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CLARITY
The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
From http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
Jan, 7 2002 +++ Issue #6
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Focus - T H E S E X E S
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Dear Friends and Members,
We wish you a very Happy and Fulfilling 2002
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IN THIS ISSUE - Focus on T H E S E X E S
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=> Editorial - USE US
=> 1. Women's Complaints about Men and Men's Complaints about Women
=> 2. Why Your Needs Do Not Get Meet
=> 3. Understanding the Sexes
=> 4. SPECIAL OFFER - 40% off on the Psychology of Happiness
=> 5. Responses from Readers
=> 6. Subscribe/Unsubscribe information
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=> Editorial - USE US
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I do not know exactly how to say this without sounding corny, but I really care and would like to be of use to anyone who seeking greater clarity concerning his or her goals, emotions, needs, relationships or any life issues.
I feel that I have gained a great deal of experience and practical wisdom throughout the last 33 years of searching, serving, writing and teaching and would like to share that with who ever is serious seeking to create a happier life.
Thus - whenever you feel the need - use us.
We invite you to express your needs and questions.
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indicate so.
You may even want to send us articles of your own.
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http://www.HolisticHarmony.com
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=> 1. Women's Complaints about Men and Men's Complaints about Women
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1
W o m e n' s C o m p l a i n t s a b o u t M e n &
M e n' s C o m p l a i n t s a b o u t W o m e n
Robert Elias Najemy
Throughout 30 years of working with couples and groups, I have observed that women have the following complaints about men. These observations have been made in a Mediterranean society, and thus, may differ from others.
Womenıs Complaints about Men
1. They are not understanding enough.
2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.
3. They are not affectionate enough.
4. They tend to bypass sexual foreplay, and are quick to ejaculate thus losing their sexual interest, before the woman is satisfied.
5. They do not communicate enough. They do not express their feelings and thoughts.
6. They do not pay enough attention to their partners.
7. They do not spend enough time at home with their children.
8. They do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.
9. They do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children and do not compensate this contribution to family life.
10. They make decisions about work and life without regarding the womanıs or the familyıs needs.
11. They create extramarital relationships.
Men's Complaints about Women
In the same groups I have found that men have the following complaints about women.
1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.
2. They try to control and suppress men.
3. They are seldom happy.
4. They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or blackmail.
5. They do not think logically, but emotionally.
6. Their emotions are not predictable but change quickly especially due to hormones, during menstruation, pregnancy or menopause.
7. They tend to gossip.
8. They, too, create extramarital relationships.
9. They are not home enough (which for some men means - continuously)
10. They are not taking enough care of the home.
What Men Can Do to Help Their Relationship Partner's Feel Happier
(Most lessons are, of course, for both sexes.)
Men can learn to:
1. Be more understanding and sensitive of her needs.
2. Be more affectionate, tender, affirming and loving.
3. Approach her consciously and sensuously allowing their mutual sexual energy to gradually develop.
4. To communicate more openly their thoughts, feelings and needs.
5. Spend more quality time with their children.
6. Help out with the cleanliness and order of the home.
7. Appreciate, and where necessary, financially reward their partners for work done in the home.
8. Include all the family in decision making.
9. Be monogamous.
10. Understand that her criticism is often a function of the fact that her needs are not being fulfilled.
11. Overcome the fear of being controlled and be true to themselves in each situation.
12. Understand that women perceive situations differently and respect that.
13. Understand that women are often the victims of their hormonal changes and that this is not easy.
14. Understand that women, too, need to get out of the house and engage in activities, which interest them.
What Women Can Do to Help Their Relationship Partner's Feel Happier
(Most lessons are, of course, for both sexes.)
Women can learn to:
1. Express their needs directly without complaining or nagging.
2. Trust their partner and allow him to function freely.
3. Focus on how grateful they are to have what they have.
4. Analyze situations from an even more logical point of view, especially when they suspect hormones are affecting them. (Or avoid reacting at those times.)
5. Avoid gossiping.
6. Be monogamous.
7. Find a balance between taking care of the home and asking the others for help.
8. Feel equal - neither superior nor inferior to men.
9. Understand that men have difficulty with communicating feelings and not take this personally.
10. Realize that their partner loves them even when he cannot be affectionate or tender.
11. Guide the man with their preferences in their sexual contact.
12. Radiate feelings of equality and self-confidence without competitiveness.
We need to transcend our differences and creating loving relationships.
May you and your family be well.
(Adapted from the forthcoming "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com.
His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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Share with us your additional perceptions about how men and women can make each other happier
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2
=> 2. Why Our Needs Do Not Get Meet
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W h y O u r N e e d s D o N o t G e t M e e t
Robert Elias Najemy
Relationships and need conflicts
The one greatest source of tension in relationships is our need-conflicts. When the other does not behave in a way, which allows our needs to be fulfilled, we develop negative feelings toward that person.
We perceive him or her as the cause of our unhappiness. We are controlled by our needs and our relationships suffer when we feel that they are not being fulfilled.
