reality is Created.

Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations.

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Over 95,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public.
Some are translated into Portuguese, Polish, Arabic and German.
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RESPONSES FROM READERS
You are welcome to send in your thoughts
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6. Visit us at Holistic Harmony
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Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at View Clarity
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Articles to look forward to in forthcoming issues:

1. What is Selflessness?
2. What is Real Love?
3. Forgiving Ourselves
4. DEALING WITH INTIMIDATORS
5. DEALING POSITIVELY WITH THE LOSS OF LOVE ONES
6. ANXIETY ABOUT GRADES
7. Dealing With Criticism and Difference in Opinion
8. Positive Thought Forms - Beliefs Concerning Self-Worth
9. Breathe Freely by Removing Excess Mucus from the Body
10. Keeping the Vision Alive
11. WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
12. Create Harmonious Relationships
13. Create Happiness with a Positive Life Outlook
14. Dealing with Interrogators
15. Communicating with Victims
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Again we wish for you to be well
and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones.