Tony does not love himself and naturally feels that Mary and the children do not love him. His parents were abusive to him and he is unconsciously carrying on the tradition. He does love his wife and children and feels deeply guilt for his behavior, although he denies it to others. It is too painful for him to see himself. He is self-destructive.

Mary feels very hurt, injustice, disappointed, abused, humiliated and angry. She is also very much into the role of the "savior" and the "victim". She is a "savior" because she knew Tony had this behavioral problem and thought she could save him. She is a "victim" because she feels unjustly abused by him and life. She also wonders at times if God is punishing her for something she has done. (Since she has been experiencing this kind of behavior since childhood, she has even thought of the possibility that she is being punished for sins of some previous life)

There is no way to communicate with him. When he is sober, he denies the problem. (Occasionally he will ask forgiveness). When he is intoxicated, he is blind and deaf with anger.

What might Mary's lessons be here in this situation?

1. To realize that she deserves respect and love.

2. To get free from childhood experiences in which she was conditioned in some way to believe that she is not worthy of love and affection, happiness or freedom.

3.To learn to love and accept Tony despite his weakness and negativity.

4. To see that he is suffering and to seek to help him without losing her self-respect and without indulging him, always allowing him to be responsible for his therapy.

5. To free herself from the idea that she is responsible for his reality or cure.

6. To allow him to maintain total responsibility for both his unhappiness and his therapy.

7. To realize that she has the right to be happy even if he is not.

8. Not to take what he does personally, and to realize that her self worth is not diminished by his actions; that he has a problem.

9. To search for what she may not be giving him which he may need, such as love, acceptance, affection.

10. To free herself from the role of the parent or savior.

11. To learn to express her needs and rights clearly, lovingly and assertively.

12. To overcome any shame which she feels towards others because of his problem. To free herself from worrying about how others see her and her family.

13. To behave assertively (not threateningly) so as to inspire respect from him and others.

14. To work on her relationship with her father so as to forgive him and find her own self-respect and inner strength.

1. I love and accept others and help them while allowing them to retain total responsibility for their reality.

2. I help others more with my happiness, than with my pain.

3. I am worthy of love, affection and respect exactly as I am.

4. Life gives me exactly what I need every moment for my evolutionary process.

5. I assertively and loving protect my rights and needs.

6. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of others' behavior.

1. I am a creation of the Divine.

2. I deserve love and respect exactly as I am.

3. I accept and love my self as I am.

4. I deserve and create a happy and harmonious reality.

5. I love my family and want them to be happy and behave accordingly.

6. I am an expression of divine energy on earth. I am good and lovable being.

7. I recognize and admit my problems as I simultaneously seek to solve them.

Of course Tony will also probably need to participate in a detoxification and group support program such as Alcoholics Anonymous.