The Psychology of Happiness
Excerpts from The Psychology of Happiness
Life Story no. 1
COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking in return. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.
Although Paul does love Anna, he does not enjoy communicating as much as she does and feels very uncomfortable sharing his feelings, mostly because he is not very familiar with them. Also, when he is aware of his feelings, he is ashamed to share them because he fears this will lessen his "manhood".
This constructs a conflict of needs. The more Anna pressures Paul to open up and communicate, the more he withdraws and avoids her. If she pressures him too much, he angrily pushes her away.
As a result, Anna feels rejected and unloved, while Paul feels pressured and suppressed. The more Paul avoids Anna and does not fulfill her needs, the more negative, critical and accusatory she becomes. In response to Anna's negative reactions, Paul avoids her even more.
He feels she does not understand his needs and refuses to accept him as he is. She feels he does not love her and that he rejects her as a woman and a partner in life.
Anna is unhappy and completely unsatisfied with her marriage. Her needs are not being fulfilled. Paul directs his attention to other activities, such as work, sports and recreation with friends.
Both are susceptible to others of the opposite sex who they believe will truly "understand" them.
In this case, two individuals, who actually love each other, have become victims of their own programming and needs. Their attachments, fears and lack of communication skills are destroying their relationship and their happiness.
They both need to understand the beliefs creating their fears and attachments in order to put themselves in the other's position, understand the other's needs, and communicate more openly and clearly.
This book is dedicated to our freedom from such mechanical robot-like interactions.
Belief Analysis
Anna might be limited by some of the following beliefs:
1. I need to share my feelings with people I love in order to feel safe and also to feel close to them.
2. In order to feel close to others, I must know what they are thinking and feeling.
3. If others do not want to share with me, there must be something wrong with me.
4. If others do not want to communicate with me, I feel that they do not love me.
5. I cannot feel safe with someone I do not know emotionally.
6. I must share my problems with my loved ones and receive their input and support.
7. I am the victim and have suffered a great injustice.
8. I am responsible for Paul's happiness.
9. My self worth and security are dependent upon how much my husband cares for me and shares his feelings with me.
Paul might be limited by some of the following beliefs:
1. I am in danger when communicating feelings.
2. Emotions are for women. Action is for Men.
3. I am in danger if I have feelings of weakness.
4. I must never show weakness.
5. She is suppressing my personality and I am losing my freedom.
6. She does not accept me as I am. I am in danger because she wants to change me.
7. I am the victim of her criticism.
8. I must avoid her in order to preserve my freedom.
Anna might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:
1. I feel close to my husband regardless of how much he can share with me.
2. I am safe and loved even when my husband is unable to communicate.
3. Life provides me with exactly what I need in order to learn my next lesson.
4. I dynamically create my reality with or without my husband.
5. I accept and love myself regardless of his behavior.
6. I understand his difficulty to communicate and love him as he is.
Paul might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:
1. I feel safe and comfortable communicating my feelings to my wife.
2. I accept my feelings and share them with my loved ones in order to create deeper love relationships.
3. I am free to be myself in every situation.
4. I enjoy sharing my inner world with my beloved wife.
5. In each moment life provides me with exactly what I need to learn my next lesson.
CHAPTER 1
HOW OUR PERSONAL REALITY IS CREATED
A Change in Attitude
I was sitting on a bench in the National Park in the center of Athens, Greece while three children played nearby. They were playing "basketball", trying to throw a ball into a garbage can. The older boy, about seven years old, had thrown the ball in four times, and his young girlfriend had thrown it in twice. His little sister, however, who looked to be about five years old, had not been able to make even a single basket. The game continued with great earnestness, with exciting joys and devastating disappointments. Every time they tossed the ball into the can, they immediately looked over to see if I had been watching. I became very emotionally involved without saying a word, but was rather worried about the attitude of the youngest girl, who still hadn't managed to put the ball in. The score was now 6 to 5 to 0.
