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The Psychology of Happiness Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life Published every 7th and 21st of the month July 7, 2002 Circulation 1300 Issue # 18 Focus - More Effective Communicaton Part 1 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ *May this issue find you well and happy on all levels of your being.* ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ KNOW SOMEONE who would benefit from this important information? Forward it or Print it for them. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ You can view this and previous issues with greater ease by clicking here http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/ ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Unsubscribe instructions are at the end of this newsletter. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ * Forward this ezine or a particular article to a friend. * ** He or she may be very grateful to you. ** ****************************************************** May all live in peace, harmony and love. ****************************************************** Focus on More Effective Communicaton ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => Editorial - MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 1. INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ >=> 2. I-MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 3. DECLARATIVE & RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 4. PREVENTIVE I- MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 5. EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ >=> 6. CONFRONTIVE I- MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 7. GENERAL SOLUTIONS FOR RELATIONSHIPS ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 8. INNER SOLUTIONS ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ ~^~^~^~^~ => 9. Emotional Freedom Techniques seminars with Robert Najemy in the USA ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 10. Subscribe/Unsubscribe information ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ => Editorial - MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ *** MORE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION *** Part 1 Robert Elias Najemy (From the forthcoming ebook Relationships of Conscious Love ? we will announce when it is ready) We all rely on relationships to satisfy many of our needs. Our happiness depends to a large degree on how harmonious our relationships are. If we cannot get along with our partner, child, or parent, then it is difficult to be happy. We need to learn to communicate much more effectively in order to create mature, harmonious and happy relationships with satisfy our and our loved ones? needs. This ezine is dedicated to that. If you would like to learn more about how to create more harmonious relationships, then inform us of your interest in our new ebook Relationships of Conscious Love. In Part 2 we will give examples of Effective communication with Victims, Aloofs, Interrogators and Intimidators. In Part 3 we will deal with Effective Communication with Children. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 1. INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION Most of us are rather ineffective in expressing our needs and solving our interpersonal problems. We either tend to withhold and suppress our feelings or we go to the other extreme of exploding onto the other person blaming him for our unhappiness. 1. When we do not express our needs and feelings, we tend to become tense, bitter, negative, and feel alienated and resentful towards the person or situation, which we feel is responsible for not fulfilling our needs and expectations. This internal tension can result in various psychosomatic illnesses. Some of us close ourselves from the world around us, feeling lonely and misunderstood. But, have we adequately expressed our needs, desires and expectations so that the others can clearly understand them and respond to them? If not, then we are clearly responsible to some degree for the situation we find ourselves in. 2. The other way in which we handle our frustrated needs, desires and expectations is to throw the blame for our discontent onto the others. We blame the others, demean them, criticize them for their faults, and generally create a hostile environment that leads to unhappiness and no one's needs being fulfilled. Power games are played and each seeks to force the other into complying with his own expectations. Both the self-suppressive and the aggressive methods of handling interpersonal problems are obviously rather ineffective in most situations. Dr. Thomas Gordon and his wife Linda Adams in their books "Parents Effectiveness Training", "Teachers Effectiveness Training" and "Effectiveness Training For Women" express a third possible solution. We shall briefly refer to these concepts here. Those who would like more details can refer to these or many other books that have been written about this subject in the last years. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ *** The Psychology of Happiness *** ** This book has enhanced over 20,000 lives ** All of the texts in this ezine are taken from this book You have so much to gain by ordering this book with a 30% DISCOUNT from Amazon by clicking here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 Or here for a 40% DISCOUNT by clicking here: http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html Or ask your local bookstore to order it with ISBN number 0-9710116-0-5 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 2. I-MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ I-MESSAGES There are six aspects to each I-statement: 1. The first is to explain to the other that our relationship with him is important to us and that our purpose in communicating with him is to improve it. 2. We must identify exactly what we need and how or what we feel. What need is not being fulfilled? What is it that we want and we are not getting, and how does that make us feel? 3. What is the program that is causing us to feel in the way we do? We have some program which says if we do not have what we think we «have to have» we cannot be happy. What is it that we believe that we have to have? That if we don't have it, we feel negative and alienated? 