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CLARITY
The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
Published every 7th and 21st of the month
March 7th , 2004 Circulation 2500 Issue # 58

Focus - RESPONSIBILITY IN RELATIONSHIPS - part 2

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RESPONSIBILITY IN RELATIONSHIPS - part 2
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Having understood the concepts put forth in the part 1 (Clarity 57), the next step is to determine where exactly we are expecting others to create our happiness, success, satisfaction or where we are dependent on others for our feelings of self-worth, or in other words, which of our "keys of responsibility" we have given to whom.
Then we need to discover for which people we feel responsible and thus are holding on to the "keys of responsibility" to their happiness, success, safety or satisfaction.

This we want to do in order to return the "keys of responsibility" that do not belong to us and take back the "keys of responsibility" that belong us.

Filling out the next exercise will help us to prepare for putting order to our keys of responsibility.

*********************************************************
LOOKING AT OUR KEYS
*********************************************************

1. I feel responsible for the following in relationship to the following persons:
Name of person Health Safety Happiness Success Satisfaction Self-worth
__________________________________

Perhaps it would be useful here to give some examples of possible answers:

a. I feel responsible for my children¢s health, safety and success in life.

b. I also feel responsible for their happiness and satisfaction.

c. I also feel responsible for their behavior towards others.

d. I feel responsible for my spouse¢s happiness and satisfaction.

e. I feel responsible for my parents¢ health, happiness and satisfaction.

f. I feel responsible for my boss¢s satisfaction with my work.

g. I feel responsible for my friends¢ being satisfied with me as a friend.

h. I feel responsible for my siblings¢ being satisfied with me, and also for their health, happiness and security.

Programmed in this way with the above feelings of responsibility, I cannot feel happy or my self-worth unless:

a. My children are healthy, safe, successful, happy, satisfied and are behaving properly towards others.

b. My spouse is happy and satisfied (especially satisfied with me as a spouse).

c. My parents are healthy, happy and satisfied (especially with me as their child).

d. My boss and friends are satisfied with me.

e. My siblings are satisfied with me and are safe and happy.

*********************************************************

2 I expect help from the following persons in fulfilling the following needs.

Name Self-worth Health Safety Happiness Success Satisfaction
______________________________________________

Some possible answers might be:

a. I expect help from my children to fulfill my needs for order and cleanliness - satisfaction.

b. I expect help from my spouse for my safety, happiness, success and satisfaction.

c. I expect help from my parents for safety, happiness, success and satisfaction.

d. I expect help from my friends for my happiness, and occasionally for my satisfaction.

e. I expect help from my siblings for my happiness, and occasionally for my safety.

*********************************************************

3. I can see that I am dependent on, or am affected by, the following persons to some degree concerning the following feelings.
Name Self-worth Health Safety Happiness Success Satisfaction ______________________________________________________________________

Some possible answer might be:

a. I am dependent on or am affected by my children concerning my self-worth as a parent and person.

b. I am dependent on or am affected by my spouse concerning my self-worth as a spouse and person and
also for my feelings of safety.

c. I am dependent on or am affected by my parents concerning my self-worth as a child and person and also for my feelings of safety, success and happiness.

d. I am dependent on or am affected by my friends concerning my self-worth as a friend and person.

e. I am dependent on or am affected by my siblings concerning my self-worth as a sibling as a person and sometimes for my feelings of safety.
*********************************************************

Now if you like, take time to answer the above 3 questions for yourself, without being limited by the sample answers above.

As we an see, in such a situation peace and happiness will almost nonexistent, as there are just too many factors which must be "okay" in order for us to be happy. We are in total codependency and we cannot create happiness unless all people around us are exactly as we need them to be. All of us are intertwined in a mesh of confusion, which obstructs our happiness.

*********************************************************
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EFFORT AND RESULT
*********************************************************

We need to make an important distinction here between making an effort to help someone, or accepting heir effort to help us and responsibility for each other¢s reality. We all obviously are together to help and support each other on all levels. This is what relationships are all about. But we cannot create another¢s health, happiness, success or satisfaction. Only they can create or allow their wellbeing and only we can create or allow ours. Thus in returning to others the keys to their own responsibilities we are not stopping to help them, but are actually serving them in a much greater way, by allowing them to discover he power and wisdom within themselves. This step of course will need to be made with discrimination. If someone is very ill or incapable, then we obviously cannot leave him or her on their own. We will serve them in every possible way doing for them, whatever they cannot do for themselves, but we will not be responsible for the result. Neither will we be responsible for their satisfaction. We will offer whatever our discrimination guides us to offer, but will not be evaluating or self-worth in relationship to their satisfaction.

Also our self-worth cannot be increased or decreased by others¢ behavior. We are who we are independently of how others behave or what they think.

Also we have the inner power and wisdom to create exactly the reality which we need in order to proceed in our spiritual development. If that means at times that we will not have support from others, then that is not by chance. It is an opportunity for even greater growth.

*********************************************************
PREPARATION FOR THE PUTTING IN ORDER OF THE KEYS
*********************************************************

The next step in this process is to decide which of the above mentioned keys we want to return or take back. This is important because this confusion concerning who is responsible for what creates negative feelings for us and the others involved. We may discover that, although we love someone very much, and want very much for him or her to be happy and well, our feelings of responsibility for their well being causes us to feel anger towards them for not trying. Also it makes us feel that we are being done injustice to. We might also realize that because we have based our feelings of self-worth on someone else¢s behavior or their opinion of us, that we are frequently hurt and angry with them for not giving us the affirmation we need from them.

