For him the others are always wrong and, if they do not start shaping up, he has every right to punish them. He is simultaneously the police, judge, jury and execution squad. Another benefit he gains from this role is that he never has to look at himself or change anything about himself, because "he is perfect" and the others are all wrong.

He is safe from them, but he is lonely and unhappy. He plays the strong one without needs, but the truth is that he is very afraid and needs love and acceptance. He is in reality a fearful child playing the role of the dangerous and fearsome intimidator. He is imprisoned in a defensive role that limits his freedom to be himself and is extremely unpleasant for others.

What can Elias do to get free from this way of communicating? How can he relax and open his heart? How can others deal with him?

a. I am in danger of not getting what I want.

b. I am in danger of not being in control of everyone, and if so, something horrible could happen. Something could go wrong.

c. If I am not in control and do not command everyone's respect even through fear, then I am not worthy.

d. I am in danger if others do not obey me or do not do what I say.

e. The only way to get people to do what I want is by making them fear me.

f. I am easily hurt and this is the only way I can protect myself.

g. The others want to control me and get things from me and this is the only way I can protect myself.

h. As a man I must be the king of my house and all must obey me. If they do not then I am a failure.

i. I must not let anyone see my weakness or fear.

a. I am safe and secure in every situation.

b. My self worth is not in anyway dependent on how others behave towards me.

c. I can get what I need from people, by expressing my needs clearly and effectively.

d. We can find peaceful solutions to our needs or value conflicts.

e. I prefer people to cooperate with me out of love rather than fear.

f. I would not like others to intimidate or threaten me.

g. I trust in God's plan for me and my loved ones.

h. The others cannot learn through my experience, but only through their own.

i. Everyone deserves my respect.

a. I am safe and secure in every situation.

b. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

c. This person is my teacher which life has placed before me.

d. He is unhappy and afraid; or else he would not be acting in this way.

e. Behind his angry and threatening appearance hides a fearful and hurt child.

f. I deserve love and respect just as I am.

A possible communication with Elias by one of his close loved ones might be the following:

"I need to discuss something with you. You know, there are times when I am afraid of you. When you raise your voice and threaten me, you stimulate old fears from my childhood years. When that happens I retreat from confrontation with you, suppressing my needs and sometimes my values. When this happens I lose my self respect, and feel injustice and anger towards you. My heart closes and my love for you diminishes. There are even times when I think of revenge.

"With the way you act, you may get what you want from me at that moment, but you lose my love and respect. I have decided to try to overcome my fears and be more honest with you. I am going to try to express my needs and values even when you shout or intimidate me. I would like to ask for your help with this effort.

"I am very interested in helping you fulfill your needs. I believe that we can both get what we want together. I would like to ask you to express your needs without threatening me. Simply tell me what you need from me. I, in response, will also express my needs to you. I believe we can find solutions without my fearing you and retreating when you threaten me.

"How do you feel about this idea?"