I noticed she was more concerned about the fact that she wasn't getting the ball in the can and the disappointment involved, than she was in concentrating on the aim of her toss. She had come to believe that she couldn't do it, and didn't even take the time to seriously look at the basket she was shooting for. Instead, she was already prepared to show her disappointment, which usually consisted of jumping up and down two or three times with both feet, and banging herself on the head. Sometimes she spun around in a circle (which, by the way, was similar to the way her brother acted when he was successful, only his hands would be raised in the air in triumph).
The little girl was becoming more and more desperate, even resorting to kicking the ball away, so the others would have to chase after it. That made them angry and they retaliated by telling her how bad she was at the game. At other times, she would grab the ball and run away with it, making her brother chase after her and forcibly snatch the ball away from her.
I was practically in tears by now, although not one word had passed between us. I then closed my eyes and focussed my thoughts on the little girl, mentally communicating to her that she must concentrate and think positively. I continued doing this for about three minutes.
Then I opened my eyes and kept this idea in my mind and my eyes on her. Her next try was another failure, but she didn't seem quite so upset.
The very next time she did something completely different. She took the ball in her hands, and looked at it closely, and began to talk to it with conviction and authority, telling it that it MUST go into the basket and that if it didn't, it would be punished. Then she looked lovingly at the ball and kissed it, turned toward the basket and threw it directly in.
I was so happy for her that I could hardly remain seated. I actually started to cry.
The little girl continued with this more positive technique for the rest of the game, and the final score was 10 to 8 to 6. My little friend had 8.
Now, it is not difficult to understand the point. The little girl lacked confidence and concentration, and because of this, she set herself up for failure. When she failed, she became even more convinced of her inability, and set herself up physically and psychologically for each successive failure. She stopped making a serious effort. She simply went up to the line with failure in mind and threw the ball without trying.
Perhaps my concentration and prayers were picked up by her subconscious. Perhaps they weren't. Then, for some reason, she changed her behavior and employed more concentration and optimism. She told the ball what it had to do and she became very sure of herself. The ball went directly in, guided by her positive and convinced state of mind.
When the ball went into the can, the little girl's opinion of herself completely changed; now she was a success. Her entire physical reality changed, and she made more baskets in the remaining time than the other two children combined.
Children can alter their reality relativity easily through a change of attitude and behavior because of their less rigid belief system. For us adults, who have many more years of conditioning, such a change might take more time. But it can be done and more importantly, in many cases, it must be done, if we are to enjoy a life of happiness, success and growth.
Many of us set ourselves up for failure because of our habitual negative thinking and basic beliefs concerning our impotency. In the following pages, we will discuss the techniques by which we may recondition our thought processes and change our reality
WE CREATE OUR REALITY
Most of us would like a happier, healthier, more harmonious reality. In order to improve our reality, we must understand the mechanisms of its creation. Most of us feel that "things simply happen in our lives" or that we just feel "this way" or "that way." Few of us actually investigate how our reality is created.
We might say that our reality is constructed of two basic factors:
1. What is happening or has happened.
2. What we believe, and consequently how we feel about ourselves, in relationship to what has happened, is happening or will happen.
This belief system or programming, which creates our subjective perception of reality, is a result of our past experience.
A description of how elephants are trained will help us understand the relationship between our past, our beliefs and our reality.
SELF LIMITING ELEPHANTS
Elephants born in captivity are restrained by a chain that attaches one leg to a metal spike driven into the ground. This prevents them from roaming. They become accustomed to the fact that, as long as the chain and spike are next to them, they are unable to move.
As they grow older, their minds become programmed. When they see the spike and chain, they "believe" and accept that they will not be able to move. They become so conditioned that when their owners place a small rope and wooden peg next to them, they make no efforts to step away from it, because they "believe" they are unable to.
In truth, their actual power as adults is so great that they could easily pull up a chain and spike of any size. Their programming or "belief," however, allows this tiny rope and wooden peg to limit their movement.
We are all very much like these elephants. We allow the weaknesses, fears and rejection we experienced as children to program us into a life in which we lack power, peace, love and happiness. We become controlled by false childhood assumptions we have made about our ability, strength and self worth.
We can move away from these "pegs" of self-limitation, but we must chose to do so.
This is a very simple description of an extremely complicated and intricate process, which we will analyze in greater details throughout this book.
