She has repeatedly expressed to the members of her family what she needs of them. She has explained to her husband that she needs his affection and attention. She has explained to her adolescent children that they must clean up after themselves, do their home work, be home by 11:00 ad do well in school.

She has explained to her husband that he she needs for him to spend more time with her, to help her with the house, to communicate about the children, to go out more often together, and for him to spend less time at work.

She feels hurt and rejected that no one responds to her needs. Her thought is that if they loved her they would do what she wants. What she does not realize is that it is not so simple. They do love her and respect her, but they have their own needs which unfortunately conflict with what she asks from them. She is asking them to live according to her needs, and as much as they would like to, their own needs do not allow them to.

When Aliki is unhappy, she adopts the role of the unloved victim, and when she is really unhappy she becomes the interrogator and occasionally the intimidator with her children. Then she feels guilty and moves back in to the role of the victim. But all this simply reminds Aliki of her childhood years in which no one responded to her needs. She was pretty much ignored and felt quite rejected. She needed now to have someone pay attention to her so that she could overcome that hurt of her childhood years.

Her husband Paulo has explained to her, that he can comply with some of her needs and especially of they are concrete, like take out the garbage. He can respond by doing something, but not by feeling something. That he cannot create the feeling of affection there on the spot because she is asking him.

He was also experiencing a replay of his childhood years where his mother was never satisfied with him. She was always asking something else of him and always criticizing him, because he did not love her enough to do what she asked. She was continually in the state of the victim. He learned to avoid her.

Thus he now has the tendency to hide behind his work where he feels safe and successful. Aliki's needs and the roles she plays tire and intimidate him, and he tends to avoid her. Aliki perceives this a a form of rejection and lack of love, rather than fear and the protective mechanism which it is.

When pressured Paulo moves between the "Aloof" and the "Intimidator", to protect himself from her needs.

The children pretty much ignore the whole situation and make sure that they out of the house almost continually except to sleep.

What do they need to learn in order to have a happy home?

Aliki: Does she need to realize that when others are unable to respond to her needs, that does not necessarily mean that they do not love us? Does she need to learn to ask for what she needs in another way, without accusing? Is her lesson to get free from her childhood programming and believe that people will respond to her needs? Is it to feel her self worth even when others are unable to respond to her needs? Is it to reduce her needs? Is it to understand the others and their needs?

Paulo: Does he need to be more sensitive to Aliki's needs? Should he sacrifice his own so that she can feel better? Does he need to show her his love in other ways so that when he cannot respond in the ways he asks, at least she will not feel that he does not love her? Does he need to let go of some of his own needs.? Does he need to let go of his past and cease feeling suppressed when others ask something of from him? Does he need to explain how he is feeling so that the other does not misinterpret him?

Let us hope that they each find the answers. Both would do well to get free from their pasts (chapters 18 & 19).