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+++ Back To CLARITY +++ Back to Index +++ CLARITY The Psychology of Happiness Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com Published every 7th and 21st of the month From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com Jan. 21, 2002 Issue # 7 Focus - S E L F A C C E P T A N C E ************************************************************* Dear Friends and Members,** * May this issue find you well and happy on all levels of your being. * Each of these issues is an important source of information. * You may want to print it for your self and others to read as hardcopy for your greater concentration and benefit. * ************************************************************* *** ATTENTION *** You can view this and previous issues with greater ease by clicking here Clarity Issues ************************************************************ You are receiving this biweekly newsletter because you have become a member of the Holistic Harmony Network or have requested a subscription or a friend of yours has suggested that you might find it interesting. Unsubscribe instructions are at the end of this newsletter. If you are receiving in duplicate, please let us know. ************************************************************* Consider forwarding this ezine or a particular article to a friend. He or she may be very grateful for it. ************************************************************* IN THIS ISSUE - Focus on S E L F - A C C E P T A N C E ********************************************************** =>; Editorial - The Psychology of Happiness =>; 1. OBSTACLES TO SELF-ACCEPTANCE =>; 2. Accepting Ourselves & Others => 3. SELF-ACCEPTANCE & GROWTH => 4. Self-acceptance & sub-personalities => 5. SPECIAL OFFER - 40% off on the Psychology of Happiness => 6. Response Section =>7. Subscribe/Unsubscribe For more thoughts on this extremely vital and extensive subject click below (members only - but membership is free). Articles on Self-Acceptance ********************************************************** 1 ==> Editorial - The Psychology of Happiness ********************************************************** We all seek happiness. Whatever we do, even our most altruistic actions, have behind them the search for happiness. Happiness is simply the result of having what we want or need. Basically, this means have security, self-worth, freedom, fulfillment and meaning in our lives. In this issue we investigate the relationship between self-acceptance and the continuing need to grow. If you find the articles in this or any other issues interesting and or useful, you will find the book The Psychology of Happiness an abundant source of guidance in your search for happiness and meaning in life. The Psychology of Happiness You have so much to gain by ordering it with a 30% discount from Amazon by clicking here: Amazon or here for a 40% discount by clicking here: The Psychology of Happiness with 40% discount We welcome your responses to any of these articles with your own feelings and perceptions. In addition, those of you who are being confronted with serious Life Issues at this time are encouraged to try out our Life Clarification Process at HolisticHarmony ========================== Balance. Success. Joy. They're yours when you subscribe to the New Leaf. It's like having a free personal coach in your in box. Subscribe in seconds at Molly Gordon ========================== 1/9 ********************************************************** 1 ==>1. OBSTACLES TO SELF-ACCEPTANCE ********************************************************** O B S T A C L E S TO S E L F - A C C E P T A N C E Robert Elias Najemy Our doubt concerning our self-worth is the main obstacle to our emotional and inter-relational harmony. This doubt is the cause of our greatest fears such as being rejected, laughed at, ignored, unloved, and most of all, of being alone. * Loneliness and Doubt * Loneliness is the disease of our age, and its cause is self-doubt. Fear of being alone is perhaps our most ancient one. It comes from the fact that in the past, he who was not accepted was ostracized from the group. In those days, that did not mean simply feeling lonely, but also being unable to survive. Another factor that makes us fear rejection or not being accepted by others is the fear of being punished by them or by God. We have been brought up to believe in a God, whose love is conditional, depending upon whether we are perfect in His/Her/Its eyes or not. * Childhood Programming * We receive messages from our parents and other important persons throughout our childhood years concerning whether and under what conditions we are good or worthy. As children, we learn from adults that we must measure our self-worth by: 1. What others think of us. 2. The results of our efforts in school, our profession and life. 3. Our appearance 4. How we compare to others. 5. How much we know. 6. How much money we have. 7. And various other conditions Our doubt of our self-worth then becomes our greatest obstacle to inner peace, harmonious communication and loving relationships. These doubts are the foundation of most of our negative emotions and relationship conflicts. * If we had more self-acceptance, we would have less need to prove ourselves to others. * Then we would not feel offended so frequently and we could overlook others’ negativity and be at peace with them regardless of their behavior. Let us now look at how we can increase and stabilize our self-acceptance. The first step is to discover the situations in which we lose our sense of self-worth or self-acceptance. The reasons we most often loose our feelings of self-worth are examined in the following questionnaire. ________________________________________ * Obstacles to Loving Ourselves *** In which situations do you lose your sense of self-love, self-worth, self- esteem or self-acceptance? 