THE STIMULUS
The first factor in the creation of our reality is called the stimulus. This is an event that we observe or perhaps even fanaticize or project.
1. Some external stimuli include events such as the following:
We receive love, admiration, attention, gifts, money or success at some effort, or we are rejected, falsely accused, suffer a loss of someone or something important to us, or experience failure at some endeavor.
2. We might also be affected by internal stimuli, such as thoughts about the past or future.
3. Our emotions or thoughts may become stimuli for other emotions, such as when we feel anger or self-rejection when we observe that we have allowed ourselves to become aggressive or fearful.
4. Other more subtle stimuli might be the state of our hormones, chemical balance or energy state. We have all experienced days when we were more emotionally vulnerable, perhaps due to low energy. This is especially but not exclusively so for women, because of hormonal changes.
THE EVALUATION OF THE STIMULUS
As these stimuli pass into the mind, it evaluates them seeking to determine whether they are supportive of or endangering to our basic needs.
1. If our subconscious programming determines them to be supportive, we feel relaxed, happy and loving.
2. If we conclude that they are endangering, we experience fear as well as and a wide variety of other emotions, such as pain, disillusionment, bitterness, injustice, depression, jealousy, envy, anger, hate, etc.
Our emotional state constitutes the greater portion of our subjective personal reality. It is not so much what happens in our life that creates our reality but how we perceive and react to what happens or to what we imagine is happening or will happen.
This is the first basic premise of what we might call the "Psychology of Happiness" or the Psychology of Evolution or of Transformation. We create our own reality by the way we interpret and react to the events and other stimuli mentioned above. Many might think of situations in which this might seem false or difficult to perceive, however, deep examination of this concept will prove that it is true in all cases. Our belief system creates our reality.
AUTOMATIC PROGRAMMING
If we want to be happy, we need to transcend our automatic, mechanical emotional reactions. We need to understand why we automatically react in certain ways, such as with fear or anger, and how we can begin to free ourselves from undesirable emotional responses. Otherwise we are not free. We are under the control of the programming of our childhood, our past, our lack of clarity, and our lack of awareness. We are "asleep" to our real personal nature, and the true nature of the reality surrounding us. This book is intended to serve as a "wake-up call".
We are in a state of evolution from our animal nature through our human nature to our divine nature. In reality, our essential being is beyond this temporary body and mind. We are aspects of Divine Creation, and thus we embody love, knowledge and power. Mistaken conditioning has caused us to lose contact with this inner nature.
THE LION CUB
The story about the lion cub more graphically describes this process.
Once there was a great lioness who went hunting with her newborn cub. While chasing and attacking a flock of sheep, the she-lion made a wrong move, fell off a cliff and died.
The cub was left without a mother and grew up in the midst of the sheep. As the years passed, the cub became a full-grown lion, but it was instinctually conditioned to behave as a sheep. It ate grass, made a bleating sound, and developed a fear of all other animals, just like the sheep.
One day, another lion attacked the flock, and in the chase, was shocked to see the ridiculous sight of a full grown lion running away with the sheep bleating "bah bah" in fear.
He caught up to the sheepish lion, and asked, "What are you doing? Why are you acting in this ridiculous way? You a great, powerful lion acting like a lowly powerless sheep? What has come over you? You should be ashamed of yourself."
The sheepish lion explained that he was a sheep, and that the flock had taught him to fear and bleat and run in horror from the powerful lions.
The adult lion took the sheepish lion down to the river and asked him to look at the reflection of his own face. He saw that he was like the lion and not like the sheep. The lion then woke up from his ignorance and discovered his previously ignored inner courage, strength and majesty.
We are like the sheepish lion. The sheep represent our human nature, our personality, which moans, fears, complains and worries. The Lion is the spiritual aspect of our being, which is a source of great power, wisdom, creativity, goodness and love.
Great spiritual teachers have appeared throughout history with the same message of our "LION NATURE", the untapped spiritual power and greatness that dwells within us.
OUR MISTAKEN IDENTITY
All our problems are simply the result of our mistaken identity.
We have learned to suppress what is naturally good within us. We have learned to mistrust others and compete against them, rather than cooperate and share with them. We have learned to be neurotic and fearful of new persons and situations. We have lost the ability to be open and loving, as we were when we were children. We have been taught that we must fight for what we need even at the others' expense.