When a need is not being fulfilled, there are four basic possible reasons why. Understanding these reasons will allow us to determine what we can do to solve the problem
1. One reason might be that we have not been communicating our needs clearly enough. Perhaps we are afraid to express our needs because of a fear of indifference, rejection or conflict. Thus, in such a case our lesson is to express our needs more assertively but with respect for the other through an I-message which emphasizes what we need without criticizing, threatening or complaining.
We simply express our need, why we need it and how we feel when it is not satisfied.
2. Another reason why a need might not be fulfilled is that we have a subconscious block to that happening. Although we may want something, we may also feel subconsciously that we do not deserve it or fear that we may be in danger if we have it. One example is a woman who had been complaining that her husband was not doing enough at work or at home. When I asked her to imagine him doing more, she panicked, because she had been getting her self-worth from doing more than he had and being the "victim".
Another example is a person who complains about not finding a suitable relationship partner, but tends to connect with married persons or persons living far away or those who declare that they are not interested in a serious relationship. In such a case this person who wants the relationship also probably feels that he or she does not deserve one or will be in danger of being abandoned, suppressed or hurt in some way. Thus he or she is subconsciously blocking the fulfillment of this need.
3. A third reason we someone is not fulfilling our needs is that we are doing something or have done something in the past, or are playing some role which is causing the other to be unable to respond to our needs. A woman, who was complaining that her husband is aloof and does not respond to her, discovered that her tendency to criticize him was causing him to close up. This husband might find that this aloofness is causing his wife to be critical and thus not fulfill his need for acceptance.
People who tend to be over-responsible or perfectionists can attract irresponsible behavior from those around them.
4. A fourth reason might be that we have come to a point in our evolutionary process where it is time to transcend that particular need and feel secure, worthy and fulfilled without it being satisfied by a specific person or perhaps at all from the outside. Our evolutionary process is asking of us to find inner security, self-worth and fulfillment. Thus until we learn this lesson we "need" not to have our needs filled from outside and from others.
Having said the above, we might want to try out the following experiment. We can print two copies of the following list of possible needs. We can fill out the one and have our loved one fill out the other. (This list has been made for love partners, but all needs except for sexual ones can also be investigated in other relationships, especially parents and children.) The whole family can also do this.
Possible Lessons
Once you have discovered your needs, which are not being fulfilled as much as you would like, then you will need to move on to evaluate which of the above lessons you are being asked to learn:
a. To communicate more effectively concerning exactly what you need.
b. To remove any subconscious fears or guilt which may be obstructing your manifesting this in your life.
c. To adjust your behavior so that others are free to respond.
d. To transcend this need at this time and be happy without it being fulfilled.
In the case you feel that at least one of your lessons is no communicate more effectively without criticism, accusations, threats or complaining, then you can share with each other what you have discovered and seek to respond even more to each otherıs needs.
Depending on which lessons you need to learn you will need to proceed differently.
We will discuss each of these possible procedures in future articles.
The question at this point is which of the following do you need more of in this relationship.
Possible Needs
1. Love (or greater or more specific expression of it)
2. Respect
3. Understanding (of what?)
4. Acceptance
5. Acknowledgement and affirmation
6. Trust
7. Freedom to think and function as we believe and in accordance with our needs.
8. A peaceful environment
9. Affection
10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities and powers.
11. To listen to us without criticizing or giving advice.
12. To be satisfied with us.
13. To inspire us.
14.To be just with us - to behave towards us as he or she would like us to behave towards him of her.
15. To respect our beliefs and ideals.
16. TÔ express his or her true feelings, needs and beliefs.
18. Freedom of movement
19. To keep our agreements
20. To have patience with our weakness.
21. To support us during difficult moments.
22. To express gratitude for all that we offer him or her.
23. To acknowledge our positive qualities.
24. To be able to be alone when we do not feel well or when we have the need.
25. To get out more often
26. For more rest
27. For more help in the chores.
28.For greater attention when we speak
29. To do more things together
30. For greater responsibility on his or her part.
31. To be on time
32. For more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness.
33. To be able to behave as we like in our home.
34. To take care of him/her self.
For Love Partners
35. Erotic contact.
36. To be sexually devoted to only us
Other (add needs which are not above)___________________________________
Also, Think of Which Needs Might Be Behind The Following:
Your complaining
Your criticism
Your impatience
Your refusal to cooperate
Your reactions
Your conflicts and arguments
The games which you play
Your competitiveness
Your teaching and sermons
Your anger
(Adapted from the forthcoming "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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***** MEMBER INTERACTION *****
Print the above list of needs and give one to your loved ones.
Fill them out in relationship to each other and then share maturely on what you have found.
***** Attention *****
Discussing needs requires a great deal of responsibility, maturity and feeling of self-worth and self-confidence.
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3 Article no. 3 Understanding the Sexes
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U n d e r s t a n d i n g t h e S e x e s
Robert Elias Najemy
Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently, most
philosophical teachings agree that the soul is neither male nor female. As
souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to learn through that experience.
Through our experimentation with the various qualities of each sex we are
seeking to experience our true whole self.
Until we do experience our inner fullness, we seek to find completion
externally through a love partner.
This effort towards attunement with the other sex brings stability, joy,
security and affirmation but is not without problems and challenges. One
main challenge is being able to understand, respond to and find solutions
for the need differences when they occur. Some of these main conflicts are
differing needs for:
a. Cleanliness - order
b. Affection, sex
c. How to use money
d. How to bring up children
e. Social activity
Most of these conflicts actually have to do with:
1. Freedom vs. control = power
2. Who is right = self-worth
COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES
In addition to these differing needs, men and women have different ways of
and motives for communicating. Both, of course, use communication as a means
to express needs, prove they are right and affirm their self-worth.
Studies have shown, however, that women use communication in order to create
an emotional connection or bond. Thus the communication itself is the
purpose.
Men seem to perceive communication as a means towards some result such as
solving a problem.
Thus, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a conversation
about a subject, not because she wants a solution but because she
experiences a connection through the communication itself. The man however,
feels that communication has only one purpose, to arrive at a conclusion or
solution and then there is no more need to communicate. Thus the universal
problem that women feel men are aloof and men that women are interrogators.
MEN DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS
If they are talking about the womanıs emotions, then they are likely to feel
that they are to blame and are being criticized since the woman is not
happy. If a woman expresses an emotion, she usually wants recognition of
that fact that she feels that way. The man usually does not realize this and
seeks in the least possible words to convince her that there is no reason
for her to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then looses her vehicle
of connecting.
If she wants to talk about his emotions, it is even worse. First of all he
seldom knows what his emotions are. He has been trained a whole lifetime to
suppress, hide or shut off what he is feeling. Secondly, even if he has some
awareness of what he feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit
that he feels self-doubt or fear. Men in general do not like to admit their
fears or weaknesses.
All of the above are of course generalizations, and there will be
exceptions.
We have here a serious problem in communication in which each sex will need
to understand the other.
WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER
Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not communicate their
feelings and thoughts, it is often simply because they function differently
and not because they do not love their love partner. They experience unity,
not so much through words but rather through action, such as working to make
money and take care of the family.
Men on the other hand need to understand that women need to generate
feelings of unity and love through verbal communication. Men need to
acknowledge womenıs feelings rather than find reasons why they shouldnıt
have them.
((Adapted from the forthcoming "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
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***** MEMBER INTERACTION *****
Share with us about how men and women can understand each other more
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***** - SPECIAL OFFER - *****
4
A 40% DISCOUNT
on the life-changing book
"The Psychology of Happiness"
by Robert Elias Najemy
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The Psychology of Happiness with 40% discount
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Its Greek version has sold over 20,000 copies.
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The Psychology of Happiness
by Robert Elias Najemy
The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human
happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It
offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating
happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution,
Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness,
Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child,
Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones, How Emotional
Reality is Created.
Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible
lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations.
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Over 95,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an
impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of
the Greek public.
Some are translated into Portuguese, Polish, Arabic and German.
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5
A RESPONSE FROM ONE OF OUR READERS
To the article in our last issue about Natural Solutions for Frequent Colds
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My remedy for colds: I am the healthiest person I know. I rarely get sick. Haven't had a cold in 12 years. I tell myself continually that I am very healthy & that I never get sick! That is my main recipe for health! Many people get sick from stress and because they have psychological benefits from illness such as avoidance of situations they dislike, get extra attention or pampering when ill, feel special because of illness. Many people call the illness, my cold, my diabetes, my cancer. Don't claim it as yours! Claim health & happiness & God! Instead of coffee, I drink iced tea w/ lemon or lime. I take vitamins. I am a vegetarian. I do not smoke. I keep a fan going to circulate air all year round, even if it's cold. If it's cold, I cover up, but still keep the fan going. I bathe twice daily.
But if you do get a cold: Vitamin C, Zinc gluoccinate sublingual tabs, hot soup, citrus juices, eat grapefruit, use a soothing & mentholated nasal cream, irrigate the ear canal, nose & throat w/ hydrogen peroxide, take a laxative or colonic! Alekscat in Richmond
Dear Alekscat, we thank you for your contribution
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6
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Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at View Clarity
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Articles to look forward to in forthcoming issues:
1. What is Selflessness?
2. What is Real Love?
3. Forgiving Ourselves
4. DEALING WITH INTIMIDATORS
5. DEALING POSITIVELY WITH THE LOSS OF LOVE ONES
6. ANXIETY ABOUT GRADES
7. Dealing With Criticism and Difference in Opinion
8. Positive Thought Forms - Beliefs Concerning Self-Worth
9. Breathe Freely by Removing Excess Mucus from the Body
10. Keeping the Vision Alive
11. WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
12. Create Harmonious Relationships
13. Create Happiness with a Positive Life Outlook
14. Dealing with Interrogators
15. Communicating with Victims
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Again we wish for you to be well and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones.
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