4. What aspect of the others' behavior stimulates or triggers the program or belief mentioned in 3 and creates the feelings mentioned in 2? 5. What is it that we would like to request of the other person so that we may feel happier and more satisfied this relationship, at least until we are able to overcome the beliefs which are causing our negativity (if this is what we chose to do). 6. Now we open up to the other and allow him or her time to express to us how he or she feels in the relationship, and what he or she needs from us in order to feel better with us. We switch to active listening. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 3. DECLARATIVE & RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ DECLARATIVE & RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES The declarative I-message is used when we simply want to express a need, desire, opinion or inner reality. We are not necessarily in conflict with someone, but are simply letting our feelings and needs be known by the others. Doing so wards off many potentially unpleasant situations in which we do not express our feelings and thoughts, and then feel that the others do not take us into consideration. Learning to make declarative messages makes a relationship much more equal and alive. Suppressing our needs and emotions leads to feelings of resentment and of being unloved and unappreciated. When our negative feelings accumulate, we are likely to lose our temper about some small insignificant event. Let us avoid these two extremes of suppression and aggression, and learn to be assertive about our needs, desires and opinions. RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES We are often asked to do something with or for someone else. It is now time for a responsive I-message. We must first decide very clearly whether we actually want to respond to what is asked of us or not. It may be to lend something, or to help someone, or to go to dinner, or to talk to someone for some time on the telephone, or to take a position in an organization, or to donate some money. We must decide whether we want to do what we are asked, and why we do or do not want to do it. Then we express our decision and why we have come to that decision. Some examples might be: «I thank you for your invitation to dinner, but I am extremely tired and prefer to get to bed early». «I am sorry but I have decided that I cannot help you on Saturday because I feel that my children and family need me more». «You know I really do not enjoy social activities very much any more, so I don't think I will come this evening. Perhaps we can get together just the two of us some other time and have a deeper communication». «Yes, I would be glad to help you this weekend, because I really love you very much and would like to express that love through my actions». Thus the first step in making a responsive I-message is to understand clearly what we want to do and then to honestly express it. It may be possible that we will have mixed feelings. An example might be. «You know I find myself in a dilemma, because on the one hand I love you and would like to sit and listen to your problem right now, but on the other I am exhausted and quite tense myself. Let me rest for a few hours and I will call you back». We have learned to avoid saying "no" at all costs; for fear that the other will stop loving us or reject us. When we do something with or for someone out of fear of rejection, it is of no real value. Better to offer less but with love rather than to do something out of fear or a sense of obligation and build up feelings of resentment. Being able to say yes because we love is a higher human quality and can be developed in three basic factors: a. Diminishing our own personal needs as much as possible so that they do not require much time, energy or thought. b. Keeping our energy level up through exercises, breathing techniques, relaxation, meditation and proper dietary habits. c. A feeling of love and compassion for others. Of course, this yes must be used with discrimination. a. We should avoid doing for others what they can actually do for themselves. (Unless there are important reasons, why at this time we should do this for them.) By taking on the others? responsibilities we might hold them back in their growth process. As long as they depend on others, they will not develop the inner self-confidence, strength and responsibility that are necessary for their natural maturity as human beings. b. We will also need to say not when what is requested from us is in conflict with our sense of morality, such to tell a lie. c. And, of course, we will have to say no when what is asked of us will be harmful to us or others. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Become a Mom for Life!!!! Would you to make a great income while you make new friends and convert your family and other families to more healthy living? Work at home FOR yourself but not BY yourself!! Excellent Team Support and training provided. No Selling, No Home Parties, No Deliveries and No money to collect. Set your own hours! Have fun, meet new people and make great money! To learn more: http://www.moms-connection.com/momsforlife.htm 2/4 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 4. PREVENTIVE I- MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ PREVENTIVE I- MESSAGES When we have observed that a problem has developed in the past and we want to avoid the same or worse happening in the future, then it is time for a preventive I-message. We hope to prevent a more serious conflict by expressing what is happening within us or what we need or will need, do or will do. The steps are: a. We take responsibility for what we are feeling inside us, which is a result of our programming. b. We identify what emotions and states we are feeling. c. We identify what programs, needs, desires or beliefs are creating those feelings. d. We identify the behavior of the other person that stimulates this program and the consequent unpleasant and separating feelings. An example: «You know, I have a childhood conditioning that one shouldn't eat in front of others without offering them a portion. When you eat in front of me and do not offer me any, I feel not respected and unloved. I realize that it is my problem, but I thought I should explain it to you because sometimes it affects my behavior towards you». Now it is