Such beliefs have been instilled into us, as a way of "being smart", or "being successful". Many of us who have followed this phil
He caught up to the sheepish lion, and asked, "What are you doing? Why are you acting in this ridiculous way? You a great, powerful lion acting like a lowly powerless sheep? What has come over you? You should be ashamed of yourself."
The sheepish lion explained that he was a sheep, and that the flock had taught him to fear and bleat and run in horror from the powerful lions.
The adult lion took the sheepish lion down to the river and asked him to look at the reflection of his own face. He saw that he was like the lion and not like the sheep. The lion then woke up from his ignorance and discovered his previously ignored inner courage, strength and majesty.
We are like the sheepish lion. The sheep represent our human nature, our personality, which moans, fears, complains and worries. The Lion is the spiritual aspect of our being, which is a source of great power, wisdom, creativity, goodness and love.
Great spiritual teachers have appeared throughout history with the same message of our "LION NATURE", the untapped spiritual power and greatness that dwells within us.
OUR MISTAKEN IDENTITY
All our problems are simply the result of our mistaken identity.
We have learned to suppress what is naturally good within us. We have learned to mistrust others and compete against them, rather than cooperate and share with them. We have learned to be neurotic and fearful of new persons and situations. We have lost the ability to be open and loving, as we were when we were children. We have been taught that we must fight for what we need even at the others' expense.
Such beliefs have been instilled into us, as a way of "being smart", or "being successful". Many of us who have followed this philosophy find ourselves isolated, secluded and lonely. We may have everything that society programmed our minds to believe was important, but do we have love, health, peace of mind, self-understanding, harmonious relationships or happiness?
One natural disaster, such as an accident, fire, earthquake, war, or death of a loved one, can destroy our happiness instantaneously when it is based on external factors.
EFFORT WITHOUT ATTACHMENT
This in no way means we should not seek to create the reality we desire for ourselves, our loved ones and our community. It means we need to make our best effort towards a better life, but without attachment to the results of our endeavor.
This requires a delicate balance. Some of us make very little effort to improve our selves or our lives, and thus we obtain limited results. Others try extremely hard, but are so greatly attached to the result that they experience anxiety, fear and stress.
Attachment to some particular source of happiness is often our main obstacle toward the happiness we seek. In this book, we shall learn to understand which attachments limit our happiness and how we can transform them into preferences.
Life Story no. 3
FEAR THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR
Wendy is sure that her husband Mark is having an affair. She has no concrete proof but she just knows it in her heart. She is afraid, deeply hurt and disappointed. She feels rejected, demeaned, betrayed, and quite insecure, not to mention angry.
Mark is not actually having an affair yet, but is interested in another woman. Until now, they have had long conversations, but both are very hesitant to make that step of coming together physically. Mark wants to continue to see Marsha without Wendy. He does not even want her to know about this "contact." He wants to be with someone who "understands" him.
Wendy frequently complains to Mark about family problems and how she is the victim of this situation in which she is sacrificing her time and her professional satisfaction to be with the children.
She feels hurt that Mark does not appreciate her sacrifice and needs him to show her more love and affection.
Ever since the children were born, it has been difficult for Mark to see Wendy sexually, and she is not receiving the affirmation she needs from him as a woman. She feels used.
Also, her incessant nagging makes her even less inviting to him. Now he avoids her, physically and emotionally.
She perceives this as rejection, and now that she suspects he is seeing someone else, her need for affirmation is even greater. She has become increasingly critical, accusing and demanding.
The further she pressures him for attention and love, the more he feels the need to avoid her. The more he avoids her, the more rejected and betrayed she feels.
In her own way, she is pushing him away from her. By not giving her what she needs, he is augmenting her negativity, which then bounces back at him.
They are growing further apart and no longer enjoy each other's company.
Belief Analysis
Both need to look at and transform their belief systems in order to create a more lively and truthful relationship. Each needs to take responsibility for his and her reality. They can help each other create happiness.