1. When others ask for your help and you * do not say yes , or do not respond. 2. When you have made a mistake * or have * failed * at some effort. 3. When * others are more capable * than you are at certain tasks or concerning certain qualities (i.e. intelligence, artistic ability, speech, sports, cooking, professional success, their children’s success, economically, making friends, employing disciplines). 4. When * others attract more attention, * esteem and respect in a group situation. 5. When others * have offered more to you * than you have offered them. 6. When you are * not perfect . 7. When others criticize, are angry at or reject you . 8. When others do not agree with you or believe that you are wrong . 9. When others are able to manipulate you . ------- 10. When you have "created" pain * for others. 11. When you are * not in harmony with your conscience . ________________________________________ The accompanying more detailed questionnaire will help us determine more clearly when we lose our feelings of self-worth. We suggest that as you read through it, you mark those items that might relate to you. I Tend to Lose My Feelings of Self-Worth: * (Worth what; love, happiness, health, success, satisfaction?) 1. When others criticize me, blame me, or do not approve of me. 2. When others are angry with me. 3. When my children, spouse or parents are not happy, healthy, successful, or satisfied. 4. When I do not know as much as others around me. 5. When I do not have an intimate relationship partner. 6. When my house is not clean and in order. 7. When my partner shows interest in others. 8. If I am not successful professionally. 9. If I do not have enough money. 10. If I am not attractive to the opposite sex. 11. If I do not make an impression on others. 12. If I do not have many sexual successes. 13. If others do not respect me. 14. If my child is ill. 15. If I do not have what others have. 16. If I am not perfect. 17. If I do not achieve many things. 18. If others are able to cheat or mislead me. 19. If I do not have ___________________________ 20. If I do not do______________________________ 21. Other reasons ___________________________ _____________________________________________ * Social Programming or Conscience * Once we have established the particular situations or stimuli that obstruct our feelings of self-worth or self-acceptance, we will need to separate our answers into two groups. 1. Those which have to do with * social programming * and not with our conscience. In such a case, we need to analyze each reason separately as we attempt to discover and change the beliefs that cause us to lose our self-acceptance in those situations. When we lose our feelings of self-worth because of social programming we are buying into societies illusions concerning who is worthy and who is not. We are measuring ourselves by superficial standards set by society such as money, appearance profession etc, and not by our conscience, such as honesty, love, sincerity, selflessness etc. 2. Situations in which we reject ourselves because our * actions are not in alignment with our inner conscience . We behave toward others, as we would not like them to behave toward us. Our answers to 10 and 11 in the first questionnaire might indicate such situations. In such cases, we are interested in how we could react differently in those situations so that our behavior is in tune with our conscience. In these second cases which have to do with conscience, we will most often find that we behave in such ways because we are being controlled by the previous categories if social beliefs. For example we tell lies (matter of conscience) because we believe that our self-worth depends on what others think about us and thus want to hide the truth from them The final solution for the matter of self-worth is to realize that all beings deserve love and respect exactly as they are regardless of all their flaws simply because they are unique aspects of divine creation- just as all flowers and all of nature. In such a case, we must not confuse one’s ability and/or morality with worthiness of love and respect. As aspects of divine creation all deserve love and respect regardless of ability or morality. The difference is that those who have ability deserve positions of greater responsibility that those without. While those without morality do deserve our love and respect they may not deserve trust or freedom to move about in society, until they are healed of their problem. For more thoughts on this extremely vital and extensive subject click here (members only - but membership is free). http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/research/selfacceptance.html Adapted from the book "The Psychology of Happiness" *********************************************************** * MEMBER INTERACTION * Share with us your additional perceptions about obstacles and solutions to the problem of self-acceptance. ********************************************************** __________________ Learn about Empathology - the process of studying Self with care in FREE Empathology Introductory eBook. Create the life you want to live, filled with the people you love, in alignment with the values you hold dear. Doing so is only possible after discovering your True Self that lies under the programming of human experience. http://empathology.com Learn how to journey within. ___________________1 ********************************************************** 2 ==>2. ACCEPTING OURSELVES AND OTHERS ************************************************************ A C C E P T I N G O U R S E L V E S & O T H E R S Part 2 of a 5 part series on creating a Positive Life Outlook Robert Elias Najemy * Love is the ultimate healing energy. We lack giving and receiving love. * Our feelings of isolation and loneliness breed mistrust, misunderstandings, competition, antagonism and the whole series of health destroying emotions such as fear, anger, hatred, jealousy, bitterness, resentment etc. These negative emotions build up a personality complex of their own, and grow out of the control destroying our health and relationships. Learning to accept and love ourselves and others despite our faults, weaknesses, habits and mistakes is a powerful means for healing ourselves and others. By developing more deeply rooted feelings of security and self-worth, we enable ourselves to understand, forgive and love others and ourselves in more and more situations. The following thoughts may help us in that process. * We are all souls in a process of evolution. * We are all controlled by our ignorance and fear, which cause us to function in less than perfect ways. Thus, it is logical to accept and love ourselves and others even though we are not perfect and make mistakes. This can be understood more clearly through some examples. * Two broken legs * If we know someone who has two broken legs and for this reason is unable to carry out his or her responsibilities or be very productive or creative, we automatically understand that they cannot do any more, because they have two broken legs. What we fail to understand is that many of people who we perceive as lazy, irresponsible or negative and even immoral have in fact two of their "emotional legs" broken. They have seriously impaired emotional legs of "inner security" and feelings of "self-worth". Their insecurity and feelings of self-doubt cause them to behave in negative ways. We, too, might be such persons who have had their inner strength handicapped by negative childhood experiences. Thus we would do well to understand and love ourselves and others even when we are not able to be who we would like to be. Accepting ourselves does not mean that we do not recognize and admit our mistakes and weakness and seek to improve ourselves and free ourselves from those obstacles so that we can manifest our inner potential on all levels. Also, accepting others does not mean that we do not assertively explain to them the types of behavior that we need from them. * Half-finished Paintings * An incomplete painting is not yet in its perfected form. It is in the process of being perfected, of being completed. We know that it is not completed because consciously or subconsciously we know that it can be much more than it presently is. But we do not reject the painting because it is not yet what it will be. We do not say that it is wrong or unacceptable. We simply perceive it as incomplete and we attend to the process of completing it. Let us then imagine that our and others’ personalities are half-finished paintings. Let us perceive the general state of the society and world around as a painting in progress. Yes, there are many weaknesses, faults and aspects to be improved in those paintings. But they are what they can and should be for their incomplete stage. A painting must pass through a series of stages until it is finally completed. Each of these stages is a perfect part of that process of completion. No stage could be skipped or avoided. Thus, we and those around us are "perfect" at every stage of that process of completion. We and everything around us is at a stage in the process of perfection. Even our imperfections are a perfect temporary part of our movement towards perfection. When we perceive ourselves and others as unfinished paintings, we will have patience and understanding for our mutual weaknesses and faults. We will perceive them as parts of our being which need to be worked on in the process of manifesting our perfect being, which is waiting latent within us to become a reality. The same of course holds for those around us who are in a process of perfecting their unfinished paintings. * The Bud and the Flower * A flower bud does not yet manifest its latent beauty. Yet we do not reject, criticize or condemn it. We realize that it is in a process and that it is what it needs to be now in order to become the flower which it is destined to be. We accept it is as it is and wait patiently for its blossoming. In the same way we need to perceive ourselves and others as: 1. Paintings in the process of completing ourselves. 