time for active listening to see how the other feels. The other may have been completely unaware of the problem, or he she may have sensed it but have feared being rejected if he offered the food. Another example: «Dear, you know I am beginning to feel negative toward you lately, and I would like to discuss the problem. As you have probably realized, I have a need to be reassured of your love though affection and attention. Lately it seems that you have been very tired or preoccupied with other things, and haven't been paying very much attention to me. Sometimes I talk to you and you do not even answer. When this happens, I feel rejected, unloved and begin to feel bitter and angry towards you and sometimes also fear that you have found someone else. "I am trying to think positively and find strength within myself, but I do still need some more affection and attention from you. Can we discuss this? I would be very interested in what has been going on inside you all this time. I think our relationship needs this communication». And then we switch to active listening so as to understand what the other is feeling. No one has been blamed or accused of being unloving or insensitive. No feelings have been suppressed. We have a deep open communication between two responsible adults. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 5. EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ EXAMPLE «I MESSAGE» "Dear, I need to speak to you. I have a problem, which I hope that you will be able to help me with. I have realized that I have a poor self-image and very easily doubt my self-worth and whether I am loved or not by the people around me. This happens especially when they ignore me or when they speak to me aggressively or abruptly. It seems that I have this sensitivity from my childhood years. "This happens sometimes between us. When you speak to me sometimes in an aggressive manner when you are upset about something, I feel hurt, rejected, unworthy and even fearful. This then develops into feelings of anger, and sometimes I even end up wanting to hurt you in some way. I do not want to feel this way. I love you and want to have a harmonious relationship with you. You are important to me and this relationship is important to me. " I realize that this is my problem, but I do not feel that I can solve it by myself at this time. I need more affirmation of your love, respect and interest in me. I would like to suggest to you how you might show me your interest so that I can feel more fulfilled in this relationship. "I would also like to discuss alternative ways in which we can communicate concerning differences of opinion, or needs, or values. I need to be able to tell you what I think, or feel even, if that does not coincide with what you feel or think, without ending up in conflict. If I suppress my thoughts and feelings, I loose my self-respect and feel rejected by you. On the other hand, I am afraid of expressing my differing views because I am afraid of coming into conflict with you. "I would like your cooperation in finding a way in which we can communicate our differences in a way in which neither of us feels hurt, rejected or angry. Because my opinions may differ from yours, it does not mean that I do not love and accept you. "I would very much like to know how you feel about our relationship and especially how you feel when we have these conflicts. You could help me a lot by helping me to understand what exactly it is that I do which upsets you. I would also like to know what needs or expectations you have from me, which I am perhaps not fulfilling. Do you feel like discussing this now, or would you like some time to think about what I have said, and discuss it in a few days?» ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 6. CONFRONTIVE I- MESSAGES ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ CONFRONTIVE I- MESSAGES When a situation is causing us strong negative emotions and we have made some attempts to create understanding and cooperation without response, we may need t make a confrontive I-message. In addition to all the aspects of the preventive message previously mentioned we might assertively add that we are determined to have our needs met in this situation. In some cases in which repeated communication has brought about little attention or cooperation from the other party we may have to inform him of what we plan to do if the behavior is not changed. For example in the previous example, the communication may end with this message: «And after considering all the possibilities and all our previous attempts to find a solution to this problem, I have come to the decision that if we cannot find a solution now and you cannot understand my needs, then I have decided to leave the relationship for the time being and try living on my own». Then we actively listen to what the other feels and has to say. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 7. GENERAL SOLUTIONS FOR RELATIONSHIPS ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ GENERAL SOLUTIONS FOR RELATIONSHIPS What can we do when we have a conflict with one or more persons in our immediate environment? 1. Firstly we will have to realize that we are not together by chance. Each is the perfect teacher for the other. We are together for a very specific reason, to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually through the process of trying to solve these problems. 2. These problems are the perfect learning situations which we need as opportunities for inner searching, self-analysis, self-transformation, self-improvement and for developing the qualities of unconditional love, forgiveness, understanding and mature, peaceful communication concerning these painful problems. 3. Our pain is created by our own attachments, fears, expectations, habits and aversions, and not by the other?s attitude or behavior. Our partner or our friend?s behavior is simply the stimulus which we need in order to see our fears, attachments and rigidity. We are forced to recognize the limitations of our ego and its tendency to conflict with the outside world in its attempt to protect itself from illusionary dangers. 4. In such a case we will need to take responsibility for the reality which we are experiencing, and work internally and externally on the problem. 