Wendy may be limited by some of the following beliefs:
1. My self worth is dependent upon being loved exclusively by my husband.
2. I am not enough for my husband.
3. I am the victim in this situation.
4. A wife should sacrifice her career for her husband.
5. I have lost something important in life by leaving my professional life. I am a victim of social programming.
6. My husband does not love me.
7. If my husband does not love me, I am not worthy
8. I am not safe in the world by myself and especially with the children.
9. I am in danger of being alone.
10. I need my husband in order to feel safe and worthy.
Mark may be limited by some of the following beliefs:
1. My wife doesn't understand or accept me.
2. When she complains, she is rejecting me and I am demeaned.
3. I cannot feel my self worth when she is rejecting me.
4. My freedom is in danger.
5. I might be happier with someone else.
6. I need someone who accepts me as I am and doesn't complain.
7. I cannot be happy when suppressed by this family situation.
8. I cannot feel sexual with my wife when she is trying to control me.
9. I cannot see my wife sexually when I think of her as the mother of my children.
Some beliefs which each could develop in order to free up their love and solve the problem:
Wendy might benefit from some of the following beliefs:
1. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's interests or behavior.
2. I am a vital and interesting woman, enough for any man.
3. I create my reality and life gives me exactly what I need to learn my next lesson in my growth process.
4. My husband and I have equal rights and responsibilities toward work and the family.
5. Whatever I do with love cannot be a loss. I have lost nothing by giving myself to my children. The highest profession on the planet is that of the mother: our future depends upon it.
6. My husband loves me, but is controlled by inner obstacles towards expressing that love.
7. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my husband's feelings or behavior.
8. I am safe in the world as I am.
9. There are millions of beings with whom I can connect if I feel the need.
10. I am safe and worthy in my self.
Mark might benefit from some of the following beliefs:
1. I want to understand and respond lovingly to my wife's insecurities at this time.
2. I recognize her complaints as an expression of her unfulfilled needs and seek to fulfill them as much as possible.
3. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of my wife's satisfaction or behavior.
4. I am a free soul.
5. Happiness exists within me and does not come from an outside source.
6. I accept and love myself as I am.
7. I love my family and gladly surrender my other needs for their welfare.
8. When I focus on my wife, I perceive the being I originally loved on all levels, even physically.
9. I love my wife. I want her to be happy and I behave accordingly.
Chapter 20
STAGES OF LOVE
Do we really love or are we simply attached to, identified with, or dependent upon specific persons? Is our love free and unconditional, or is it mixed with various conditions and demands? What is unconditional love? Is it possible for us to cultivate it? What is the difference between love and attachment? How can we determine whether what we feel is love or attachment? How can we purify our love and move into a higher level of consciousness, offering greater happiness to all, including ourselves?
These are some of the many questions that we will address and analyze in this chapter.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is a very difficult word to define, perhaps because the reality of love approaches the spiritual dimensions that are beyond time and space, and thus comprehension by the human mind. Love, like all other highly spiritual realities, is more easily described by what it is not. Love is not fear, hurt, pain, jealousy, bitterness, hate, separateness, lust, attachment, aggressiveness, ego-centeredness, indifference, possessiveness, suppression - the list goes on.
Love, like God, peace and other spiritual realities, can be perceived more easily through the effects that it creates. We cannot see the wind, but we can see the effects of the wind, such as the leaves moving, branches swaying, or the sound of air rushing. We know wind exists by its various side effects. We know there is a primal cause (God) for creation because we perceive its effect: creation itself.
What then are the effects of love? Love creates feelings of unity. We feel toward others as we feel towards ourselves. We are interested in their welfare, happiness, success, health and spiritual growth as much as we are concerned about our own.
Loving others means wanting them to be happy regardless of what it is which makes them really happy. It breeds understanding, compassion, forgiveness, happiness, excitement, peace, joy and a desire to be helpful in any way we can.
Love is expansion beyond our ego limitations. It is the ability to identify with the other, to let go of our self-interest and personal needs enough to really hear and understand the other's needs and interests. It means caring enough to sacrifice when necessary, our own pleasures and desires when the other's needs are obviously more important.
Love is the force that brings about unity and harmony. It is the "glue" of the universe. It helps persons with different egos, desires, and programmings and needs to overcome all those potentially repelling forces and unite.