2. Buds becoming flowers 3. Souls in the process of evolution. We all deserve love and respect exactly as we are. Our life purpose, however, is to attend to the process of evolution and self-perfection until we blossom into the magnificent and totally conscientious and loving beings that we are destined to be. ************************************************************ (Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy available at Amazon: Amazon or here The Psychology of Happiness with 40% discount ********************************************************** START AD by www.geocities.com We Squirm, Dive Under Water and Battle It Out for Healthy Freebies for YOU! We Brought Our Wrecking Ball With US to Break Them Down And Bring Them to You Daily In Your Mailbox! Subscribe Web Site: http://www.geocities.com/healthyoubbies/index.html END AD -----------------------2/2 ********************************************************** 3 Article no. 3 SELF-ACCEPTANCE & GROWTH ********************************************************** S E L F - A C C E P T A N C E & G R O W T H Robert Elias Najemy Many people believe that they must be dissatisfied with themselves, or that they must reject themselves, or feel guilt or shame in order to have a motive for self-improvement or growth. They wonder, If I accept and love myself as I am, what motive will I have for continuing to change, grow or improve? Accepting ourselves, as we are, is not a deterrent to continuing our efforts to learn, grow and improve ourselves. We can easily accept ourselves and still continue to improve our character and increase our knowledge. * The First Grader * Perhaps the example of children in grade school will help us to understand this. These children in the first grades of grade school do not reject themselves because they are not in a higher grade, or because they do not know as much, or are not as capable as those children in the higher grades. They accept themselves as they are, and are happy with themselves with their present level of abilities and knowledge. Yet, no child would accept remaining in the same grade the next year or year after year. In the same way, there is no conflict between accepting and feeling comfortable with our temporarily limited abilities and lower level of conscious, and our need to continue growing. It is natural to accept and love ourselves at his present stage of growth and simultaneously to attend to learning, evolving and improving ourselves Growth is a natural instinctual need. Scientists have discovered that when a person learns something new, this creates the excretion of endomorphines and other positively reinforcing chemicals in the brain. Learning brings pleasure, when it is natural and not connected to fear of rejection and failure. But there are yet other motives for action and growth, and these are love and the need for creativity. We need to love and to create, just as we need to sleep and eat. These are basic needs, even if they are higher on the need-hierarchy scale. Thus, even if we do not have self-rejection or dissatisfaction as a motivating force, we will always have love and creativity as motivating forces to grow, create and produce. * Let us grow naturally without fear or self-doubt. * We are all in the first grade of the school of spiritual growth. But we need to prepare ourselves to be in the second grade next year, and the third the year after and …..********************************************************** --- Collected Wisdom: Subscribe to this weekly newsletter featuring articles of inspiration for your personal and business life. Perfect for those just starting or thinking of starting a home based business. http://www.collected-wisdom.com/subscribe.html --- 1/4 ********************************************************** 4 Article 4: SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND SUB-PERSONALITIES ********************************************************** S E L F - A C C E P T A N C E & S U B - P E R S O N A L I T I E S Robert Elias Najemy Part 3 of a 5 part series on creating a Positive Life Outlook * Some fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, that we will have no motive to improve ourselves. * There is a small possibility that self-acceptance might cause a few people to loose interest in self-improvement. In most cases, however, it opens the door towards natural change and self-betterment. Contrary to what many think, self-acceptance is usually a prerequisite to moving beyond aspects of our selves which we would like to leave behind. It is as if that aspect which we want to change is another person whom we are rejecting and asking to be different. They will usually resist and become even more deeply entrenched in the behaviors we would like to them to change. The same seems to happen when we reject aspects of ourselves. Those tendencies or "sub-personalities" tend to resist letting go of their ways of functioning and behaving. Thus, we often delay our freedom from such undesired habits or characteristics when we reject them or ourselves for having them. Say for example, we smoke or eat or drink too much. Or we might tend towards aggressiveness, jealousy, anger, fear or other unwanted emotions. We might prefer to be more assertive and dynamic in achieving our goals. Rather than reject ourselves for what we would like to change, a much more effective approach is to: 1. Accept that undesired aspect of ourselves as a natural evolutionary response to the various stresses, disappointments, difficulties, and challenges we have encountered until now in our lives. We have developed these habits and tendencies as an attempt to "protect" our selves from "dangers" or to "relax" from our tensions. 