5. On the one hand we will need to discover the beliefs and programmings which are causing us to feel these negative feelings. What do we fear? What do we believe will happen if matters do not develop as we believe they should? What consequences do we believe there will be for ourselves and the others if all does not according to our way of thinking? Which of our needs or desires will not be fulfilled? What will happen to the others? What will happen to me? 6. After we make this deep and objective investigation, we will have to decide whether our negative feelings are based on real danger for ourselves or others, or whether they are based on illusionary fears of, or attachments to, external and superficial sources of security or happiness. 7. If we find that we are simply acting out of fear or attachment, then we can work on freeing ourselves from the prison of these illusions. This does not mean, however, that we do not have the right to communicate with the other and explain our feelings to him or her and ask for help and cooperation until we are able to free ourselves from this insecurity or belief system. 8. In the case that we decide that our beliefs are clear and correct and that we are not acting out of fear or insecurity, but rather out of a clear interest in the benefit for all, then we will need to make an I-message to the other person, explaining how we feel, why we feel that way, and our beliefs about this subject. 9. Such a message should be expressed at a moment when both are in a good mood and when we have plenty of time in order to discuss the matter deeply. 10. It will be extremely useful to do positive visualization exercises concerning our communication in difficult relationships. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 8. INNER SOLUTIONS ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ INNER SOLUTIONS There are cases, however, where there is nothing the other can do for us since the problem is really ours and we must solve it internally. As souls in evolution we may have chosen not to be able to satisfy some need such as affirmation, or security or recognition externally, so that we can develop these qualities internally. Once we have developed them internally, then most often we also receive them externally. In the previous example the person making the «I-message» may need to learn to feel self-worth and security independently of people?s reactions and attitudes. Thus, he or she has subconsciously "chosen" not to receive external affirmation until it has been developed internally. In such a case, it is not that the other cannot or does not want to affirm us, but rather that there is a secret spiritual agreement between us (which both of us have forgotten) that he or she will not give this to us, until we are forced to find it within ourselves. Thus, if after making a series of clear «I-messages» and after having truly taken responsibility for our inner reality, the other is unable to respond to our request, it is likely that our lesson is to change internally by getting free from the internal ignorance, weakness, attachment or fear which are creating our problem. Also we may have subconscious programmings which prevent us from creating what we need or from seeing that we already have what we need. This is examined in greater detail in the book, The Psychology of Happiness. In Part 2 we will give examples of Effective communication with Victims, Aloofs, Interrogators and Intimidators. In Part 3 we will deal with Effective Communication with Children. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ***** MEMBER INTERACTION ***** Share with us your ways of understanding life. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Recommend Clarity - The Psychology of Happiness to a friend! http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine"> AOL Users Click Here ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ***** - SPECIAL OFFER - ***** A 40% DISCOUNT "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Elias Najemy *** THE BOOK THAT HAS CHANGE 20,000 LIVES *** Click here http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html Thus you will be receiving the book at your home for only $ 10.80 plus $ 5 shipping = $ 15.80 or from Amazon.com at 30% discount http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones. Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Over 100,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public. Some are translated into Portuguese, Persian, Polish, Arabic and German. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ SEMINARS For information about ongoing and also weekend seminars in the following areas email us or call the following numbers GREECE: (in Greek) - Continuously - call 010 6818220 or 010 6818151 CYPRUS: (Greek) call 5- 431616 or 2-772808 or 9 626198 LEBANON (in English) call 03 819818 USA: Robert will be offering introductory seminars in EFT in the New England area in August 2002. Specifically there will be seminars taking place in Massachusetts and in Vermont (close to New Hampshire)and . If you are interested email us at ren@holisticharmony.com If you would like to organize a seminar in your area communicate with us at ren@holisticharmony.com He will also be available for personal appointments. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Visit us at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com or subscribe: * You are receiving this biweekly newsletter because you have become a member of the Holistic Harmony Network or you or a friend have requested a subscription for you. to subscribe click: subscribe@holisticharmony.com to unsubscribe click: unsubscribe@holisticharmony.com Those of you who are being confronted with serious Life Issues at this time are encouraged to try out our Life Clarification Process at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/ ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Articles to look forward to in forthcoming issues: In Part 2 we will give examples of Effective communication with Victims, Aloofs, Interrogators and Intimidators. In Part 3 we will deal with Effective Communication with Children. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Again we wish for you to be well and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones. May you be well on all levels of your Being. |
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