Love is the force of unity that will enable our already internally existing spiritual unity and harmony to manifest itself on the mental, emotional, physical, familial, social, economic, political and international levels. We are moving toward unity (even if it seems the opposite sometimes), and the main forces are love and wisdom.
Thus, love is the greatest, the highest human quality, and it needs to be given priority over all other needs and concerns. Only in this way will we acquire peace, happiness and wellbeing on Earth.
Love needs not so much to be learned or cultivated, but rather released or brought to the surface, if you like. We are love. Our basic nature is love, but ignorance, fear and attachment have buried it so deep within us that it is sometimes difficult to summon or maintain. Loving others steadily, independent of their behavior, is not an easy achievement.
LOVE VERSUS NEED
The power of attraction which we call love is expressed at many levels and in countless ways. The most basic level is that of need. We often use the word love when we really mean "need". We say, "I love you," but if we analyze more deeply, we learn that what we are really saying is "I need you." This is the basic message of most love songs. They lament with sadness, pain, agony and cry out "you left me, I cannot live without you. I need you."
This is not love. It is need, attachment and addiction. If it were love and the other was happier by leaving us or even happier with someone else, we would be happy for him or her, not full of sadness for ourselves. Loving others means wanting others to be happy, healthy and successful in the ways that they are guided to be. Love does not create the pain we feel when someone leaves us or rejects us. That pain is generated by our dependency upon that person for our security, pleasure or affirmation.
Love creates happiness. Needs and attachments create fear, pain and suffering.
Our love is still mixed with a considerable amount of need. Love wants to give. Need wants to take. Sometimes what we are seeking to take is very subtle and requires deep inner inquiry. Whenever we feel pain in our relationships, it is because our needs are in danger of not being satisfied. When this happens, our "love" turns to hurt, disappointment, fear, loneliness, inferiority, or bitterness, and sometimes, anger, hate, rage and desire for revenge.
How can love become all these negative emotions? It cannot. The simple truth is that such an emotion never was pure love to begin with. It was an "attraction" based to some degree also on need. This does not mean that we should reject ourselves because we have seldom really loved purely. As we are not yet enlightened spiritual beings, how could we? It would be like rejecting ourselves because we do not yet have a university diploma when we are still in the first grade. It is only natural that we cannot yet love unconditionally. That is our stage of evolution.
FREEING OUR LOVE FROM NEED
The first step towards opening our hearts to real love is to accept and love ourselves exactly as we are with all our weaknesses and faults. Only then can we proceed effectively.
The second step is to begin observing the feelings that are stimulated in our relationships. Through objective self-observation, we can determine in which situations we love unconditionally and in which we are feeling attached and "loving" with specific conditions. Following are some examples that will help.
NEEDING THOSE WHO MAKE US FEEL SECURE
We look to others for security. We look to our parents, spouses, siblings, children, employers, friends, spiritual teachers and others for security.
We do feel love toward these beings, but often that love is based on the fact that they offer us a sense of security. If they start behaving in ways that obstruct our feelings of security; if they decide to leave us or be with someone else, will we still love them? If our employer fires us, will we still love him? If our parents throw us out onto the street, will we still love them? Or is our love tightly woven with the need for security?
If as parents we dream that our children will become economically well off and socially accepted professionals, will we love them the same if they became street artists, beggars, or anarchists? Some parents will be able to; others will not.
The basic question is whether or not our feelings of love are steady and consistent regardless of the various changing behaviors of those we "love". In each case where we perceive our heart closing, we can look to discover what we fear in that situation. What might we possibly lose?
Only when we have realized total inner security, perhaps based on an inner spiritual awakening or on our faith in God, will we be able to love without security attachments. Only when we know that we can live without others can we really love them constantly.
Society has helped us to completely confuse this matter. We believe if we love others, we must be totally dependent on them and should fear that our world would fall apart if something happens to them. This is insecurity. This is a lack of faith in God. It is a lack of faith in our own spiritual nature and our ability to deal with life. It has nothing to do with love.
Perhaps this is why the Apostle John wrote, "Where there is perfect love, there can be no fear".