2. Learn to understand these aspects of our being. They are parts of us, which deserves our love and acceptance as it is. We need to understand what those parts of ourselves are actually seeking through those behavior. They might be seeking security, affirmation, freedom or perhaps release of tension. Our "aspects" or sub-personalities can search for security in money, food, relationships, sex, smoking, coffee or even through conflict. We have been programmed to doubt our security and self-worth and to fear for our freedom and to seek them at times in strange and sometimes self-destructive ways. Thus the second step is to understand these parts of ourselves and realize how they feel and what they need. 3. The third step is to begin to reeducate these parts of ourselves and help them understand what is really in their benefit and how they can achieve real security, self-worth, freedom and fulfillment. This might take the form of a dialogue with that aspect of ourselves in which we listen to its needs and then explain how we perceive our lives and share our goals and needs. We can write a dialogue between these two parts of our being - the one who wants to keep on with its habits and the second which wants to move on to other ways of behaving. They can each express to each other their: a. Needs b. Feelings c. Beliefs d. Goals.This can also be done by setting up two chairs and creating a verbal exchange in which we speak alternatively for each part of ourselves as we change positions sitting in each chair as we change perspective and seek to feel and express that aspect of ourselves. 4. The fourth step is to take the position of our higher wiser self and speak to both parts of ourselves. Both the part, which wants to the change and the one, which does not, are equally aspects of our being. They are like our children and they need to be accepted and loved as they are. They need to be helped to love harmoniously in the same body and mind. 5. In the end we need to understand that our true being is not limited to either of these aspects. We are something much greater. This mutual inner acceptance and communication between these conflicting aspects our being opens the door to a type of inner cooperation which brings about a much more effective and lasting change than can ever be accomplished through self-rejection and conflict. The same is obviously true about our need to change others. We can get much better results if we accept and understand them and their needs and then express our needs in an atmosphere of mutual understanding and respect. As for the fear that we might relax too much and not move forward if we accept ourselves, we would do well to remember that all of nature seeks to evolve. Our inner being naturally seeks to evolve. This is our basic inner need. We are all driven by an inner pressure towards perfection. How else can we know that we do not have perfect love or justice, unless we have an inner frame of reference. We want to create health, harmony, peace and love in our lives because these remind us of out true inner self. These are who and what we are. No matter how much we accept ourselves we will always want to move towards that manifestation of our inner potential. We need to externalize our inner beauty. Loving and accepting ourselves is the first step towards that. ********************************************************** (Adapted from the The Psychology of Happiness; by Robert Najemy ) ********************************************************** 5 * - SPECIAL OFFER - * A 40% DISCOUNT on the life-changing book "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Elias Najemy at The Psychology of Happiness with 40% discount Thus you will be receiving the book at your home for only $ 10.80 plus $ 5 shipping = $ 15.80 or from Amazon.com at 30% discount www.Amazon.com ********************************************************** Its Greek version has sold over 20,000 copies. ********************************************************** The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones, How Emotional Reality is Created. Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations. ********************************************************** Over 95,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public. Some are translated into Portuguese, Polish, Arabic and German. ********************************************************** 6 RESPONSES FROM READERS You are welcome to chare your thoughts with us. ********************************************************** 7 Visit us at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com or subscribe: to subscribe click: Free subscription to unsubscribe click: remove subscription ********************************************************** If you have difficulty with words hanging off the lines, then hit your rewrap button. Also let us know so that we can fix it. *********************************************************** Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at View Clarity ************************************************************ Articles to look forward to in forthcoming issues: 1. What is Selflessness? 2. What is Real Love? 3. Forgiving Ourselves 4. DEALING WITH INTIMIDATORS 5. DEALING POSITIVELY WITH THE LOSS OF LOVE ONES 6. ANXIETY ABOUT GRADES 7. Dealing With Criticism and Difference in Opinion 8. Positive Thought Forms - Beliefs Concerning Self-Worth 9. Breathe Freely by Removing Excess Mucus from the Body 10. Keeping the Vision Alive ======================================================== Again we wish for you to be well and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones.