His childhood was a painful one with an overbearing and abusive father and a mother who was always playing the victim. He had no choice but to become emotional numb in order to disassociate from what was going on. This habit, which he had developed just before adolescence, is still active today.

What can he and his family do about this?

a. I am in danger from other people.

b. Others do not accept me as I am.

c. If they knew how I feel inside they would lose their respect for me, reject me or use that to hurt me.

d. Others want to control me, use me or hurt me.

e. If I show interest in someone and they do not respond, I will be rejected and lose my self worth.

f. Better to be a loner than be hurt.

g. In this way I protect myself from losing time and energy with other people.

h. People may think I am silly if I express myself freely.

i. By being mysterious, people will pay attention to me and try to get my attention.

a. I accept and love myself exactly as I am.

b. I feel safe and secure in expressing my needs, feelings, beliefs and interests in every situation.

c. Only by communicating can I create the loving reality that I desire.

d. I can be really happy only by expressing my real self.

e. I enjoy the process of self-discovery that comes from open honest sharing.

f. When I do not communicate, I cut myself and others off from the flow of energy and love which nurtures and heals us.

a. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

b. I am not responsible for the other's silence.

c. He loves me and cares for me even if he cannot express it.

d. His aloofness is a result of his fears and anxieties.

e. Giving him his freedom and space, is the best way to allow him to open.

f. He is not my only source of happiness in life.

g. My self worth is not linked to his ability to open to me or not.

h. I can be fulfilled within myself even without someone to communicate with.

i. I can fulfill my needs by communicating with God daily.

j. I have many good friends and family members with whom to communicate.

k. Loving him, allowing him his freedom and accepting him as he is, are the best ways to encourage him to open.

"Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer me that would be fine. There are times when you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I have done something which has offended or hurt you, or that perhaps you do not love me any more. I sometimes also believe that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me to share with me what you are feeling. Then I begin to doubt my self worth as a spouse.

"When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and sometimes you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.

"I now realize that it doesn't help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you. And if, in fact, I have done or do something, which has offended or hurt you, I very much want to hear about it. Do not protect me by not telling me, if something I do bothers you.

"I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with me more deeply. Do not interpret this as a lack of interest or love. I am simply giving you the space you seem to need.

"I will be happy to hear how you feel about what I have expressed whenever you feel ready."