NEEDING FOR PLEASURE AND AFFIRMATION
Let us look at how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit our experience of love. We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, travel, clothing, sex, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even his or her beauty. Yet, if he or she stops providing these for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, or to split whatever it is between us and someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge? The condition here is that "I love you because you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement; if you stop, my feelings change." It is conditional love.
We may also depend on someone for affirmation. This may take various forms. One is that, "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love and unity with you." This problem often develops between parents and children when the child moves into adolescence. It also occurs between spouses. In many countries the wife might be suppressed in the beginning, and the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and becomes angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed, and it is the woman who controls and feels affirmed.
We also feel affirmation when someone needs us, when someone is dependent upon us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or even between the "savior" and the "needy." In these cases, the needed feels worthy or perhaps superior. This is one aspect of codependency. We might also find meaning in life because someone needs us, depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be needed. We need to give, offer, and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for ourselves and not for the others.
That does not negate the fact that they may actually need us, or that we also have feelings of altruistic love mixed with our need to be needed. We are often motivated by two or three motives simultaneously
A third aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love" those who affirm our rightness, either verbally by telling us we are right, or simply by belonging to the same social, political, religious, spiritual group and embracing the same belief system.
"I love you because you agree with me, you are like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps no.
A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or falling in love. In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction between two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation usually has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation.
This intensity of feeling seldom lasts more than a few years. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship dissolves.
Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth. In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need. When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both spiritual growth and a happy life.
SELFLESS LOVE FOR A SPECIFIC PERSON
The next stage in the evolution of love is being able to love others regardless of their behavior. Probably the closest most of us have come to experiencing this love is toward our children. There are some parents who have totally selfless love for their children. They maintain steady love for "their child" even if he or she decides to live a completely different lifestyle from that which the parents have programmed, even if he or she rejects and abuses the parents, and even if he or she becomes a dangerous criminal.
This love is not universal nor is it totally unconditional because there is one condition, that the other is "my child" and not someone else's. We might also experience this type of selfless love for a specific being when that being is "our student" or under "our care or responsibility." This type of love has to do with the role of protector or feeling responsibility for someone. It enables us to accept all types of behavior from others and continue accepting and loving them with understanding and compassion.
In some rare cases, we may also feel such love for persons who belong to the same grouping, i.e. nationality, religion or social class.
In these cases, we do not gain something tangible from these individuals. We do not ask them for anything. Our love is not dependent upon their abiding by a certain type of behavior or even reciprocating our love. Our love is more selfless but still specific and not universal.
UNIVERSAL SELFLESS LOVE
The next stage is to expand our feelings of unconditional love and acceptance to even more people and eventually to all beings, including animals, plants and insects. This love, however, is still directed toward form. We focus on the form of these beings, thus we feel a sense of sadness when they experience suffering or unhappiness.
We perceive their form as reality. We feel love and acceptance for that person, but we still live within the illusion that the form is the reality. We forget that behind that form there is an immortal ever-blissful consciousness, which is just temporarily projecting that form toward the earth plane level. Universal consciousness is never in pain, never suffers, is never unhappy and can never die. That is the ultimate reality of the being or beings whom we love.
Those who experience this universal selfless love often choose careers or lifestyles that allow them to serve the whole in some way. They may join service groups such as the Peace Corps or other voluntary service organizations. They feel a need to express that love through actions which better the quality of life for those around them, especially for those who are suffering, lonely or unhappy.
Their interest expands beyond the limits of themselves and their immediate family. They begin to realize that all beings are brothers and sisters in one spiritual family of all humanity. As their awareness grows, they perceive even animals, plants and insects as belonging to "their family." They want to express this love through acts of service, care and devotion.
SPIRITUAL UNIVERSAL LOVE
The next stage is the development of spiritual universal love where wisdom or spiritual discrimination is now added to our love. We now see all forms as various manifestations of one unchanging, ever blissful, divine consciousness.
Although we continue to help and serve wherever we can, we do not feel unhappy about their pain, suffering or unhappiness. We realize that the real being behind that form has chosen to pass through that experience because it is exactly the next stimulus which he or she needs for his or her spiritual growth process. We realize now that we are all passing through the precise experiences, pleasant and unpleasant, which we need in order to wake up from our dream of this illusory material reality.