This also works as a mirroring process. When we need repeated affirmation from a specific person, life often prevents that affirmation from coming, so that we can learn to base our self-worth our own being, and not on the others¢ programmings. We might find that we can love this person much more purely and steadily if we free ourselves from needing his or her affirmation, by taking back the "key to our self worth".
Most of us find that we need to take the keys to our self-worth back from our parents, while many of us also from our spouses and children. Once we are able to do so, we are then able to love and serve those persons much more purely, because we are not doing so now because we need their approval, in order to feel our self-worth, but because we simply love them.

Cases of "emotional blackmail" are based on the fact that the one who is being blackmailed into doing things he does not want to do, is forced to because he feels guilty and responsible for the other¢s reality.
In addition, our ability to forgive others, or to get on with our lives and manifest our innate abilities, is obstructed by the belief that others are responsible for our reality or that we cannot proceed without them. In such case we will want to take back the keys to our happiness and success, forgive these persons and get on with our lives.

The next step is to decide from whom we want to take back our keys and to whom we want to return keys that belong to them.

We are now ready to fill out the following forms, which will help us express what we want to say. Based on this form, we will then want to write our I-messages more freely, as we prepare for the psychodrama, and eventually actually speaking with that person.

Such messages can also be written to possessions, to society as a whole or to anything to whom, or on which, we are dependent for our feelings of self-worth or security.

*********************************************************
AN IMPORTANT NOTE:
*********************************************************

Because these false concepts of responsibility are very deeply ingrained in our social subconscious, some may misunderstand at first our intentions and feelings. We have so identified love with attachment and dependency, that it is often difficult at first for some of us to see love in independence. Thus, it is especially important for you to reiterate frequently that you love and care for this person and also to show this with your actions.

You will also need to be patient with possible negative reactions. Do not lose your peace and love in the face of possible reactions. Be patient and explain, over and over again, in a calm voice, without giving in and retreating into the past programmings and behaviors. Be clear and calm about this gradual process which is much like a painful surgical operation for both of you in which deep false beliefs are being removed.
Also we want to avoid using these concepts as an excuse to ignore actual responsibilities which we may have in our family or professional life.

These forms are to guide and help us not to limit us, so feel free to change the wording.

*********************************************************
COMMUNICATING CONCERNING RETURNING KEYS
*********************************************************

My dearest ____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important that affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling responsible for your (happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction etc.) _________________
I now realize that my feeling that I am responsible for your _____and_____and____and ____ has the following negative results for me:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I also believe that it has the following negative results for you and our relationship:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I thus believe that, for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to give you back the key(s) to the responsibility for your ______________ and ___________ and ______________________.
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything else but what I am saying.
Also I need to tell you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

For this reason I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make.
________________________________________

________________________________________

*********************************************************
COMMUNICATING CONCERNING TAKING BACK KEYS
*********************************************************

My dearest _____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important which affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling dependent on you for my feelings of ______ (self-worth, happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction) _________________
I now realize that my being dependent on you for my ___and_____and______ has the following negative results for me:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I also believe that it has the following negative results for you and our relationship:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I thus believe that for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to take back from you the keys to the responsibility for my ______________ and ___________ and _______.
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything else but what I am saying. Also I would like to share with you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

For this reason I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways.
_________________________________________
_________________________________________
_________________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make.
________________________________________

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SUPPLEMENTARY TECHNIQUES
*********************************************************

1. Affirmations written, verbal or mentally repeated in deep relaxation can help us in transforming these false beliefs. Some affirmations which might be useful:

a. Each of us is totally responsible for our own reality, for our own safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction etc.

b. Each of us is capable, and has all the inner guidance required in order to manage our lives properly.

c. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling responsible for them.

d. My self-worth is independent of the reality others create for themselves.

e. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling that I cannot be happy if they are not.

f. I do not help others by being unhappy or by limiting my happiness, when they are not well.

g. I am divine creation and my self-worth is totally independent of whether others are satisfied with me or not.

h. My self-worth is independent of the results of my efforts.

i. I am totally capable of creating my own security, success, health, enjoyment, social acceptance, professional success, and spiritual evolution

2. We can communicate with others expressing our real feelings and needs in such situations. We would benefit from learning to make I-messages, which express what we need, feel and believe without blaming the others or making them defensive.

3. We can study the various spiritual truths, which liberate us from these false thought-forms and help us develop love with discrimination. We can develop love for the soul seeing the personality as the soul¢s vehicle. Thus we are interested in facilitating the soul¢s growth rather than the personality¢s comfort.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp
by Robert Elias Najemy

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The Psychology of Happiness
by Robert Elias Najemy

The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of
human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable
manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and
guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including:
Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving
Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner
Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping
with the Death of Loved Ones. Included are 23 case histories - real
life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such
and similar situations.
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Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at
http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/
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Again we wish for you to be well
and hope that you will care for yourself
and your loved ones.

May you be well on all levels of your Being.

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