Although we are not affected by the suffering we see, we are even more wholly dedicated toward eliminating it. Thus, we love and accept all beings as they are while we direct our energies toward facilitating this process of our mutual spiritual unfoldment. Each of us moves forward in our own unique way.
In the past, we may have tried to solve people's problems for them. Now we realize that the most effective forms of help we can offer are unconditional love and education concerning the true spiritual nature of our being.
We now realize that the main solution for the world's economic, political and social problems is education concerning the spiritual truths of our immortal nature and our inherent oneness with all beings. When we understand, believe and experience this totally, we will be healthy, happy and in harmony with all those around us.
We experience such "wise love" or "loving wisdom" from the highest spiritual teachers. It is sometimes difficult to understand their love and caring, which at times to the beginner, may seem like indifference, especially when we pass through tests and expect sympathy and emotional reactions. It is difficult for some to realize that it is sometimes more loving to allow someone to suffer a little more so he or she can find the solution him or herself and grow stronger and freer from ignorance. Only a realized being can know, however, when "not to help" externally because this would be the most loving act for a specific person.
Many parents would do well to learn this form of discrimination. They would help their children far more if they refrain from solving their problems every time they are in trouble. No one should, however, misconceive that this text is suggesting that we should not help those who are in need. We must help, but we must also ask ourselves what the most appropriate help would be in each situation.
The greatest gift, the most precious help we can offer to those we love, is to help them get in touch with the power and wisdom that exist within them. This, at times, means helping, and at others, means letting them struggle by themselves while we mentally pray for them and send them light.
For an awakened spiritual being to see someone cry about some unhappy event in his life or fear some future possibility, might be like our watching a small child cry about a toy that has broken or express fear of the "boogie man." We sympathize with the child. We love it and we want to help it, but we cannot really be worried.
Those who experience this level of love sometimes do not exhibit the emotional display which others may be used to interpreting as indications of love. As we grow spiritually, we begin to understand, however, that real love is a love for the soul within the other, which is seeking to free itself from ignorance and the illusion of weakness and fear.
These spiritually awakened beings offer help on other levels through their positive thought forms, prayers or sometimes, direct contact on the astral level, usually in dreams. In this way, help is given without undermining the others' self-confidence.
LOVING THE WAVE OR THE OCEAN
When we limit our love to a specific person (we do not mean sexually, but rather emotionally, mentally and spiritually), it is difficult to experience love in its highest expression. We love this person and not others. We tend to focus on a specific person, "loving" them because they offer us security, pleasure or affirmation; or because we consider them to be "ours."
Pure love is universal. It can express itself toward any particular being, but it cannot limit itself to that being or group of beings. If it does, then it is love mixed with conditions. Each individual is one of the countless waves on an ocean of consciousness. The ocean is God, the Universal Consciousness, which is temporarily taking the form of those specific waves and then disappearing into the formlessness of the ocean again before reappearing as billions of others. All waves are expressions of the one ocean.
When we single one specific wave out the ocean of beings and limit our love to that, we are, in essence, loving an illusion. That being which we love is just a temporary manifestation of the one Universal Being which manifests as all the other beings simultaneously. That form on which we focus is a temporary physical, emotional, mental manifestation that will dissolve back into the ocean. When we love the water in that wave, that is, its spiritual essence, the spirit within, we begin to love all waves. The same water is in all the waves. The same spiritual essence is in all beings.
Then we love the spiritual essence in others and not only their form or the specific benefits that we receive from them. We love the spirit within. Our love now becomes both unconditional and universal. It is unconditional because it does not depend on what others do or do not do, and universal because we start to love more and more people independent of their appearance, character and other superficial factors. We love the spirit within them. We as spirit are one with the spirit, which is within them.
So we can love the wave or we can love the ocean and thus all the waves. This is our choice.
Love is like the gold ore that is brought up from the earth; it is mixed with other metals (emotions, needs). Our job is to purify that gold through our efforts to love unconditionally in all of our relationships, no matter what the other does or does not do. Only then will we truly be happy.
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